Not quite fitting in. (48)

I would describe myself as a switch - my general personality is respectful dominance. I.E I like things to go my own way but i'm quite subtle and natural. I think it's more a vanilla style dominance than a fetish and i don't really go in for the lifestyle stuff - no overt ordering except in the moment/not taking myself or the situation seriously type of way. I also have a lot of give and take so although i tend to wanting what i want, i don't push the issue if it's not a mutual thing.

On the flip side i have a foot fetish and that's where my 's' side comes into play. It's all about the moment for me so sometimes i can get into the foot worship thing and having a sexy woman tell me what to do sexually/in play, but even then if i don't want to do it or i'm not in that mood, it won't happen and sometimes the situation has happened that way, because i wanted it to.

That brings me to the problem - i'm finding very few women on my wave length. Kink and fetishwise i seem to be way too mild (my D side only extends as far as spanking and role play - no real rough stuff)- i keep meeting/talking to women who are into pain, strap-ons, wax, bondage (again i like the mild stuff but not the extreme), cruelty etc.

So when i find someone who is into having her feet worshipped and ordering around a bit (sexually - i really don't want to clean your house thanks!)they also want to do a whole lot of other stuff i am not into and can't get their heads round my D moods.

So are there any 'mild' female fetishists out there (London and surrounding)that are more on my wave length or can give me advice - in the end it boils down to, i do what i fancy doing, i have a laugh/fun and then the rest of my life i do other (non fetish) stuff either on my own or with play friends/gfriends.

So i guess what i'm really looking for is someone who's into what i am at my level, but will put equal energy into discussing literature, having a drink, going for a walk, watching dvds, speculating about lottery wins and what you'd do, talking nonsense, not taking life seriously, sometimes being serious, generally having a laugh etc and everything else.

We all like a bit of the good life. Some the money, some the drugs ..others the sex game, the glamour, the fame ... but a rocknrolla ... oh he's different. Why? Because a real rocknrolla ... wants the fuckin lot!

My mind is a tangled knot I can no longer untie.

The gist of what I am trying to say is that sometimes you will meet those who have some mutual interests as you but with interests in other areas that might not "float your boat" so to speak. Probably going against the grain of the whole D/s ethos by saying this but surely it's all about finding/meeting those whom you gel with and its about compromising and exploring different areas of interests together?

There are things that I would love to explore further but wouldn't really have suited those I was involved with at the time, and I presume likewise there were areas they were particularly into but were off limits for me. If there is mutual attraction between you and the other person, is it not worth seeing where you can take it within that context rather than immediately ruling them out since they don't fulfill all the criteria straight away? Who knows, sometimes things that didn't appeal before might seem just right once you've found someone that you can relate to and want to explore things with together.

Just throwing a couple of ideas into the air to see if that might help you focus on your priorities.

"Love is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark & Disney, homegenised, then sold off piece by piece." L Simpson

Edited 23 Oct 10, 3:39 PM by MissAnnThropist

We all like a bit of the good life. Some the money, some the drugs ..others the sex game, the glamour, the fame ... but a rocknrolla ... oh he's different. Why? Because a real rocknrolla ... wants the fuckin lot!

I am having the same problem. When I tell a sub who has contacted me that I do not want to abuse them, cut them, cause serious physical harm etc., they tell me rudely that I am not a 'proper' Dom (whatever that is!).

Much obliged and you're right but i've found myself on the opposite end. I've met some women who weren't prepared to NOT do more extreme stuff. I'm quite happy to comprimise and gel but when some find out i'm not up to say being thrashed with a nail spiked brush, they're not interested anymore! *eeks*

Comprimise should work both ways but as my stuff is reasonably mild, i thought it better to say so and try n find someone with similar interests rather than the more extreme stuff on top. However if i met a woman who liked to give her blokes black eyes but said 'That's cool, i won't belt you one in the chops because i know you don't like it,' that's all good.

We all like a bit of the good life. Some the money, some the drugs ..others the sex game, the glamour, the fame ... but a rocknrolla ... oh he's different. Why? Because a real rocknrolla ... wants the fuckin lot!

I think you just need to find the right lady.

Good luck.

Grrr... that really winds me up when I hear the "you're not a proper <insert a noun>" comment. It often implies sour grapes or that the person making such comments has a very narrow view on how to approach BDSM. It is their prerogative to define things that way, but I'd consider it a sign of incompatability. Surely it is better to find this out in the early stages than find out a year and a bit into the relationship (like I did) that you're just not on the same wavelength?

Labels are fine as a guideline but shouldn't necessarily be used as a strict definition as to what it means to be a Dom/sub/switch/top/bottom/ blah blah - you get where I'm coming from.

Crazy as it may sound I know of masochistic Doms that are partial to having pain inflicted upon them - but they like to specify exactly how it is carried out. I, for example am a sub that really enjoys tying folks up - so what if that implies I'll never qualify as a twue sub - it works for me, and when I'm lucky enough to be involved with someone that is happy to overlook the labels and just enjoys being kinky with me then it just works. End of.

"Love is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark & Disney, homegenised, then sold off piece by piece." L Simpson

What that is, is a very narrow minded attitude. I don't like pain on any level - giving or recieving. My limit is a firm spanking (giving)- i did once have a vanilla GF who liked me to twist her nipples quite hard. I'll do that for a girl i like but if she wants a blade taken to them or summat, thats when i opt out!

We all like a bit of the good life. Some the money, some the drugs ..others the sex game, the glamour, the fame ... but a rocknrolla ... oh he's different. Why? Because a real rocknrolla ... wants the fuckin lot!

In a discussion with a friend of mine who is also a Dominant lady, she said that i sound like a 'Do Me Sub' and she warned me that Domme's don't like them!

More limitations. Hence my search for similar wavelengths or adaptive folk.

Thanks all for comments so far - i have to be away to get ready for a night out but will reply to any furtur comments tomorrow. xx

We all like a bit of the good life. Some the money, some the drugs ..others the sex game, the glamour, the fame ... but a rocknrolla ... oh he's different. Why? Because a real rocknrolla ... wants the fuckin lot!

Don't give up on finding that someone - just don't lose perspective is all I'm really getting at. People are people at the end of the day, and labels so often contradict what makes us tick. I guess that's when there are kinks within kinks (i.e. its considered kinky to want a D/s element to a relationship, but then you're breaking the norm within that definition to want things that contradict the stereotype within that definition too. Not necessarily a bad thing or a good thing - just different.

"Love is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark & Disney, homegenised, then sold off piece by piece." L Simpson