Poly/open relationship advice (95)

I was monogamous for a long time and I am perfectly capable of being monogamous. I've never cheated on anyone and enjoyed the closeness that (at the time) it seemed like only monogamous relationships could bring. But then we stopped having sex because my boyfriend was depressed. Not his fault, not mine, but it was very hard for me to continue to see myself as an attractive and sexual person when I couldn't get any sexual release from the individual I was in a relationship with. So that ended eventually.

Since then, I've been poly. I tried open relationships before my longest monogamous one under more casual circumstances and did not find them very fulfilling. Poly is not always easy for me. I get jealous and insecure on occasion. But ultimately you have to find that self-confidence in yourself. I know my boyfriend is with me because he loves me and not because he can't get any other women. I know that I still do bring something unique to the table and that he'll never find someone better for him - just different. And he likes having that difference, and so do I, so I'm happy to give it to him. I've had some lovely secondary relationships that I'm very glad I had the chance to explore and he is my submissive but has his own submissive which works well for both of us.

There will ALWAYS be a third person who will want something more.

Ummm... Evidence would seem to be the enemy of your belief.

There are plenty of working poly relationships around.

MONKFISH!

I am sure we both have moments of the green-eyed monster. But we are secure in each other. And given that we both want the other to be happy and neither of us are mono-inclined, that's how it works. Everything else is just communication and negotiation, like any other relationship.

I think poly and open relationships work - I have been in one for over ten years, which is longer than many mono ones I know. However, you do have to be able to overcome jealousy and that's where they often go wrong, because someone is intellectually poly but emotionally monogamous.

Good luck!

Rapunzel x

Rapunzel - all round bad girl.... Fawcett Hall Lowewood Academy A Kinky Girl's Guide to Life Follow me on Twitter @FawcettHall (if you have nothing better to do!)

Also I suppose distance yourself from him emotionally, have a busy full life and don't be dependent on him. If you're wanting children too don't waste your time too long at the stage of your life when it matters with someone who won't be giving you them or you might lose the chance.

If it helps, I don't think of myself as poly at all, but I've thrived as the extra to a couple of existing relationships before now. I do think, though, as the third coming in the challenges are a little different to those you're facing as part of the existing pair. I realised in the end that however great those relationships were, I just don't want to do that again, it's not really what I want - but before I did the first it hadn't occurred to me that I could be happy in that sort of relationship either. So I think it is entirely possible to be "poly-tolerant" even if you're not actually poly yourself.

Good luck.

I don't know what is "naturally poly" - social conventions tell us to be mono. I also don't know how helpful I can be, as I come from it from the poly side, so it may be exactly what he has told you. But I will try.

That is lovely. I'm sure it will work for you, if you want it to.

Is that really YOUR low self-esteem, or is it not really just to be expected? We are brought up in a mono society with Cinderella and "happily every after" pounded into our heads, if not from birth, from our first Barbie and Ken dolls. We are taught that we have one mate and that is for life. Therefore, if someone has someone else, we just must not be enough. Simple. Fact. We just aren't good enough to satisfy them. It is us not being able to fulfill their needs. Deficient.

When in fact, people are like food. Some people are apples, some are oranges or bananas. Some are cheese & crackers and some are black olives. Sometimes you feel like eating one....sometimes you feel like the other. Your body KNOWS what it needs (that is a proven fact), so sometimes you CRAVE something else which has certain vitamins or minerals. There is nothing wrong with your apples if you choose a banana, is there? (Ok, I'm getting older, so might not be the freshest apple, lol). But in general, one is not less worthy than the other - it is just the taste of the moment or a certain craving which needs fulfilled. You can't always explain WHY you want an apple instead of an orange. You just do. You can't compare apples and oranges either - one isn't better than the other - they are totally different. It is very similar.

I don't like to share. There is always the threat of loss. But maybe that is where the trust comes into it. Mine have to share me. I know they are jealous about my depth of feeling for the others, but it is as much being jealous of the TIME I spend with them. But I do try to be fair and see everyone whenever I can. There has never been a case of choosing to spend time with one over the other - I think that would be quite hurtful. I just ask them both to attend the event. If someone cannot make an event designated "theirs", then I ask the other. Everyone wants time alone. That is natural. And I make a really conscious effort to make sure that people don't feel second best, because I think that is a key factor.

It really depends on how you look at it. Why can't you have the APPEARANCE of societal convention? I'm married and have a family. lizzie knows about numbers and roger and has met them. Numbers spends the nights here on the sofa after we go to a party. My mother in law and stepson probably figure he is my boyfriend or something, but that is because they know I am a pervert. LOL But we don't do anything here and to me it is absolutely no different to a Domme friend kipping on my sofa after a party. Roger picks me up and is a "friend" of mine. Just like the female friends who come over or who I go out with. So, how exactly would "society" even know what the relationships are? They are "close friends" if you don't want to get into a conversation about poly with someone.

And, tbh, society is highly over-rated. I decided years and years ago I would rather not do the twinset and pearls stuff. You are already going against societal norms by partaking in BDSM.

It makes sense. You know, I think EVERYONE, deep down, wants to be the centre of someone else's universe. Everyone wants to make that special someone breathless and live the dream of happily ever after. But I sincerely think that is because we are taught that is the way it should be. Some people CAN love more than one person. But there are so many different types of love and people only think of the romantic HEA kind. Once you get your head around that, the "threat" becomes much less.

When I was looking for playmates, I knew myself well enough to know that I would "love" them in some form or the other. Even with no sex involved, I knew that playing with them would draw me that close emotionally. lizzie knew it too. But, to be honest, both of my playmates are of the sort who are very independant and not wanting a "partner" relationship. That is one of the reasons I chose them - no strings and no demands. It is very possible that my playpartners chose Me also because since I am married and "unavailable" and thus there is no threat that I would make demands for more. I think that amongst my loved ones, it helps a lot that they all know that the others aren't trying to steal me away permanently. Doesn't help my self-esteem sometimes, (laughing), but it helps the dynamic work.

Good luck. I am sure you will be fine. The fact that you WANT it to, will help you immensely.

Edited to fix quote & last sentence.

Edited to add: Oh...I've always been poly as in not understanding why I had to choose, but I always chose because I knew I was expected to. I had a femsub live in for 2 years and that worked (the ending didn't have anything to do with being poly). The poly relationships I have currently are over a year old from meeting and I began playing with them about this time last year and it is still working well. But some might consider a year to still be early days....

Hants/Berks/Surrey borders, BDSM All Day Play Party - 26/09/10 http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/278057/: details of the first party!
Life is not measured by the breaths we take. but by the moments that take our breath.
Road Trip to the Sea!!!http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/270339/

Edited 21 Sep 10, 9:56 AM by Ama_Sidero

The upset that it caused was beyond words. Nearly 10 years on the family are still split, still great hurt, my ex miscarried my child (the other lad was infertile and wanted a ready made family, mine, all to himself).

So, with the best will in the world, if it wasn't for people, poly would be good. I'm biased but i think it is highly dangerous. Sex and love are different. Very different.

Gary

I want to steal that line...

MONKFISH!