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| Littleboots |
on Fri 10 Sep 10, 4:08 PM to Littleboots's blog.
| "The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children." - Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice," act III, sc. V, l. 1 |
I have never known my father. My mother told me that he was a married man with whom she had a relationship back in the sixties. His marriage only became known to her once she found that she was pregnant and he left her, wanting nothing to do with the birth. He then didn't reply to any letter and Mum got on with the job of bringing me up on her own.
Mum died in 1999, but she did tell me one or two things about my father. (Of course, I only have her word for it that this man is my father, but I have no reason to believe that she might have made the details up). Before she died I had no real wish to contact my father as it seemed to be unnecessary either to me or to cause hurt in my mother's life. After 1999 there were other things going on in my life but occasionally I'd put his name into a search engine with no success.
For some reason I decided to put his name into Google today. For the first time I got an exact match on the name through a genealogy web site. I can't be certain, but from the information that I had the age was correct and the geographical position tallied in certain ways. The last address that Mum had was in Canada and I found that this person's parents died in that same state.
So I guess I'm 90% certain that the person whose records I found is the person that my mother says is my father.
The first thing to say is that the man is dead. He died when I was just 8 years old – in fact he died the same age as I am now. I've no idea what caused his death, but as he was in his mid-forties I suspect that it may not have been due to natural causes. (I hope so! Not having one half of your family medical history is one of the things that follows you around when you're in a position such as mine.)
His parents (my possible grandparents) were born in Russia but emigrated to Canada where they both died. Interestingly, they were not Russian, but were part of a German émigré community, their parents having been born in Germany. Part of the line has been traced back within Germany to the 1720's.
The man I've identified was married twice. One of his spouses is still alive and he had a daughter who is also still alive. The site does not give any details about living people, so I don't know ages or locations or even first names.
It's a strange feeling finding out about your relatives, especially when it's so close a connection as your father. This man has had nothing to do with my life other than being there at my conception, but even so, I'm sorry to find out that he's dead. It feels like I've discovered a piece of my personal jigsaw, only to find that instead of being the major piece that I'd hoped it's actually a non-descript part of the background scenery. Don't misunderstand me; I never anticipated meeting him or that he would play a part in my life, but there is still a sense of loss.
So what next? Well, I could further explore the émigré history as there's quite a bit of literature about it. Or I could explore the living relatives. In theory I could have a half-sister who is still alive. Once again I run into the moral problems that faced me when Mum was alive. There's the man's former wife still alive and I don't know whether my father (assuming he is that) ever told her about the child he sired over in the UK. It could come as a hell of a shock to them if it was a secret that he took to his grave.
Ultimately, the only way I can prove that this man is my father (my birth certificate was left blank and I don't carry my father's surname) would be via a DNA test which would need the cooperation of my potential half-sister. I've already said that I don't know my father's medical history, or what he died of. The only way I could find out more about him would be in conversation with those who knew him.
Alternatively, I could just let sleeping dogs lie.
In this case it seems the sins of the father are returning to trouble the next generation.
| 10 Sep 10, 6:36 PM petit_chat UK(YO), 2 yrs |
My Master grew up without a father he was shot when Master was 2... it was his own fault  I get all my weird aspects from my father. My mom is vanilla as they come my father is a grade A pervert... yeah think we both just blame our dads!
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| 11 Sep 10, 12:13 AM Grownup_Frankie UK, 4 yrs |
It seems a shame to me that you have to be the responsible one and weigh up the possible consequences of contacting your living relatives, if they ARE your relatives. Is it really fair that you have to hold back? Wont you regret it later? I mean, you DON'T know the truth do you? I can't see how its possible to know that you might - well, that you WILL get answers if you make contact with them -at the very least you will get some answers, some knowledge, but possibly you will get something more, in an unexpected way you might get more 'family' - you might - you might....or you can say to yourself 'no, I wont impose, I wont trouble these strangers'...And they will remain strangers. I couldn't NOT take the next step on that journey. And I wouldn't blame myself for taking that next step even if it led to a thorny part of the forest. You really can't know what the outcome will be, good or bad, but it will be this - everyone would be wiser. Everyone would know the truth.
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| 11 Sep 10, 2:54 AM NimueBanditQueen UK(MK), 2 yrs |
You know, it would be a shock to them, but people in life get shocks, that's part of being alive. They'll get over the shock. Do you have a moral right to know? That is a difficult question, but don't they also have a moral right to know? hmmm I'm maybe not helping but I do think Grownup_Frankie has a good point, well expressed.
If you go for it, be prepared for very negative initial reactions as they deal with the unexpected. (Hey you're a dom, you should be used to that! |
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