Posted by The_Bringing
on Sun 5 Sep 10, 10:00 PM to The_Bringing's blog.
This week brings yet more change to my life as the evolutionary process of my personal human experience continues on its often frustrating yet often simultaneously exhilarating way.
Just how many changes can a human being go through during the course of a life? Discuss...
There is no definitive answer I suspect. When younger, at best, perhaps we are meant to thrive on change, we experience our exhilarations as we begin to evolve and grow, we learn to ride our bikes, we discover friends, through increasingly adventurous social interactions, or hopefully we do. We discover our changing in big way when we begin to have new, sometimes disturbing thoughts about those who we know are very different in appearance and behaviour. Change occurs then seemingly very naturally. Do we notice the small tremors of fear involved in making those early changes? Not really, some trepidation perhaps as we have to change schools. Or some anxiety as our upwardly mobile parents decide that they simply must move neighbourhoods thus ensuring the young have once again to put themselves on the line to make new friends. However, generally, once again, at best we cope, adjust and re establish the reality of our unique personal world.
For some of those who end up at place such as i/c in later life and I would personally fall into this category, these earlier times, looking back, were puzzling and indeed often very frightening. I am speaking of a pre information technology era of course, a time when gaining knowledge of anything outside of societies norms was never easy. Encased in the valley's and mountains of Cumbria, my childhood home, kinks were flaws to be ironed out of the brilliantly white cotton sheets which my mother hung out to dry on the washing line every Monday morning, when it wasn't raining that is.
There was though, a period of my life when that natural evolutionary change seemed to stop, this period seemed almost to creep up on me, over a decade or so, as if a grasping icy spectre from the dark night of my unconscious mind was slowly pulling me down into a seeming quagmire of the mundane. I began to feel as if I was frozen into a cycle of massive work effort, where nothing ever got finished and for sure not one damn person ever said, 'thank you' or 'well done.' Home, was with an equally hard working wife and two young children, the loving 'ideal family' our society so loves to portray as something to strive for. Thatchers norm, for those of you old enough to remember the bitch! Looking back, thinking about those times, there were changes that occurred of course, but the changes were stark, sudden and terrifyingly not in my control. There was a payback time for this lack of control and stagnation in terms of personal change. A deep dark period of depression was the payback and it was whilst locked into this terrifying period of life that I began to make some life changing discoveries. The first, so pertinent to the human experience and so damned obvious to most people I suspect, so obvious that I could not for years, understand how I came to be so unaware. Although during more recent, calmer times, I have responded inwardly to my puzzlement by letting myself off the hook somewhat with the honest view, “ Well I was a youngish almost totally vanilla, heterosexual male up until that point in my life, so one should not have expected too much perhaps.”
My first great discovery was that when life feels like crap, when one can't see the point in getting up in the morning, and when the predominant thought in ones mind for two years is, “Why the fuck is a useless shit you still alive?” and then to make it worse one has no answer to the question. The battle to not pull the metaphorical trigger is a chastening one. Eventually there is little option but to change. By implication the realisation then dawns that without change any given human situation will presumably stay the same? Yep, that's what I learned back there sometime around 2000 ish. A new thought for the new millennia. I also learned as a consequence of this great insight into the human condition, 'that human beings just don't know, what they don't know.' There came for me an eventual conclusion some time later, that as I had seemingly managed to live virtually 40 years in the beautifully diverse world without grasping this most salient of essentials towards human psychological survival, that perhaps, I should now begin again. I challenged myself at some point to begin again with some very differing base lines in terms of my understanding of human psychological needs. After all that I had experienced over two years, it seemed safe ish to assume that if the human mind ain't comfortable with where one is at, then life is going to feel pretty crap. So from some now rather vague moment in 2000 a calm and structured quest toward infinite possibility became my goal.
This new adjusted reality, created whilst pursuing a long and often tortuous route of personal growth and change is what brings to this point in my life.
I learned about many other aspects of my suppressed psychology during the ensuing years around the end of the last century. Not least of all I learned what it felt like when a beautiful, highly intelligent woman of her own free will knelt at my feet with a grace and beauty that took my breath away and said, “I submit my sexuality, my soul, to your care Sir!”...We both learned much during the next two years.
The subsequent freeing of my sadistic sexuality, brought positive and very significant changes for me, not only in terms of future life relationships but also because the process of change and the unblocking of a frozen personal psycho-sexual psychology showed me the way toward a new career as a psychotherapist. What else could I do? After all I had found my answers within the therapeutic relationship.
During the past seven years, I consider myself to be the luckiest bastard in the world because now, every day, I actually get paid to sit in small rooms, with some of the psychologically strongest people in the world, as they do battle with their individual demons, as each in their uniquely individual way fight the internalised battle to adjust their personal reality.
Next week at the behest of a very persuasive service manger, (I am absolutely certain the bitch keeps her whips and crop under her desk somewhere.) I am about to begin a new two year period of learning, which at my age is bloody terrifying. Beginning next week, I spend two days each week attached to a clinic under the tutorship of some brain box of a Professor of something I can't even spell. Ye Gods! My inner dark voice quakes, “What if they find out you're bloody thick, remember Miss...............in primary school, she told you, didn't she? You'll get found out boy, they'll all laugh at you!”
New place, new people, new city, Scares the shit out of me....I might even sit in the car park next week looking at the door and drive away again..............
Or perhaps I will simply smile and think, infinite possibity......
Just to illustrate how life loves to throw sequences of little explosives at ones head, usually when one least needs them. I have known for sometime that I would need my muse to get through this next period of life and I had searched quite diligently for her during the past few months. I thought I had found her, intelligence, wit, submissive, masochistic, beautiful. Can't be that lucky twice surely! Perhaps? Yes? No?.......Then at the last minute, she makes the decision, still her every right to do so and pulls back for very good reasons of her own.....
What a pisser! Another of life's disappointments to be evaluated, assimilated and adjusted. So here I am, facing one of the major challenges of my recent life. I need my muse and this I have decided is to be it. I have learned to say how I feel, all the time, with honesty. This of course leads me to being the social outcast I have become as mentioned in my profile. This is the sad lot of the psychological therapist, I kid you not people. The only people who can tolerate talking to a therpist out in the open world is another therpist.........Pure incest eh!..............So my problem is that right now I have seemingly no one to say my stuff to, so why not start a weblog.? Why not create a little more change?
Sad old git moves into the 21st century and keeps a weblog.........Yeah ha!
Will I keep up this process of clearing the mind as I face new changes each day?
Don't have a clue....Time will tell, as it always does.
For now, for today, this feels good. I will face my fears this week, as I have always done throughout my life. I will face them, either alone or preferably with others who are also able to share of themselves with honesty.
T.B.
