BDSM: You're Doing It Wrong (97)

Perfect sense. This has always happened on IC. Wherever you get a group of people posting on a forum you will always get the ones who post just because they can, not because they have something meaningful to say, or valid, or helpful...they just want to piss on someone's, anyone's, parade.

"If no sexual offence is being committed it seems very odd indeed that there should be an offence for having an image of something which was not an offence," Lord Wallace of Tankerness

I think we are all students, of life in general, and of BDSM life in particular. In that one regard at least I think we are all equal - we all still have things to learn, if our minds are open to the possibility, and we learn best not from Gurus or Enlightened Ones but from each other, our fellow students, we learn about a subject that - for many reasons - interests each one of us, a subject that has many aspects, many faces, not just one - as many faces as there are members of ic.

I don't see why people have to put other people down; if its done with the idea that its humorous, well, I think you can make a distinction between good humour and snide humour. If its being done from a 'great height', well...well, to be honest with you, I don't accept anyone's authority over me unless I've given them that authority.

But, I see a great deal of fellowship on here, which (I believe) far outweighs the instances of small or narrow or closed mindedness.

Edited 29 Aug 10, 12:35 AM by Grownup_Frankie

Always, whatever you do, there is someone on the internet who will tell you you're doing it wrong. Always, whatever you do, there will be someone who believes they are better than you because they are doing this thing better. Always, whatever you do, there will be someone who looks down on you (or at least claims to) and always they will make a point of talking about it because always... they're an asshole.

The not-amazingly-surprising thing is that "whatever you do" is as general is it sounds. I mean, I haven't tried any flower-arranging websites, but a friend assures me that knitting ones get pretty nasty. Meanwhile I've just walked away from a trans site where a half dozen women were saying something incredibly nasty essentially because someone was "doing trans wrong".

*headdesk* Basically, people are assholes. You just have to ignore most of them.

Fascinating Aida. Look them up (NSFW). Thank me later.

To me BDSM is the same. It's a collection of people who share a common element, and often not even a similar common element.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhKU-tmSQR8

I think it's a bit of a view askew... if you post on a forum then in effect you are inviting comment and as we all know...opinions are like a**holes and everyone has one - blah blah

For a while I felt frustrated when I asked a technical question about an activity I might wish to engage in, I was besieged by moral answers to a point where I just wouldn't bother discussing anything that really mattered to me. Then I got over it

These days I'm toe dipping into the BDSM pool again. One thing that does fascinate me on my little resurfacing are questions from people asking D/s advice that ask ...

"I'm meeting x person to dominate them but I have no idea what to do... please advise..."

And there I'm thinking.. if you don't know what to do you should perhaps put off meeting x person to dominate them

-- A Kervert Pinky

Great analogy, Jess! Those who have to define what is wrong and what is right are fear types who feel threatened by anyone who thinks differently from them.

There is no law that says you have to fit a certain social stereotype to enjoy a McD's. I find the breakfast convenient when driving to a client in the morning. Does that mean I have the same background, motivations, likes and dislikes as the teenager who has a Big Mac every Saturday morning with his mates whilst wandering around the town? Clearly not.

Nor do I feel the need to go into McDonalds on a Saturday and discuss with them the differences between what motivates me to eat a McD's breakfast bun and them to eat their Big Mac.

Nor do I need to pursuade them that what they are doing is wrong because I feel threatened by their behaviour and need them to stop eating Big Macs and start eating the breakfast buns instead. (I might try and pursuade them to use less ketchup though. Horrible stuff, and almost certainly bad for them, the environment and everything else! )

Best regards

Richard

"Rules are for the guidance of the wise and the obedience of fools." - Douglas Bader

Edited 29 Aug 10, 8:58 AM by RichardNewbury

With regards to how I/we "do" bdsm, advice is welcome but judgement isn't. By and large, I rate ic because I would say I have recieved a bigger percentage of advice more than anything else

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

Edited 29 Aug 10, 9:01 AM by totallycoverme

And there were people who were like kids sticking their fingers in their ears saying "I have a magic nose and I don't care what you say." The vast majority of people who claimed to practice CNC on that debate just did not want to hear other people's points of view, let alone respond to them in an intelligent, thoughtful, considered manner.* Anyone who raised opposing points was accused of avoiding the issue, not listening, being disrespectful giving lunatic examples and violating the AUP. Those who believed in CNC and who were attempting to engage with the points raised in a respectful way, got a respectful response. Those who got angry and defensive, got similar responses. If people are not willing to respect and consider other opinions, why should others treat their opinions respectfully?

Likewise, people have the right to challenge other ways of organising Ds relationships. Nobody has a monopoly on the truth, not even those who do BDSM the 'right' way.

subbie xxx

(*There was one exception to this, but she already knows how much I appreciated her efforts to explain, as I wrote to her to pass on my admiration and gratitude. She got a very positive response, shame others couldn't have followed her example.)

There is no such thing as "D&S light". The heaviness of that psycho mind fuck thing is the whole fucking point. Speaking of "D&S light" is as absurd as claiming to be a sadistic top who's into heavy flogging when all you ever intend to do is whip a pillow. See how that works? There's something lacking in the picture.

However, we shouldn't taunt and scorn the dude who's into flogging pillows (but think it a little to heavy for him to involve actual people in the scene). We should embrace him as a bona fide sadistic top who swings a mean crop and acknowledge him as a real master like that. Right?

Story Of My Life

Everyone starts somewhere. And many of us, I think (well, OK, I'm speaking for myself) went through quite long periods in which our fantasy lives and our actual physical experience of sexuality were quite distinct - almost at odds with one another.

I know the post you're referring to; the person who made it clearly isn't feeling confident. But (I'm guessing) what he wants to do goes quite deep in him - this stuff goes quite deep in most of us. So I think the best thing we can do is mentor him, help him develop the confidence to at least try, and find out whether he can bring his dreams to reality.

You may be right in guessing he's not ready. But everyone has to start somewhere.

;; Semper in faecibus sumus, sole profundum variat.
Some of my stories are here. Others are here.