Posted by littlenic on Sat 28 Aug 10, 10:28 AM to littlenic's blog.
It couldn't have come at a better time, though of course I didn't know that months ago when I booked it. At silly o'clock tomorrow I'm off to Greece for a week - a week of reading, pottering around ruins, and most of all of contemplation.
I've lost myself a bit of late. I don't know why, because they don't really mean anything, but those words seem to sum it up nicely. I've been caught up with the sad realisation that however much my head might want a specific outcome, my heart might not be able to let that happen. That lack of logicality, that inability to dictate my own emotions, has been hard to get to grips with; I've wanted to be adult and rational, but ultimately find that, much as I may talk a good game, I have failed.
And then of course I've been locked in a cycle of beating myself up over that failure.
I always knew getting into the world of relationships would be a learning curve. Single till you're mid-thirties is always going to leave you gasping when you change that, because of course most people learn those lessons young - how to deal with love, love lost, rejection, inappropriate expectations. Learning more about yourself and how you fundamentally are at an age when you thought you'd already done that and were entirely at peace with yourself is tough.
Add to that other things going on, and old demons, that I thought were long slain, keep rearing their ugly heads. Unwanted, unexpected, uncalled-for. I thought they were gone for good, and again, I'm so disappointed in myself that they're not.
It's led to a lack of self-confidence, a questioning of who I am and what I'm about - what I'm doing with my life, what I want from it, and in it. This has been going on for months, really, probably all year if truth be told, with peaks and troughs and false dawns and breakthroughs. Plans are forming, decisions are being made, and I expect that the changes I'm making are all good ones and, more importantly, necessary ones. Who knows, given my customary optimism I may yet look back on 2010, which currently feels like my own annus horribilis, as actually an annus marvellous (what? It ends in 'us'. Yeah, those 11 years studying Latin weren't a waste at all).
So like I say, my jaunt is perfectly timed. Obviously it's solo, as all these things tend to be with me (people go on holiday with lovers or single friends, and having none of those...) - but that's good. It's to a place I've been to a few times, though not for several years now, so there's a familiarity there. There's also the terrifying novelty of driving in Greece to look forward to - but I'll do it, and it'll be good, and considering I've wanted to do this trip for years but have been too afraid to because of the driving, I'm going to be pretty damned chuffed with myself that I finally got the courage.
And I know that being somewhere I love, doing things I love, will restore some of that love of myself I've lost of late. Which can only be good, because deep down I happen to believe I'm pretty cool. I just need to bring a bit of that back to the surface; sometimes it's so deep down I struggle to see it.
| 28 Aug 10, 12:32 PM little_belle UK(E), 4 yrs   |
If it helps at all, most people, when given these lessons young, still don't learn a bloody thing.
I hope you really enjoy your holiday x "I'm a right bitch, but if you want to get laid, you'll have to lump it." Marilyn Monroe. | |
| 28 Aug 10, 12:48 PM Grasshopper UK(SE), 2 yrs |
You studied Latin for eleven years? Masochist. Oh, well, that's easy. Tucker's Law: If some cunt can fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck it up because that cunt's a cunt. I've got that embroidered on a teatowel at home. | |
| 30 Aug 10, 9:47 AM Rapunzel  UK(WC), 9 yrs  |
You are a cool person, who (even if you don't see it) is very much loved by those around you. And who miss you and hope you come back soon. xx Rapunzel - all round bad girl.... Fawcett Hall Lowewood Academy A Kinky Girl's Guide to Life Follow me on Twitter @FawcettHall (if you have nothing better to do!) | |
| 5 Sep 10, 5:19 PM LadyEmmaCavendish UK(N), 8 yrs |
Here here xxx
Lady Emma |
