This post is on the Other BDSM web board.
| Sun 15 Aug 10, 8:26 PM subette 2 yrs |
As a kinky single, the more I explore my kink the more I wonder if I could go back to a realtionship where kink didn't feature in some shape or form. Some people on here might view this as taking BDSM too seriously. But whilst kink isn't the be all and end all for me, I have discovered that it is an important part of my sexuality and not something I want to have to sweep under the carpet. I mean - we all have deal breakers. Over the years I have discovered that there are things I am pretty flexible on (such as age / looks / wanting children) and others that are intensely important to me (like intelligence, open mindedness and a measure of self-reliance). Some people might call this picky, but I see it as being self-aware about what you want from a relationship. And whilst there are merits to being open minded when it comes to potential partners there are some things which you just know are key to your happiness. In a way, I feel lucky that I have discovered my kink fully whilst I am single because it allows me to add it to the list of things I am looking for in a partner. But then - that's kinda the problem. The bigger 'the list' the smaller the pool... So - is BDSM a deal breaker for you when it comes to looking for a perspective partner? Does including kink in your 'list' close off too many options and lead to being too closed minded? Or is it more important to be true to yourself even if it vastly narrows the chances of finding someone? Subette I'm just trying to get my post count up to be honest... | |
| 15 Aug 10, 8:40 PM beady UK(BN), 11 yrs   |
In order:
It *does* limit one's choices, admittedly. But if you know in your heart of hearts that a vanilla relationship will not fulfil you (without some other avenue by which you fulfil your perversions), then it's not really a choice. It just is. Beads. "In general, someone is a thing of value if and only if he or she is willing to submit to whatever degradation and abuse is required to preserve that position. Anything less betrays a lack of commitment." -- Steve Albini. Edited 15 Aug 10, 8:45 PM by beady | |
| 15 Aug 10, 8:53 PM Kitty_Fantastico UK(OX), 2 yrs |
After previously being stuck in a very vanilla relationship - where I only realised how unhappy I was after breaking away from it - I can very confidently say I will NEVER go back to a relationship with no kink. Now, that doesnt mean I need 24/7 or may never enjoy a vanilla sex session etc - but I need it to be there - to be one of the dynamics between me and my partner. I want to be 100% myself from now on - and I just wont be able to do that in a vanilla relationship. So yes, it is most definitely a deal breaker for me and I cant see that changing. | |
| 15 Aug 10, 8:57 PM ConsciousnessJunkie UK(N), 5 yrs |
It was far more important for me to be with someone who matched me completely in just about every other area. Open minded was a necessity, "kinky" was not.
Most people are pretty "kinky" in their own home anyway, they just don't label themselves as such. | |
| 15 Aug 10, 8:57 PM Bossman_Taff UK(NP), 2 yrs |
If you know what you want/like/love/crave why, where posible settle for less? I for One wouldnt really look for any thing other than a D/s relationship as I love to Dom, so I wont look outside that need  | |
| 15 Aug 10, 9:04 PM hothoneyuk UK(OX), 4 yrs |
Oh gosh, have been thinking just the same, if only there were simple answers. Too kinky for vanilla and too vanilla for kinky..help!! However, in my heart I do know that I actually need a little of both. Wouldn't life be simple if the wish list stopped there. Someone once said to me that if more people were open minded enough to at least explore aspects of D/s or bdsm, that everyone would be at it. I think there is perhaps more of a grain of truth in that. I am so glad I opened the door, but it is a tough process without a doubt if trying to find a LTR, rather than a more casual or short term arrangement. HH Edited 17 Aug 10, 2:01 PM by hothoneyuk | |
| 15 Aug 10, 9:15 PM littlenic 5 yrs |
It's one of a few "must-have"'s, although I'm pretty open as to what form it takes (i.e. level of control). And yes, it narrows options, but everything on my must-have list does that, and BDSM is no more limiting than other items on the list. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are other things I'd choose to change first if I were able to, to widen the pool. | |
| 15 Aug 10, 9:16 PM Disciplinarian UK(B), 6 yrs |
Yes - kink is a requirement. Just to narrow my options down a bit further (on top of many vanilla criteria), a monogamous partner must also be a switch. Ive tried going without switching long term and it just doesnt work. Compatibility with all fetishes isn't a requirement, but there are some I wouldn't want to live without. It all adds to the fun of life. I'm not in a great rush to find a monogamous partner at the moment (though it is what I want long term). I'm far more interested in acquiring friends and play partners right now. Owner of BDSM DIY and Enema Forum discussion groups. | |
| 15 Aug 10, 9:18 PM MelodyB UK(GU), 4 yrs |
Ive just come out of a longish relationship where he said he was a Dom but it turned out he wasnt and i decided to give it a go. Worst decision ive made in a long time. I had to bury that side of me and it hurt, i got frustrated and resented him so much. From now on i need someone who wants to be with the real me and not some hollow semblance of me. Mel xXx | |
| 15 Aug 10, 9:21 PM Vamp_Mystik UK(WA), 3 yrs |
I suspect kink one way or the other has always existed in me. Only Ive kept the lid tightly shut through a Very Long marriage. That lid was opened 3 years ago. Its impossible now for it to be put back on. I dont believe you can turn the clock back. In truth, I could never return to a totally vanilla relationship now. I will be true to myself from now on. A relationship without kink in some shape way or form, will end up false and totally unsatisfying. Think I would rather do without if that was the case.
So fellow ICers im in for the duration I guess !! lol.. Smiles....
The challenge is to be yourself, in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else...... | |
| 15 Aug 10, 9:42 PM Incandescence UK, 3 yrs |
We talked a little about this the other night, but I'm going to post anyway ... just because  When asked this same question a year ago, I said catagorically NO, I couldn't. I was then asked "well, what if you met and got involved with someone vanilla who you really, really liked and could see it going somewhere?" my reply was that I wouldn't let any relatiosnhip get to the stage where we couldn't both walk away relatively unscathed without having mentioned my kinky interests.
I actually went through a period of thinking that I could go without BDSM - simply because even without active SM, Ollie and I would never actually be what I would call vanilla .... he's far too filthy
Now though, I'm seeing that there are certian things I'd rather not have to go without. I could at a push and could be happy. I think that's perhaps because the relationship we have is right in every other area and I realise that that's not easy to find - especially at my age Having said all that, 17 years of vanilla marraige taught me that sexual compatability, at least on some level, is vitally important to a happy relationship. As others have said, I don't have to have every kinky/sexual need met all of the time and actually I'd never expect to, but there are some things I'd rather not go without or do differently. I think having just discovered all this new stuff about myself, and with all that I'm still discovering and want to do, it would be very hard to simply leave it all behind again. Damn! Can you tell I don't do choices? Striving to better, oft we mar what's well. ~William Shakespeare, King Lear, 1605 |
and I'm so easily led and corrupted 
, so it would never be the way it was when I was in a vanilla relationship and thought that sex was so overrated and wondered why people raved so much about it.