Advice needed ... (14)

I am very much into D/s as a lifestyle, often into the more extreme aspects,however a few years ago I fell in love with a vanilla man and we got married and had a baby.

I dont regret any of the above, as I love him more than anything, however, I am starting to miss/crave bdsm.

He is understanding to a degree, but he is not into the lifestyle himself. He knows what I am into, but it is not his cup of tea.

I am so confused right now, torn between the normality of family life and also craving use and submission.

xxx

There are three things that should only ever be said if you REALLY mean them; I love you, I hate you and I m sorry.

You're not alone in this. I can only speak for myself, but would imagine there are many other people in similar boats. My wife was vanilla when I met her, corrupted by me into my sub, and several years later, decided that vanilla was really her flavour of choice after all.

I still loved her dearly, and we remained together, although it understandably *did* put a strain on the relationship when I was champing at the bit to play. It resolved itself when I found a play partner with her blessing; thus we ticked along quite happily as she could have the vanilla me at home, and the kinky me could have his desires sated away from the family home. (And for the record, the marriage ended for unrelated reasons!)

Of course, that's a potentially agreeable solution only if you both are happy with non-monogamy (or a bit on side, of course). But it *does* make me wonder at times what it would be like to have always been vanilla. It certainly would make life easier in some respects, and of course that way, I wouldn't know what I was missing out on

I know it's no fix, but I can most certainly offer empathy and hugs.

Beads. x

"In general, someone is a thing of value if and only if he or she is willing to submit to whatever degradation and abuse is required to preserve that position. Anything less betrays a lack of commitment." -- Steve Albini.

My personal preference is to have what would outwardly appear to be a conventional, 'vanilla' relationship but with a tacit, Ds understanding running through it. If someone is innately dominant, and appreciates the sexual inferences of Ds, that is pretty much all I need - I am not remotely bothered about formal BDSM scenes, CP, bondage etc.

If you crave the more overt, conventional(?) BDSM elements - and he isn't into them - then I would imagine it is harder to reach what you feel you need with him.

Does he naturally take a lead with aspects of your relationship, does he prefer you to take the lead or is it pretty much 50:50?

'A woman, without her man, is nothing.
A woman: without her, man is nothing'

There is that, of course.

'A woman, without her man, is nothing.
A woman: without her, man is nothing'

Surely if they had sucessfully turned their back then they wouldn't be on here to answer your question.

Why don't cash machines have a Gamble button?
Why isn't there an age of consent for religion?

I can't speak for others but your situation is similar to mine. Met 'nilla fella, had baby, after several years craved big style to come back to here. We spoke about it, for ages, he researched what I wanted and tried to understand why but just couldn't. With agreement I slowly started coming back onto the scene only to find 3 months down the line he was leaving me. He says it's nothing to do with my returning to the scene but tbh there wasn't anything else wrong with us and no that's not rose-tinted speaking. He is now with an extremely 'nilla girl (and complains frequently about poor sex hehe) and I am now well and truly back where I was itching to be.

Presumably you can leave it for good but in my case, nope and not always with the results you want or can deal with.

Hope you resolve it soon, take care.

After an abusive D/s relationship in my early teens, I did turn my back on it for roughly 10 years or so of my first marriage.

However, during that time, it did cross my mind, the urges were there, (more so once I'd dealt with my own issues around the abuse), and once the marriage ended I then allowed myself to experiment with it again.

It can be done, lots of people do, and if I am honest, for the right person, if I felt a deep love for them and had to make a choice between a lifelong partner and my submissive side then the partner would win every time. (Though ideally, I wouldn't have to make that choice).

If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see
You can find out first-hand what it's like to be me
The End - MCR

If I am honest, our relationship is very equal. He looks after me and our children, but I guess I am a little bossy! I would never accept Ds from him, as I see him as my protector. Also, he would only be doing it for me, not for him, which defeats the point of Ds.

I really appreciate the response to this thread, as it is something I am really struggling with at the moment xxx

There are three things that should only ever be said if you REALLY mean them; I love you, I hate you and I m sorry.

I don't think unless you had permission you should seek it elsewhere nor that you should split up a family over it. My divorce was for other reasons than that. Although I wouldn't now seek a non D/s relationship, hard though it is to find someone compatible and dominant.