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| MisterBear |
on Sat 14 Aug 10, 1:33 PM to MisterBear's blog.
A follow on of me last text jokes thread.
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Bought the wife a fur coat made out of 300 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool. Couldn't get her off the Big Wheel for 2 days!
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My girlfriend doesn't like my new aftershave "chloroform" Apparently it makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore arse.
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I found a tin of meat in the cupboard. As soon as I opened it 20 more appeared. F**king spam!!
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A catholic saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. His Asian neighbour saw it and said "I can't believe it's not Buddha!”
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After a visit to a prostitute, a man notices a green lump on his cock. He goes to doctors and the doctor says "That's serious. You know how boxers get cauliflower ears? Well - You've got a Brothel sprout"
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Got caught wanking while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday. Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic! Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us.
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I woke up this morning with a bald head. Apparently my lass misunderstood me when I asked her to shave her twat.
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Leaflet came through the door 2day, it said, "If you are an Alcoholic, call this number"
So I did and it was the bloody Off Licence.
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I don't think the missus found it as funny as I did when I replaced one of her tampons with a party popper.
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A new report out today says that sucking cock too much can leave you with speech problems. Now I understand why you only ever text.
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So I settled down on the nice new leather reclining sofa, I was so relaxed thought I'd have quick wank. Now been banned from Furniture Village.
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For all those confused females out there it is simple. "Men have two states: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich"
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Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
After it he asks. “We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this! Why?”
She answers. “l just washed the floor this morning. I'd rather brush my teeth than clean the bloody floor again!”
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Lancastrian in Leeds pub declares "I was born a Lancastrian and I'll die a Lancastrian"
T'owd lad playing doms says "See I tol thi Lancs 'av no ambition"
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I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All it says is "good morning you ugly fucker........" Its not yours is it?
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Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea. Does fuck all for erections, but it stops your biscuits going soft!
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Life's mystery. How can a woman fit a 7inch cock into a half inch fanny in the dark but can't get a 5ft car into a 25ft space in broad daylight?
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My Missus just informed me that she's leaving me cos she reckons I'm a compulsive liar.
She'll miss my huge cock.
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What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose
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My budgie broke a leg so I made a splint out of 2 matches. His little face lit up! But then so did the rest of him, I'd forgot I'd lined his cage with sandpaper!
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I was at a party the DJ played that song-oh sit down. We all sat down.
DJ played-jump around. We all jumped around.
DJ played-come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
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Just had a policeman at the door. He said "It looks like your wife's been in an accident".
I replied "Yeah I know, but she's got a lovely personality."
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My missus has just found out that I've been shagging another woman in our bed!
Damn that bloody memory foam mattress!
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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
Ungrateful bitch spat it out....
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Just got back from hospital they said I might have Pneumonoultra microscopicsilicovolcanocniosis but it's hard say.
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I've just found out I can still have wild, athletic sex at 75! Isn't that great cos I only live at 55, so it's not far to walk home!!
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My Missus told me to buy something to make her look sexy, so I bought myself 12 cans of lager.
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One good thing about getting older is that multi-tasking becomes easier. You can sneeze, piss, and fart all at the same time !
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My dyslexic mate smeared his dick with boot polish at 1am Sunday morning - he thought he had to turn his cock black.
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What do you get if you cross a woman with PMT and a sat nav?
A crazy fucking mental bitch that WILL find you !!!
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I got hit by a rental car today. Fucking Hertz.
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My mates just gone and got himself a new East European girlfriend. But it's taken her five days to hoover the house - turns out she's a Slovak.
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Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
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Why do women love 2 suck circumcised cocks? Because they can't resist anything with 10% off!
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Wife with PMT says to husband "do you want anything to eat?" husband replies "what are the choices?" wife says "YES OR FUCKING NO!."
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering...
98% of them said:
"How the fuck did you get in here?!!"
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My wife says that I'm a selfish lover but that's bullshit. Whenever I give her an orgasm I always let her choose whether to have it on her face or her tits.
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Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby "I must confess I was a hooker"
He says "That's ok. Your past is your past but I must admit I find it quite erotic, tell me about it".
She says "My name was Gareth and I played for Llanelli"
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Statistics show the most used sexual position for married couples is Doggy style.
The husband sits and begs for it, and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
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Thought of the day!
Women should be like golf caddies.
Either holding my balls or getting my tee!
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I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
"Because he hasn't shit himself," was the reply.
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A Jewish girl calls her Mother.
“'Mum, I'm getting a divorce.”
“A Divorce? Why?” the mother asks, shocked.
“'Mum. All he wants is anal sex. I used to have a lovely little arsehole, the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece!'
The mother says, “Sweetie, you have a lovely home, a Porsche, a platinum credit card and have 4 foreign holidays a year and you want to give ALL that up for the sake of 45p!”
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I grew up in a tough area. When I was a child people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head...
Yes... life was tough in the gateau
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What have Chlamydia and a cheating husband got in common?
My wife has both of them and doesn't know about it yet.
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A woman is given a hospital tour. She looks in a room, sees a man wanking.
"That's awful" she says to the Doctor.
He explains that the man has an incurable condition. His testicles fill with semen so fast he has to do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in awful pain.
"Poor man" says the woman.
In the next room a nurse is sucking a man's Cock. "Explain that?" she says to the Doctor.
The Doctor says "Same condition but he's with BUPA"
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Why did God invent yeast infection?
So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.
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A man runs into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says “Everyone has 1 minute to get out.”
A tortoise at the back shouts "You cunt!"
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What does the bible and a penis have in common?
They're both shoved down your throat by catholic priests.
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There's a new sex position in the Karma Sutra called The Gas Fitter - both of you stay in all day but no fucker comes.
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Hi Mate I need advice for serious problem!
I've suspected for some time the misses has bin cheating. When the phone rings, I answer and the caller hangs up. She's been going out with the girls a lot, coming in with a waft of Burberry for Men. I try to stay awake to see when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Last night about midnight I hid behind the golf when she came home. She got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was then when crouched behind the golf that I noticed it's got a hairline crack in the exhaust bracket!
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
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In the UK 9,000 people are shagging right now, 2,000 are kissing, 100 are getting oral and one sad fucker is reading a forum post. You hang in there sunshine.
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Man goes to the Doctors and says "I've been shagging the wife for 10yrs now and she is getting a bit loose, can you suggest anything to tighten her up a little bit?"
Dr says "Well, this is a bit of a taboo subject, but have you tried using the other hole?"
Man says "WHAAT? And end up with a house full of children!"
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Definition of pressure: A wife, a mistress and a mortgage. All one month late.
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I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the arse this weekend. She's dyslexic and thinks it's Vaseline's Day.
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Edited Sat 14 Aug 10, 3:13 PM by MisterBear
| 14 Aug 10, 3:33 PM Qwoin  UK(S), 10 yrs |
Nice one Mr Bear  Don't be afraid of dying, be afraid of not living. |
| 14 Aug 10, 3:36 PM GazUK1963 UK(B), 6 yrs |
Some of these are very good. I love the short-sighted gynaecologist one . Gary. Everyone who lives dies, but not everyone who dies has truly lived. |
