Do dominant men go to their caves? (88)

Great advice :o)

It's only a weblog

Real men don't think, not on a rock, not nowhere not ever.

Real men act, decisively, boldly, confidently and aggressively without a thought for consequences or law or morals or conventions or ethics or repetition or consequences or ethics.

I haven't thought about anything since 1989 when I thought I would look cool if I could raise one eyebrow in a questioning way and practiced so much I hurt my face.

My not thinking may explain why I now live in a cave.

I'll have to think about it.

Or I would if I could but I can't because as I've said thinking makes my face hurt.

FYI I don't sulk in my cave.

Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
Yes ladies, this is my real chest.

Edited 3 Aug 10, 12:15 AM by Conan_The_Librarian

Sites like this let us celebrate are diversion from the norm so lets celebrate that and not pigeon hole everyone, lifes not that simple

Hmm. I'll actively remove myself from situations where I have a desire for a particular outcome, but don't see any action that will achieve it.

I think we've all been in the situation where anything that you say or do can only make things worse, where you seem to be following a script that you didn't write yourself.

That's the sort of situation that I'll walk away from. You could call it sulking, I'd choose to call it not being part of someone elses argument.

In a general case, I'd say that it does have a profoundly negative effect, however, if I find myself in the situation where I'm thinking... "I say X, she says Y, etc, then Z happens and I don't want that to happen" then the only possisble way to avoid that outcome is not to walk that path. Sometimes walking away from a situation that isn't going to work out the way you want it to allows time for other options to surface.

Cheers,

Doug.

I might be wrong Lima is probably better answering this for me as I dont notice it.

Bookmarked this as ill be interested in the replies.

I am very sulky if i dont get my way when im in masomode its all about me and my need, and im the first to admit it (im hard work)

Dont measure greatness by size only

I realize that I was generalizing in my OP. I realize that going to the cave doesn't have to be gender specific, but I framed it that way, because I do think that the way we view this sort of behavior can sometimes split along gender lines. And I do agree that it's more an introvert trait.

Having said that, I'm an introvert and a loner and yet I would never, ever deny my partner access to me, even if I was angry with him. I think the cave is a selfish place to go and stomp your angry little feet, pout and put up the old "no girls (or boys) allowed" clubhouse sign just to be a snot. That's why I said I think it reflects a loss of control. To me, taking control means engaging in the argument and working hard to confront and then collaborate with your partner and find a solution. I think that all caving does is to allow the wound to fester.

I'm a little surprised by all the defensiveness about the cave, as if it's a sacred place. I do think very differently about it than so many of you, so it's really interesting to read your points of view. One of the things I've found interesting is that most of you have talked about how going to the cave is good for the person who is doing it. I don't doubt that. But I think it's bad for the person who is left to wait. And for me, that completely negates the good of it. I think solutions that only work for one of the people, rather than both of them are not solutions at all. They just create another problem.

love the brave but avoid cowards, knowing the gratitude of cowards is small ~Praxilla of Sicyon

Whereas tearing more chunks out of each other is much better?

If I retreat from contact it's because I'm hurt (and indeed, have a desire to hurt back), and you're damn right that implies a loss of control of a situation. Sometimes the only way to regain control is to retreat, reassess the situation, and engage later with a calmer mindset. The alternative is two people damaging and hurting each other. It may be painful to be shut out for a while, but it's far worse for an argument that's hurting people to continue.

When I withdraw, I am actively taking control of my situation, and of myself, so that I can re-engage from a position where I have control.

As I've said, I think it's better if one person is feeling hurt and angry, that things have a cooling-off period, and that's what "caving" would mean to me (and it seems a lot of other commenters). If it's bad for the person left to wait, then all I can say is what I've said already: it would be worse for them both if it didn't happen.

"Caving", used properly, isn't a solution, it's part of the process of finding a solution. Yes, there are some people who storm off and shut the door, and that's an end to it, leaving everything unresolved, and never coming back to it. If that's the specific meaning and experience to which you refer, then I guess that's something very specific and people haven't picked it up from the OP. But in general the tendency to withdraw from a damaging scenario and shut off comms for a while is something else, as I've tried to outline.

For me, personally, taking a time-out every so often can be vital for my mental health.