But that's not fair... (17)

Thank you for this. This is something i'm keeping in mind and is helping me think more calmly during those times i want to fight.

I see your point, but i was more making reference to the fact that in a vanilla relationship, both partners are normally regarded as equal with both sides of an argument having a right to be aired. In an O&P relationship, the D-type could easily decide to silence the s-type from expressing their side if they don't want to hear it.

You don't know how many times this has been running through my head since you've posted it. It makes perfect sense and i think i just needed a reminder - so thanks

--

On a general note - please don't anyone think i'm this crazy bratty sub, stomping about all the time. And please don't think he never listens to my side of the story. It's actually little things that can just get me all a bit 'pfffft' now and again and i want to eliminate these outbursts, because, you know, i want to be good for him

m, x

Edited to sort quotes

I am a bad person
@Manchester

I post a lot so by law of averages something has to now and then.

Your post reminds me of something i read (through the looking glass):

(..) Humpty Dumpty said gaily, as she turned it round for him. 'I thought it looked a little queer. As I was saying, that seems to be done right—though I haven't time to look it over thoroughly just now—and that shows that there are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents—' 'Certainly,' said Alice. 'And only one for birthday presents, you know. There's glory for you!' 'I don't know what you mean by “glory,”' Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. 'Of course you don't— till I tell you. I meant “there's a nice knock-down argument for you!”' 'But “glory” doesn't mean “a nice knock-down argument,”' Alice objected. 'When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, 'it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.' 'The question is,' said Alice, 'whether you can make words mean so many different things.' 'The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'which is to be master— that's all.'

Wait...doesn't that happen all the time?! My fist answer would be: practise. It needs time to get used to this and to develop a way to cope and a way to behave well in the meantime... i depends on your relationship how rare this is. Frank is in charge all the time, in anything, so that means he can make me do or not do all kinds of stuff that i have a different opinion about. Is it harder for you to obey when you think he isn't being reasonable? Example: it is absolutely fine and of no harm to anyone to go to the bathroom without asking. Still i haven't been allowed to do so for a year or two in the past. Is this reasonable? no. Usefull? not really, one could argue. But he wanted this. What helped me was the fact that he insisted that i'd do it. it helped me to be able to practice..joke a bit about it from time to time (kick him while asking permission) - things to practise, find ways to obey, while showing that it was hard....don't know if your D allows that, but Frank enjoys the process and he knows i'm seriously trying. What helped was realising our relationship is not equal, not about being right or wrong - through talking, experience, sometimes sessions (in which he made me tell him the red table was blue because he said so- very funny...duh). And also...reflecting on things like 'being right' and what it meant to me (or not)...might be an idea. And my Owner and i talk a lot about these things. Have you asked your D for directions? What does he want from you? First advice always: talk to him.

To me what matters is how important an issue is to me. once i was really concernd about his health and knowing him, it was hard for him to share. He is wonderfull, but...stubborn, how do you say that. And he definately likes to be right. so we talked a lot about this healthissue, but i was concerned and did not agree with his view. This was important to me. i fought with him, argued, kept on to my arguments, told him my concern. i didn't yell at him, but i definately repeated my point. i thought this was ' legal' since i was really concerned and it was a big issue. Besides, i'm his advisor too, he needs some feedback now and then - on heavy things. But this was not about being right, but about worrying for his health -

i don't know what your situation is about, so can't judge that.

So my point is: how strong do you feel...is it a matter of letting go, just doing what you're told (and maybe after a while - months, years - it makes you feel nice too). you don't have to agree to obey, do you? This gets easier over time, it does!!

It is very unfair.!!..but...did you truely expect it to be different in a D/s or M/s relationship (do not quite know what you're in)? Maybe it is the reality that kicks in from time to time: he, he can even do that!! sometimes simple things strike you like lightning...

long post short: - reflect on what is this situation about (i write a lot, helps me, for example a journal) - practice - patience - time - talk to your D - realise that it is not a black and white thing: you might want to obey and be a good submissive: sometimes you're not so good at it in every day situations. That is hard and very unfair that you have to do it anyway. But at the long run...it might be worth it.

~smile~ dorine

Hi Mia I am so glad you found this helpful, for me it is the guts of the matter and it helps to remind ourselves (helps me too ).

I think it's commendable that you are looking for support and ideas about how to make this easier to deal with, ways to be your best submisive self. I think it's a Good Thing and it means you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and recognising their place in all this.

One thing is, if you take the approach above, it is likely to please your partner and in turn this should provide you with a sense of achievement. I think submissions gained in this context taste all the sweeter for the struggle and overcoming it for your dominant with their support, which I don't doubt you also have.

In time such actions should become easier and may begin to feel good as well as bad - and if you are lucky,the good feelings eventually take over. Practicing doing it to the best of your ability is how it becomes easier, I think. I think it ok to get it wrong while you are trying and practicing as long as you accept any consequences - what matters most of all is doing your best and your underlying intentions (which are clear because you wouldn't be here asking for others to discuss if you weren't wanting to do your best).

Obviously what's most important is that you do check with your partner that they are content for you to take this approach as we here can only give you opinions based on our own methods. This is how I approach it with a submissive, but not necessarily everyone's preferred method, other dominants might not agree that your feelings don't matter or whether they are right, I don't know..

Good luck in finding a way through this difficult feeling, well done for taking responsibility for it instead of treating it as an inevitable outcome and I'm glad talking to others about it is helpful for you. I love IC for this.

In solidarity and with a friendly cyber hug

De xx

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Edited 4 Aug 10, 10:41 AM by Degenerate

Indeed - it just isn't fair and isn't supposed to be

D

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