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| mia |
on Fri 30 Jul 10, 1:24 PM to the O_and_P group.
Insipred by a recent thread on the main boards, which unfortunately didn't get much useful information i could use to my advantage ( 
), i'm reposting the question:
"How do you calm down and carry on when your OH is right and you...don't think they are?"
Thoughts i'm particularly wondering about are: how do you cope with the level of control that stops you doing something you perceive is absolutely fine and of no harm to anyone, but that you're not allowed to do?
How do you 'argue' with your D-type?
How do you get over those times when their way is THE way and despite your arguments, pleadings, tantrums, silence treatments, etc, you are not listened to or pandered to?
m, x
Edited to add a link to the original thread: Perceived injustices
Edited Fri 30 Jul 10, 1:27 PM by mia
| 30 Jul 10, 1:36 PM mia UK(M), 4 yrs       |
Also, to clarify the last paragraph. By 'get over' these times, i don't mean 'get your own way'. I mean how do you justify things? How do you calm down? How do you accept that you're in the wrong, or that even if you're not; tough? m, x I am a bad person | |
| 31 Jul 10, 8:54 AM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs     |
c_b tells me she reminds herself that she is pleasing me. Doesn't always work though. My goal - to save women from nature (Dior) | |
| 31 Jul 10, 12:24 PM Diablos_patience UK, 5 yrs |
I was going to post on that thread but it became a bit like a childs play ground so I didn't, glad you posted it here as it does raise some very interesting issues for me. Though I think I have it so much easier as im not in a 24/7 live with situation. I think for me having been in relationships where I would push boundaries and basically act a bit of a twat at times I have learnt that doing this is detrimental to the relationship as a whole… im not sure if others are as I am, basically being capable of kicking up a fuss for nothing really but when im in the heat of that moment nothing else matters… if so what I have learnt to do is to write down my feelings… I keep numerous journals/blogs/diaries which when im in that moment I write it down as it's a way of externalising… I also give myself time to think about it, which is very important because usually on reflection we do realise that just maybe we were creating a fuss over nothing. I don't argue anymore… I listen and if I seriously think something is out of order I discuss it and try to do so in a calm controlled manner (this will get me listened to) giving my rational for the perceived 'in-justice'… he listens, if he agrees with me fine, if not then he makes the final decision and I have to live with that regardless… this is what ive signed up to I knew the score before I started. Having a few more years on my clock that a fair few of those that would probably be the ones throwing the tantrums…. The one thing I can say to this is underneath it all I wouldn't want it any other way, I crave the domination and control so im less likely to fight it… if I did ever fight against it and won to me that would effectively be the end of the relationship… sometimes I may resist but ultimately I need to know that it is he that is in control… and yanno what I seriously wouldn't have it any other way.
~* Raku wa ku no tané; ku wa raku no tané. *~ Edited 31 Jul 10, 12:25 PM by Diablos_patience | |
| 31 Jul 10, 12:25 PM De_Luxe UK, 5 yrs |
Injustice gets my goat, it has done from being a child. At times I reacted too swiftly to what I have perceived as unfairness. I found going off on one wasn't efficient or effective so I guess I learned through repetitive practice to recognise when emotion was about to get the better of me, to stop, put emotion aside, take stock and be more logical about how I might act or decide if I'm going to choose to react at all. I think probably the hardest thing to cope with adjusting to in D/s is when something that you perceive as fine and harmless is something that your Dominant doesn't want or allow you to do. It's got to be easier to change doing something that you agree needs changing hasn't it?. That makes sense. When it doesn't make immediate sense it is harder to find the motivation. Dom/sub scenario: You freely gave away the right to dictate some or all of your own behaviour and you haven't lost sight of that at all but suddenly you could feel "hey, I was attached to doing that". You suddenly have a reaction, in our parlance, reactance to feeling the loss of the freedom to do what you want to do and do instead what he wants, how he decides. Of course it seems unfair not to be allowed to do something that is harmless, (sulk, yell, stamp a delightful little foot) it doesn't make sense why he doesn't want you to do this perfectly harmless thing. In a logical mode of thinking you could grit your teeth, take a deep breath, practice being obedient, and say "ok" in the grip of an emotional mode you could just go off on one. Suppose you've gone off on one. He could choose to ignore your reaction/behaviour. Feeling you are not being heard or realising that you (your behaviour in fact, not you personally) are being ignored could increase the level of tension and perpetuate your emotional reaction. It is your reaction though so you can choose to just let rip and be a passenger to your emotions driving your actions or you can put emotion aside until you calm down and logic presides again. If you haven't got that knack of dealing with the "hard to cope with" off to a tee it's going to take some practice over a period of time. The "how to cope" I suppose comes from yourself, from harnessing being stubborn to make it work for you rather than against you, persevering with yourself as you change and grow, from it being your choice to take the rough as well as the smooth and when seeing the bigger picture knowing that it was a good choice, the only choice for you. What might make it more bearable in the moment of upset is knowing that you are succeeding in the path you chose, even if the progress seems, to you, so tiny that it is virtually imperceptible. It's like climbing a steep hill, it is all small steps, hard going, it takes ages but when you look back to where you started from you can see how far you have progressed. It isn't just a sub thing. Don't imagine that one day you will be perfect, expect to have to battle your way up a bloody hill sometimes but do stop to admire the view on the way and relish your achievement. Regards, D
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| 31 Jul 10, 12:45 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs |
@De_Luxe how do you always manage to make so much sense? My goal - to save women from nature (Dior) | |
| 31 Jul 10, 2:01 PM chaochou UK(CH), 3 yrs  |
I wonder how this changes from within an O&P relationship and outside of one. Is there any difference? In a non Ds relationship, sometimes you have to calm down and carry on when you don't think your partner is right. There are always compromises to be made. In my experience that usually comes from a period of introspection, often thinking about what actually constitutes 'being right'. Truth, rightness, fairness - these are matters of concensus or practicality. There's no final arbiter to say what is and isn't. | |
| 31 Jul 10, 10:42 PM othyim NL, 2 yrs |
This. Thank you. Make it work for you, not against you.
Edited 31 Jul 10, 10:48 PM by othyim | |
| 1 Aug 10, 9:15 AM Degenerate UK(M), 4 yrs  |
Hi mia Presuming you haven't just come across something totally outside your boundaries, you possibly don't need to accept or be calm so much as you need to just get on and do as instructed/required. It is likely to be deliberate that you are being asked to do something which makes you feel this way, so your feelings are probably not a failure in any way.. they may be predictable to your dominant. You need to find a way to stop those feelings being obstructive regardless of whether you can make them go away. Just because you feel something it does not mean your course of action is inevitable and thats something most of us practice on a regular basis in the world outside our personal relationships. It doesn't matter whether the dominant is right or not, and it doesn't matter how you feel, with submission what matters is doing as instructed, regardless of how you feel about it or what your opinion is. If your dominant want your opinion, they will ask for it. That is likely to be the lesson here - learning how to appreciate things like this can take some time and practice but it does get easier. The trick is to learn how to not let your feelings get in the way of your obedience, no matter how strong they are. You do not have to feel good about something to be obedient.
I suspect if you are being put through this it is for a good reason which does not have to be explained to you. Do you need to calm down, or is this feeling something which might do you good to experience? Tips to make it easier.. stop looking for something to appreciate in the action and start looking to the submission for it. To submit even when you feel this way is a nice achievement you can be proud of.
De Sign up to CAAN's statement www.caan.org.uk Edited 1 Aug 10, 9:29 AM by Degenerate | |
| 1 Aug 10, 9:17 AM Degenerate UK(M), 4 yrs |
A journal is a good idea - I gave my last submissive a confidential red book in which to rant when she felt angry or unkind towards me, as previously suggested by another poster to get it out of her system. Sign up to CAAN's statement www.caan.org.uk | |
| 1 Aug 10, 4:34 PM hollykins UK(BH), 3 yrs |
Does it not bother you that such an outlet was needed? Should someone be that regularly made angry by another to need this? This whole concept of acceptance is a really, really tough one within a 24/7 D/s relationship. On the one hand as a sub I strive to please Him and see it from His point of view. But on the other hand, on rare occasions I feel the need to speak up.It means taking a litle time out to mull things over, but its worth the self-control to do this because it means when I do ask if we can talk about something, I am approaching it and Him from a much calmer perspective. I also have to decide whether my concerns are justified or not. Only if I genuinely think they are, will I speak up. I think He is more at ease with my wishing to talk things through when I take the time to be more calm and rational about it rather than giving a knee-jerk emotional response. We are able to discuss anything and everything anyway so I'm lucky like that. When it comes to a difference of point of view, well we both want the other to be happy so we take time to sort stuff out. To mia I would say, try and let as much 'go' as possible and pick your discussions carefully. For the most part, if you take time to calm right down then you might realise that the issue isn't one you want or need to persue. When you do wish and need to persue an issue, then try and do so calmly and as kindly as you can. We are all fallible. Cheers holly
Edited 2 Aug 10, 7:21 PM by hollykins |
