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| Thu 29 Jul 10, 1:02 PM GirlAfraid UK, 3 yrs |
On Sunday, the man did something that annoyed me, I was cross with him but he, remarkably, was not interested in hearing the many ways in which he had wronged me and told me to get on with it. This prompted something of a sulk. His, again remarkable, lack of empathy with the sulking led to what, shamefully, I can only describe as a tantrum (full details of the many colourful and varied insults I threw at him available on request). Part of the tantrum took place in the car which led to him leaving me at a busstop to calm down. I did calm down but only until he came back, at which point the tantrum resumed. The rest of the story involves being handcuffed in bed until, about five hours after it all began, I genuinely managed to calm down and apologise. All in all, thoroughly attractive. I feel proud of myself. But my question is this:- all this started because I felt he wouldn't listen to me. He felt no need to listen to me (mainly because I was being a knob). I found that frustration too hard to bear and it all spiralled out of control in my head. So, how do others cope with being told that they were wrong and to get on with it? Just to reiterate, I'm not looking for criticism of my OH, he was entirely just in his actions - I had a tantrum over the passing of a towel. What I'm asking is how do you calm down and carry on when your OH is right and you...don't think they are? | |
| 29 Jul 10, 1:13 PM mia  UK(M), 4 yrs         |
Good question. I need time usually. I either need to discuss it outloud with him and explain why i feel it's unfair and he can explain why a) it isn't or b) that it doesn't matter that it's not, or i need time to process the fact in my head that i've explored every way of expressing my view, he's still unchanged and he will win. I certainly find these sort of things much harder than any of the s&m stuff - it drives back the lack of control/choices you really have, which is can be so comforting sometimes, but really frustrating at others. m, x I am a bad person | |
| 29 Jul 10, 1:16 PM PapaSmurf UK(CF), 22 mths |
With good grace, is the answer to that one. I take it you're open to input from either side? (Fnaar). How much of it is genuine lack of empathy and how much is refusing to rise to your agitation? _______________ | |
| 29 Jul 10, 1:18 PM GirlAfraid UK, 3 yrs |
The lack of empathy was a joke, who'd be empathetic to a hysterically crying grown woman whose soul reason to be hysterically crying is a misunderstanding over a towel? But to address your other point - good grace can be hard to find. | |
| 29 Jul 10, 1:22 PM PapaSmurf UK(CF), 22 mths |
Try a mantra. Of course, none of this is going to work unless or until your desire to be calm is stronger than your impulse to snap. Bit like giving up smoking.
_______________ | |
| 29 Jul 10, 1:27 PM ScarlettDeWinter UK(BS), 3 yrs |
Sometimes I read your posts and wonder if you might be my long lost twin. No jokes, I know this exact same situation. Regardless of how wrong I am, I'm still *so* mad, and don't want to see reason. Being able to calm down and apologise is pretty damn impressive. I find that super hard. well behaved women rarely make history | |
| 29 Jul 10, 2:51 PM Thistle US, 4 yrs |
In my experience, if I'm overreacting to something trivial, I'm not really reacting to the trivial thing. Where empathy has a place here is in the calmer person realizing that you're not an emotional basket case and that this behavior isn't "like" you. Control can certainly be exercised by refusing to hear you, abandoning you and cuffing you. That's a valid d/s option and if that's what works for you, that's great. But control can also be exercised through the calm recognition that you're having an emotional crisis and that something valid may be at the root of it. Talking gently works for some people, too. I think that actual dominion is in knowing the difference between a childish response to a childish behavior and an effective and loving response to a childish behavior. love the brave but avoid cowards, knowing the gratitude of cowards is small ~Praxilla of Sicyon | |
| 29 Jul 10, 3:32 PM the_ex UK(PE), 2 yrs |
When I was younger (a teenager), I had something of a vicious temper. I learnt to control it and haven't genuinely lost my rag for many years now. Things that work for me. 1) Make sure you deal with any problems that you have in a constructive manner AT THE TIME. Don't leave it to other people to sort out (though there's no reason why you can't work with people to solve issues) and don't ignore problems. Remember that very few situations are so completely beyond your control that you can do nothing about them. Do so even when the action required may seem unpleasant. 2) Keep things in perspective. Why get angry over something that's not worth it. 3) blow off gently in short spurts at certain points during the day when something irritates. E.G. Someone cuts you up on the road when you're driving, express your frustration at the time then forget about it. Humour is the best way of doing this, so feel free to take the piss. Trying to bottle things up all day isn't healthy and usually leads to losing your temper over something that isn't worth it. This includes frustration with your own actons, so send yourself up when appropriate. The main aim of the above is to prevent stress and pressure from building up and to make sure that actions you take leave you feeling positive about yourself. Pert of it is also training yourself to react to problems and stressful situations in a positive manner. It works for me but may take a little while for you to do. It's worth it though. The final advice is: even when you are angry, remember that there is no reason why you should not be in control of your actions at the very least. Keep your head, even when your heart is going crazy. Again, this may take a little practice. | |
| 29 Jul 10, 3:36 PM GirlAfraid UK, 3 yrs |
I fear we're approaching this from entirely different angles. I don't to be indulged, I don't want him to acknowledge the vagaries of my mood, I don't want a tantrum to be dressed up as an emotional crisis. It wasn't an emotional crisis, it was me acting like a spoilt child. The way he reacted is, for us, spot on. What I need is to find ways to control my own temper and accept that he doesn't necessarily always want to hear what I've got to say, I was looking for others ways of doing this. | |
| 29 Jul 10, 3:49 PM Thistle US, 4 yrs |
Only if you choose not to acknowledge the other parts of my post, which you have done by your selective quoting and disingenous response. If you simply indulge in random temper tantrums and have no ability to control yourself, that sounds to me more like an issue for a psychologist than a relationship partner or people on the Internet to help you with. D/s isn't psychotherapy. If, on the other hand, you have the occasional outburst that you are unable to control and it's not founded in anything deeper, while I would still recommend some counseling, recognizing the issue, as you've done in your OP seems to be the first step to taking control of it. The first question is, of course, can you recognize what you're doing when you're doing it?
love the brave but avoid cowards, knowing the gratitude of cowards is small ~Praxilla of Sicyon | |
| 29 Jul 10, 3:54 PM spankee_1 UK(BH), 8 yrs |
Be very careful....my recent relationship broke down due to my inability to see reason and his inability to listen  Although i will add it was over something far more threatening to the relationship than a towel :-/ xx Edited 29 Jul 10, 3:58 PM by spankee_1 |
