Posted by LittleEl on Tue 6 Jul 10, 8:01 PM to LittleEl's blog.
I like to think that (in common with many people on this site) I have a pretty liberal attitude to sexual practice. But having today been accused (by a non-IC-based individual) of lying about being openminded, I'm starting to wonder whether in fact my critic is correct.
I'm aware that there are a great many kinks and niche sexualities out there. All good, whatever floats your boat, I don't mind. When I say I'm open-minded, I mean that I'm not going to judge someone because their pathway to sexual ecstasy differs from my own. Life's rich tapestry, etc. I don't have Heaney's “mind as open as a trap”, waiting to catch people out.
But when someone approaches you with the desire to have you participate in an activity that you have no interest in whatsoever (or even that makes you feel really rather uncomfortable in the not-good way), does refusal to consider that possibility betray a lack of openmindedness? Must we all be prepared to try anything once in order to avoid being seen as bigoted or prejudiced in some way?
I've not suggested his kink is wrong. I've not been rude to him. I've explained that I don't share his passion for this particular activity, so any attempt to set up some kind of relationship would ultimately be a waste of our time. In spite of this, he has not only persisted in attempting to persuade me otherwise but my refusal to budge on this issue has now led to the “you're not openminded” accusation. And I actually found that the most offensive aspect of the whole conversation.
I'm a staunch defender of the right of people to enjoy their sexuality in the way that pleases them (with the obvious exceptions of anything fundamentally based on non-consent). Conversely, I expect people to respect my right to refuse to consider pursuing any liaison based on practices I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to participate in.
On second thoughts, I'm not so offended by the accusation this individual made. If expecting the same level of respect for my own sexuality that I afford to others makes me small-minded, judgmental or bigoted, then I have no issue with being so labeled.
| 6 Jul 10, 8:21 PM totallycoverme UK(M), 4 yrs  |
Ah ok, so because you're allowed to decline something, this person thinks they can call you closed minded. I'm openminded to a lot of things, doesn't mean that I have to go practice them myself.
So yeah, think nothing of what they say methinks It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice | |
| 6 Jul 10, 8:36 PM caprycorn 8 yrs |
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, for one reason and another. And I'm the same as you - if something is not for me then I don't have to apologise for it. It's just the way it is. My mum used to make the most disgusting yellow curries with big lumps of pale onion in it. I didn't have to eat it to know it wasn't for me - instinctive aversion was more than enough! Another thought (of mine) is that are we sometimes too openminded? Whilst I am not encouraging naysaying for the sake of it, are some things just too much? By saying "Oh its ok so long as it's your kink" are we actually losing sight of the fact that some things just aren't ok? Not for us anyway? And why is it wrong to say so, when asked? When does pushing the boundaries become less about personal desire and more about public appearance, and if so, should one be called on it for basically being a cunt? Or is it all ok so long as it is masked under YKIOK and we should all be terribly civilised about it? More pondering required I think, for me to at least make sense anyway! My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem | |
| 6 Jul 10, 8:38 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs  |
I don't think being open-minded means that we'll try anything just because it rocks someone else's world. I think it means being prepared to listen and discuss another's opinion/thoughts on something that appeals to them but may not appeal to us - it's about accepting that they're entitled to have a different opinion to ours, despite how we might feel about the matter being discussed. Being open-minded is about hearing another person's take on something and being allowed to make our own decision about it, for ourselves. If someone is open-minded they will accept the other person voicing an opinion, even if it differs from theirs. Sometimes the conclusion of such discussions is an agreement to differ. Someone who was either determined to have their own way or who was closed-minded, would probably try to persuade the other that they were wrong for not having the same opinion as them and, possibly, accuse them of the very thing that they themselves were guilty of. Edited 6 Jul 10, 8:44 PM by chartreuse | |
| 6 Jul 10, 9:50 PM Ama_Sidero UK(GU), 7 yrs      |
No, I don't think it makes you closed-minded. It makes you not interested in trying it. Full stop. I suppose that some people could argue that you can't make an informed decsion as to whether you like it, but it is pretty lame argument, probably only designed to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do. YKIOK is something I believe strongly in. But there are things that do nothing for me. I think it is logical that if the *thought* of something does NOTHING for me, the actual act itself isn't going to either. If I find something a bit squicky, if I were a sub, I might at least get off on the serving part, but if that isn't part of your and the person's dynamic, there is no point, imho.
Life may not be the Party we hoped for, but while we are here, we might as well Dance! - Anon | |
| 6 Jul 10, 11:54 PM Masterstoy UK(N), 10 yrs |
I agree with the other posters. If it doesn't appeal to you, it would be a waste of time to go along with it. Ok, *some* times you try something that didn't appeal to you and you like, but I think there should be at least a very tiny sparkle of interest for that to work. Caprycorn's point is also interesting. Personally I think that even if done for public appearance it should be ok, as it's no different from showing off a big car or bling. Which I find extremely daft but hey, as long as I don't have to do it... | |
| 7 Jul 10, 9:08 AM Jezzebelle UK, 10 yrs |
There's nothing like laying a guilt trip on someone to try to manipulate them into doing something they don't want to/doesn't float their boat, a classic maneuver! I would parallel it with if you don't want to meet me 2 minutes after receiving this memo then you can't be a submissive. http://www.flickr.com/photos/jezzebelle/ |
