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| Belasarius |
on Mon 5 Jul 10, 2:28 PM to Belasarius's blog.
A post made today here:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/276949/2#...
Which I don't want to be lost. Frankly, I am losing the will to live. Here's what I said:
I don't believe i seek validation - though I could see it appears that way (perhaps, if I understood myself fully, I might agree with you - but all of us hide from some realities - don't we?).
I don't believe i do suggest that my way is the right way. I just suggest that my way is my way and offer it, as others do theirs.
I am not an absolute relativist though. I do believe we should be honest with ourselves as far as we can (I've pointed out above how difficult i think that can be) and that's one of the reasons i post. Debating something forces me to think about how i actually feel about it - and other's views can force me to defend my own, which then either collapse against the weight of rigorous argument or don't.
I believe that I am being true to the O&P principle of Authenticity (http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/249223/ ) and not just because of O&P - though, as i've said before, O&P did an amazing job, for me, of organising thoughts i'd only half-expressed to myself (Thank you Tanos).
I judge myself, often. Perhaps always. I try never to judge others (do i succeed? Not always. But I try). And I stick to my guns and will examine others' arguments if they debate with me. I hope if you examine threads i am involved in you will see that I don't get argumentative for the sake of it but do challenge. listen and respond.
What am I doing? Validating myself? I don't think so. I think it is more likely to be trying to understand myself. Listen 
, my decree absolute came through a week ago on Friday. I exited a marriage that had lasted longer thean both my D/s (O&P) relationships combined. I left children behind that I adore. I am heart-broken that i did this, even though my relationship with those children is stronger now than it was in the last years of that marriage. I wish I could have more time with them and be more than a good-time Dad. The failure of my marriage left me bereft - and it happened after years of trying and a final understanding that I needed D/s relationship or I would be no use to anyone at all.
But, I can now recognise that I am incredibly happy in my current relationship, despite the huge and often difficult challenge that I share her. I would not change a thing. Because now I feel like me. And, before, I can now see, I didn't.
So, I know i'm where i should be. But I don't understad why. And I accept who I am - but I wonder whether I'm damaged goods because i want this, or if being like me is a legitimate human choice. I hope it is the latter.
So, If being O&P is a inevitable, nature-given or God-given thing, then why should I not be proud to be who I am - and why should I not want the rest of the world to admit that my life choice is as natural and acceptable as theirs?
Now, there are problems here. The first is that, unlike many, I am a cowardy custard. Currently, If I lived my life in the open I might lose my livelihood and i might lose contact with my children (please don't rehearse the arguments that this is consenting adult stuff and doesn't count. Whilst true in fact it is amazing what a lawyer can do to undermine those facts). So, I dare not lobby openly for change.
Then, there are many, many people on the scene for whom the fact that it is dark, secret, private and socially risque, is a big part of the appeal. I'd like to see that change -and i say so. I don't expect the change to be fast, but, If I can affect people's thinking, then I shall.
Finally, I try to demonstrate that in doing what I do, I've made a life choice that is central to who I am. Without it I am a poor imitation of myself. I never deny twooness when accused of it. I don't disrespect anyone. What they think of what i say Is up to them: I firmly believe that how a person is seen by others is at least as important as the way one sees oneself - so I try to hide nothing (I'm human, and hurtable, so I'm sure i do).
I know my posts are challenging and robust. I could, perhaps, be less so. But, you see, the first couple of years I was here on IC I feel I was much more a soul of discretion. And nobody took a blind bit of notice.
So, who I am now is the result of a realisation that I am who I am and that people like me (who may be few and far between) want to live in the light (even if that is a long time in the future it is a journey worth starting).
As the Animals said: "I'm just a soul whose intentions are good - Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood".
Edited Mon 5 Jul 10, 2:51 PM by Belasarius
| 5 Jul 10, 7:47 PM Telesto UK, 8 yrs |
The thing is, matey, you do a lot of your thinking out loud, and so you come out with stuff like the above. How can something be a 'life choice' on the one hand, and 'inevitable' etc on the other? (And no, I don't want to discuss it.) But you drop this stuff in all the time. It kinda sounds good; but it doesn't actually make sense. And it's irritating in an 'I can't really say why' way. It's like nailing jelly to a wall. And it constantly hijacks discussions raised by people who do seem to have thought about what they are posting. it's... annoying... I don't think people are hostile to you or your lass. Just want you to pipe down a bit, maybe?
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| 5 Jul 10, 8:25 PM Adverse_Camber UK, 3 yrs |
Your posts on the other hand are erudite and apposite...and so infrequent that one could die from breath-holding anticipation... I am a big fan of Belasarius's posts, and I am sure I am not the only one... I have never found him annoying either...am I alone on this one? Doubt it...
"I see the shooting stars falling through your trembling hands..." | ||
| 6 Jul 10, 11:18 AM jules9 UK(CH), 3 yrs    |
You're certainly not! XxX | ||
| 7 Jul 10, 7:14 PM sparklydolly UK(HU), 2 yrs |
Nope sparkly x Im a broken doll, You're the puppeteer, Take control for me, And wipe away my fear - Paloma Faith | ||
| 15 Jul 10, 1:32 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs      |
Note to me: I've calmed down a tad. People are listening more. My goal - to save women from nature (Dior) |
