Subs with play expectations... (49)

I know that this probably changes through time and communication and with practice, however, I am a bit nervous about it since one of my long term partners was like this, and eventually decided he was a switch, with a preference to Dom (no wonder he had a clear idea of what he wanted me to do with him, he was subconsciously domming himself). Therefore, to set my mind at ease, how common a "problem" is this for couples, how to best overcome it, what is your experience with this?

Edited to clarify: the sub/s in question do not voice their opinions during play, they would never suggest things to me then, or try to influence play directly...All this happens in their minds during play, an inability to stop micro-analyzing every step and hoping for this or that to occur next...

Edited Wed 30 Jun 10, 1:19 PM by Mona_Demarkov

Hmmm, I see your point...However, I don't think that since my very early days of experimenting, did I need any instruction how to play...I am quite skilled with the practical aspect of things, and have been clearly dominant (and imaginative) in a sexual sense ever since I discovered sexuality. Therefore, I think this is more a matter of what type of subs I chose to play with, which seem to (almost) all have a tendency to have "very strong" personalities and ideas about play...However, your point might still stand: given the type of people I play/ed with, I might need to bite the bullet and pump up an even greater uber dommyness...I would like to not have to play those games though, and was wondering if there is anything from the sub's point of view that he can do in order to make this easier for both of us.

If a sub dictates how play goes, then they are (in my opinion) topping from the bottom, which can actually benefit “newbie Dom's”, it helps them learn what their sub likes, what gives them pleasure, but that all comes from communication before hand, so it's not necessarily a bad thing in the beginning, certainly should be looked on more favourably than no indication at all. But if playing with a more experience Dom, there is no way on this earth I would top from the bottom...oh no no! (learnt that the hard leaving marks type of way)

It is all about communication and lots of it, if you want to Dom without them saying I would like this now, or that now, then stick a gag in their mouth! Or just gently remind them who is in charge.

Each person/couple are different and it needs a Dominant to be able to adjust to the person they are playing with, for the sub it's far easier, but there might always be an element of disappointment if you don't talk to each other.

This has been my experience and even now after many years I'm still learning to keep my mouth shut and not to have high expectations of how play should go.

I am sure you will receive lots of useful information and peoples experiences on this thread.

minxi pup x

(edited cos it read rubbish and i'm rushed - probably still does, sorry...late for an appointment now! lol)

Edited 30 Jun 10, 12:55 PM by sparkysbabe

The difficulties I've had have been that he is very strong willed and knows exactly what works for him - which is fine. We have a vanilla relationship which BDSM is just part of so if we're not both getting what we want from it then there's probably not a lot of point in doing it TBH. So it's ok for him to know and tell me what he wants. The problem for me, with that, has been that I'm never quite sure if he's getting as much as I'd/he'd hoped form play.

The other thing is that he's predominantly masochist as opposed to sub so turning up the uber dommliness hasn't really been an option I'd considered would be of much use ... I am rethinking this now, however.

I think it's a good point you've made about them turning out to be switches too. For all Ollie is a raving masochist, he's really very sadistic and also has quite a strong dominant personality in everyday life so there is, I think, that aspect of 'this is how I would do it'.

I've found the best way to go is to have a bit of compromise, although I accept that that's possibly not very useful in a D/s situation.

Crazy, but that's how it goes; Millions of people living as foes; Maybe, it's not too late; To learn how to love and forget how to hate.
@Strictly_SnM discussion group

I am guessing this it is a matter of finding the type of play, or the type of head space, where constantly analyzing what is going on is impossible. This is easier for some, but obviously harder for others, and I am wondering what to do to help. Again, I would like to help for their sake, but also for mine, since it is very hard for me to relax if I know they are paying ridiculously close attention to every little thing I do, trying to predict my next move, and hoping I do this or that, instead of that or this...

However, he does ask me to write fantasies and just occasionally he will lift something straight from one (usually something very minor like something whispered in my ear, or a way of touching me)and use it.This gives me a huge thrill because a)its something I find hot, b)just for a moment it seems like he's reading my mind, c)he's taken the trouble to do that little something for me.

Please take everything I say with a pinch of salt (but remember not to exceed the RDA of 6g)

And there will be some people who are always going to analyse what's happening, they don't have minds that can zone out but that doesn't mean that they aren't into nor enjoying what's happening.

--- Autofellatio - a lot more like having a cock in your mouth than a mouth on your cock.

True, true...However, it is very hard for me to ignore their "loud" thinking...Especially when I clock on they would have preferred something else, which, yes, I don't have to pay attention to, but it is an effort to drop once registered...

I've talked to some other Dom/mes about this, and quite a few say they are vaguely aware of subs doing this with them, but they either don't notice (and then get surprised by reading the sub's blog a few days later), or they don't care at all...

I seem to care a lot, for some reason. Maybe I shouldn't, maybe I'm just complicating things...Meh...

I can see why it would appeal to some subs - it pretty much let's you script your ideal play session to ensure you get everything you're craving, and I'm sure that's fine. But it's quite literally the opposite of what I enjoy from submission. I prefer feeling like someone else has the control, and like I'm only there to please them and do as they wish. I like the knowledge that whatever they're doing to me, they're doing it because they enjoy it, and they want to do it. Not just to please me. That's the opposite of what I love about submission.

Seems a bit weird to see these stories of subs giving instructions and dommes following them, how very backwards!

I know, but it is not really that simple: on the outside one could never tell that the sub is "giving instructions", or god forbid the Dom/me following them, it is a matter of some subs not being able to step out of their very curious, inquisitive, super analytical, perhaps control-freaky personality, which they might try to curb when playing, but struggle to do so...Of course there is a naughty element of topping from the bottom a bit as well, but not so much...