Posted by Darkhorse2009
on Tue 29 Jun 10, 12:29 AM to Darkhorse2009's blog.
Wake me up before you Go Go - a random story
So i'm going to write a story - it will be a good one but a random one as i favour the absurdist style. I'll try to inject popularist elements to appeal to the masses. I think i'll start with a high octane in your face opening to immediately grab the reader's attention.
'GIMME THE FACKIN MONEY, YOU. YOU LOT ON THE FACKIN GRAHND!'
Meet Bobbo ... (Britmovie style voiceover and freeze frame of Bobbo snarling, sawn off shot gun in the tellers face, pic fades to black and white for added effect) ... Bobbo's a bank robber. This is im robbin a bank ... cos thas whad we do.
Unfreeze and camera shifts to behind Bobbo where a clown is juggling custard pies.
Thas Bobbo's cousin Sid ... E's a clahn. This ole fing started cos of Sid an sum trubble e got in wiv a geezer. Oo's this geezer u ask ... let's ave a look.
BEWARE GENRE SHIFT ... GENRE SHIFT IS APPROACHING but we remain in black and white.
Sid is sitting in full white mask, red nose and frilly romper suit at a table in what appears to be a disused warehouse - a card game is on. 3 other men are sitting around the table. They look like they could be extras in the Sopranoes.
A bulbous nosed fat bellied man with slick back jet black hair and olive skin looks at Sid 'Whaddaya, stoopid ya fuh fuhn gool. You some kinda clown?'
'Yes,' replies Sid 'Look at the way i'm dressed for fugs sake.' (Fug is not a typo for fuck. Sid is a member of a rare sect which worships a deity called Fug.
The thinly veiled mafia stereotype gets to his feet and draws a gun 'Youse piecea shit, youse fockin granola lookin mook ... nobody answers Vito the Cock Cockolini back wit a deadpan straightforward delivery.'
The situation appears tense but then another genre shift occours and Sid finds himself sitting on a rock without his clown costume.
'Whew, that was close,' he says to the funnily dressed six foot mock turtle standing beside him 'I was almost whacked by a mobster ... i think he was more Goodfellas than Sopranoes but i'm not sure. Where am i now? What kind of genre is this?'
'Alice,' replied the turtle.
'In Wonderland?'
The turtle shook its head 'Nah mate, yer in Alice ... Oz mate, yer in fackin Oz.'
Sid still never got it 'So not Through the Looking Glass ... more your Yellow Brick Road, Scarecrow, Cowardly Lion type deal?'
The turtle looked pissed off as it hoisted a tinnie and slurped noisily 'Nah mate, fackin Alice Springs in Oz ... Fackin Crocodile Dundee, All Stars, Neighbours ... fackin Oz mate!'
Sid nodded 'That's where they used to send the convicts isn't it? I was once in an 18th century naval epic genre adventure,' he explained.
The turtle whose name was Mick Turtle did not look amused 'Look ya flamin galah, if ya don't shut yer piehole i'm gonna finish me tinnie an then i'm gonna shove the fosters can up yer arse.'
Sid backed away nervously but then experienced 6 genre shifts in a row - he was nearly gunned down at the OK Corral, a dinosaur tried to eat him, a cannibal tried to eat him, an actress called Jenna tried to get him to eat her, he ate a meal ... well a breakfast, with a girl called Tiffany and he got lost in space for a bit.
Then the writer realised that several elements were missing and Sid ended up in a frock coat and his hair got all wild and curly. A middle aged couple in early 19th century dress were standing in front of him.
'So it is agreed,' said the man - a round heavily jowled fellow with large white whiskers 'You will meet my daughter but be standoffish - your arrogance will slightly repel her while making her intrigued. She in turn will be defensive and engage you in banter as good as you get and you will raise your eyebrow in suprise to find a young lady who is not the usual giggling madam that bores you. You will then cross her path many times over the next twenty years, secretly aid her vacuous young sister without revealing your hand in it even though she despises you for your coldness while secretly admiring your gentlemanly qualities.'
'Mr Dallywinkle is right,' interjected his wife in a nervous high pitched tone 'We have left the girls well prepared for but when we die on page 127 our unscrupulous cousin Mr Thatchley will defraud them of their inheritance and attempt to force poor Jessica into marriage but fear not young man, eventually you will save her and you shall both be wed in twenty years and 679 pages time!'
Sid took all this in and then looked across the room where he saw Miss Jessica Dallywinkle and thought 'she's a bit of all right.'
'scuse me folks,' he told the parents and strode over 'Jessica? I'm Sid Darcy ... not my real last name, but it seemed appropriate. Your parents just told me the plot.'
Jessica raised an eyebrow and looked him over 'Indeed sir and you felt it inprudent to wait for a formal introduction i surmise. How very modish of you, but i fear you might have mistaken me for one of Lady Caroline Lamb's set.'
Sid swigged on the can of fosters he had grabbed from the Aussie turtle several genres ago 'Yeah well, change of backstory.' He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the toilette room where within minuts the Dallywinkle's were able to hear, to their horror ... the sounds of their daughter being shagged and enjoying it.
Sid promised to call Jessica but it was only after he had gone that she realised mobile phones hadn't been invented yet. The bastard!!
Sid stepped into the next genre and thought now was a good time for a 'to be continued' and even a cliffhanger.
'Whassup blood, riiii?' said a hoodie staring at Sid's period clothes
'You dissin mah mum blood? you callin er a sket n sayin you ad er?' said a second belligerent young chav, pulling a blade.
Sid knew his cliffhanger moment had come!
Edited Tue 29 Jun 10, 12:30 AM by Darkhorse2009
