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Female jealousies and rivalry. (70)

This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.

Thistle wrote:
Think of the stories of great love we're raised on. The tales of chivalry and romance. We grow up thinking of love in terms of some epic emotion that is so special, so valuable and so fragile that it can only ever be given to one person to hold and to treasure.

To love more than one - and equally, flies in the face of what we expect from romance. Not everyone buys into the ideal of one great, enduring, seismic love. But I do.

Ok - I get that. And I happily accept that, for many people out there, being loved by their partner over and above anyone else is very important to them.

But just because it's what most people want or what we have been raised on, it doesn't mean that it's not possible for some people to be happy in a relationship where they are loved 'equally as much' as someone else. So I contest that telling someone you love them equally as much as someone else is 'a recipe for disaster'.

In fact seeing how much a partner cares about the other (equal) person and values them could be seen as a very positive thing. 'They obviously love that person a lot. They love me equally. So they love me a lot too.'

(I am not suggesting BTW that this should be your only measure of how much someone loves you, I am simply pointing out that it can be viewed as a positive reinforcer).

Subette

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask. - Muse, Undisclosed desires

5 Aug 10, 2:34 PM
caprycorn
8 yrs

subette wrote:

In fact seeing how much a partner cares about the other (equal) person and values them could be seen as a very positive thing. Subette

I think we're violently agreeing here. As I said, I can be kneejerk and mea culpa for that. Seeing J and lucky very much in love makes me happy. Knowing they love me and I them makes me happy. As you say, it's a very positive thing.

Am still not sure about the equally bit though, as in many ways comparing relationships can be a bit apples and oranges. It's all fruit but ain't no way that a kiwi is exactly the same as a galia melon. Vive la difference, says I. But then as I said, it's probably me and semantics.

My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem

5 Aug 10, 2:35 PM
subette
2 yrs

caprycorn wrote:
I have a slight issue with "I love them both equally" mostly because it's a lazy phrase. People are different, the relationships are different, the interactions are different, the affection is different, the maintenance required is different.

Ok - I get where you're coming from on this and I do agree that you can and should love people for the different things they offer - celebrating their uniqueness. But I don't see how this has to equate to loving more or loving less. You can love people equally, but for different reasons.

Subette

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask. - Muse, Undisclosed desires

5 Aug 10, 2:37 PM
subette
2 yrs

caprycorn wrote:
I think we're violently agreeing here.

Ahh - there's nothing like a good old violent agreement. We keep cross posting but, semantics aside, yes I think we're coming from the same place essentially.

Subette

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask. - Muse, Undisclosed desires

5 Aug 10, 2:45 PM
beauvoir
UK(B), 2 yrs

He has two other relationships other than what exists with he and I. I don't get jealous or possessive in the slightest; they are foreign emotions to me. It's simply not the sort of person I am. As long as he doesn't lie to me (which I don't think he would) then there are no problems. Not every woman is the same as me, I appreciate that in this situation I'm lucky for being detached in the way that I am.

Men get jealous just as much as women do, and egos (I think) for men are bruised much easily as they often think about their status more than women. I sometimes think that my actions would hurt him more than his actions would hurt me.

7 Aug 10, 12:20 PM
Sirs_Froglet
UK(S), 3 yrs

I think how jealous/competitive a woman is depends on so many factors at so many different, it would be impossible to label someone as jealous/competitive in general.

Sometimes, I feel afraid, shy and unsure of myself, and when I feel this way, I am easily jealous and compare myself (negatively) to other women. It doesn't mean I don't like the other person/s; I'm just not feeling great in myself. Also, bad experiences with other women can taint my views or make me feel initially wary. Again, it's nothing to do with the other women I meet; just my own worries that might hold me back from making the first move to be friends.

Other times, I am happy, confident and feel sure of who I am in that moment. Then, I am open, chatty and generally kind and complimentary to other women. I like their company and I love to look at and admire them. I like making new friends and I love their company. I'll go out of my way to be a good friend, spend time with them and help them if ever they need me.

In a D/s sense, I wouldn't choose to share my partner with another woman. He's my boyfriend and lover, as well as my Sir, and I am quite monogamous as a person. That's not to say we will never ever play with another woman, but it will depend on lots of things. While I feel wobbly, it is not the best idea for me to even contemplate this. When I am at my most confident and happy, I am more open to letting others into some spaces of our lives.

7 Aug 10, 3:15 PM
Beau_Tox
UK(CB), 7 yrs

LovingDom2 wrote:
subbieintrouble...... I'm not sure I would trust a mentor, an external influence that could be damaging to the relationship you want to protect.

Isn't that the same kind of worry that the ladies in your relationship were facing? A fear that another entity outside of your control is influencing your loved one and potentially damaging what you have.

I'm just saying...

* * *
.
Your orders for today are: Have more fun. . Try to be more like Kandee the makeup artist.

7 Aug 10, 9:17 PM
LovingDom2
3 yrs

Professor_Tim wrote:

LovingDom2 wrote:
subbieintrouble...... I'm not sure I would trust a mentor, an external influence that could be damaging to the relationship you want to protect.

I'm just saying...

Good point, well made, as usual

8 Aug 10, 12:34 AM
Edelweiss_Angel
22 mths

LovingDom2 wrote:
Female jealousies and rivalry.

Female jealousies and rivalry does exist, though many don't admit to it I am sure, though I have heard it said women get dressed up to look better than the other women, nothing to do with men at all. But that's another point entirely.

I wanted to find out what and how others have dealt with multiple relationships and the jealousies and rivalry that can occur.

Here's my experience.... and you have to read this to enjoy the punch line at the end

From Christmas this year for six months I have had two subs. Lucky man you might think, well I do too, I am very lucky and appreciate how lucky I was and am.

Double the pleasure you might think, but sadly no, that wasn't my experience at all, double the trouble would be closer to the mark.

From a very early stage, even though both knew about each other, I was completely honest with both from the start, the jealousies and rivalry came into play.

@temperance even quoted me on one of her blogs about vanilla emotions on Feb 27th http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/264711/1,

temperance wrote:
Further, last night at the london munch i was talking to a Dom who has a poly arrangement and he is currently experiencing some difficulties with his submissives. He has been completely open and honest with both of them and they both know who they each are etc and from what i could ascertain he cares for both equally. The difficulty as i see it is jealousy and the female submissives comparing themselves to each other and thus kicking off.... despite the fact he tries to reassure them he cares for both equally, he is finding it difficult to say the least and is actually at risk of lossing both the lovely ladies that he is currently seeing.

I couldn't get involved in that thread, as much as I wanted to as I was still in the thick of it at the time and it just wouldn't have been right or fair to start saying anything publically.

Sadly I didn't handle the situation very well, obviously, as rather than both following my lead and drawing them both closer together, even just as friends so that all three could communicate openly, almost from the word go the canyon between them got wider and wider.

It got so bad that I had to close my ears as soon as one started talking about the other, or even forcibly stop the conversation ... in hindsight maybe I should have persevered, but it seemed to me that neither were ever going to accept the other, or any other for that matter. ( another poignant remark leading up to the punch line )

I had comments like "I don't understand why I am not enough for you" even heard rumour that one said she would do everything she could to be rid of the other, that it felt like demotion, or replacement, and not accepting it should feel like a wonderful addition, if we'd all talk.

I actually felt like I was being claimed as a possession ... and I never switch ! restrained and restricted, and soon I had to stop communicating about each to each to avoid further ramifications, my way of protecting each one. Maybe not the best way to protect them but that was the way I chose in the end not seeing any alternative.

They felt that any addition should be done together? Now I didn't agree with that, I'd much rather choose, make sure the new person was happy and could fit in, and then slowly integrate.... in this case it didn't work, I still think that it could have done if they had trusted me and followed my direction.

I still love them a lot, they are wonderful people, and both have taught me so much and helped me grow and I will always be thankful for the relationships we had. And yes maybe it was just the wrong mix.

So what now, well here's the punchline, The one that wasn't bi is now in a MFF realtionship, and the other is actively looking to be a couples third !!!! wtf !!! hence I felt the need to blogg, lol.... am I the only one this happens to. lol

As a good friend said to me recently .... ...sometimes out of destruction comes rebirth, so was it ever really destruction or deconstruction in order to recreate something of depth, true purity and beauty?

Edited to add.... you just wait, now the common denominator and reason for the rivalry has been removed, i.e. me, they'll probably start talking and find that they do like each other and get on really well ! lol

It sounds like.... it didn't really work did it?

Did you learn anything from that... like maybe the world isn't made up of just what you want all the time?

There is a crack in all that god has made, we fall into the world like raindrops.

16 Aug 10, 9:44 PM
Smthinginurmouth
UK(B), 2 yrs

You sound like a loving and great Dom. But if you look at other poly relationships, or search around the topic then you need to realise that most of them do not work. Through my research i have found out that more than love, sex or D/*S needed to keep such a "family" together. Like religion, or any kind of strong spiritual belief. If you look into working poly household there is much more than meets the eye...

Regards, Maya

Sir's Evil half .... !