Female jealousies and rivalry. (70)

I wanted to find out what and how others have dealt with multiple relationships and the jealousies and rivalry that can occur.

Here's my experience.... and you have to read this to enjoy the punch line at the end

From Christmas this year for six months I have had two subs. Lucky man you might think, well I do too, I am very lucky and appreciate how lucky I was and am.

Double the pleasure you might think, but sadly no, that wasn't my experience at all, double the trouble would be closer to the mark.

From a very early stage, even though both knew about each other, I was completely honest with both from the start, the jealousies and rivalry came into play.

@temperance even quoted me on one of her blogs about vanilla emotions on Feb 27th http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/264711/1,

I couldn't get involved in that thread, as much as I wanted to as I was still in the thick of it at the time and it just wouldn't have been right or fair to start saying anything publically.

Sadly I didn't handle the situation very well, obviously, as rather than both following my lead and drawing them both closer together, even just as friends so that all three could communicate openly, almost from the word go the canyon between them got wider and wider.

It got so bad that I had to close my ears as soon as one started talking about the other, or even forcibly stop the conversation ... in hindsight maybe I should have persevered, but it seemed to me that neither were ever going to accept the other, or any other for that matter. ( another poignant remark leading up to the punch line )

I had comments like "I don't understand why I am not enough for you" even heard rumour that one said she would do everything she could to be rid of the other, that it felt like demotion, or replacement, and not accepting it should feel like a wonderful addition, if we'd all talk.

I actually felt like I was being claimed as a possession ... and I never switch ! restrained and restricted, and soon I had to stop communicating about each to each to avoid further ramifications, my way of protecting each one. Maybe not the best way to protect them but that was the way I chose in the end not seeing any alternative.

They felt that any addition should be done together? Now I didn't agree with that, I'd much rather choose, make sure the new person was happy and could fit in, and then slowly integrate.... in this case it didn't work, I still think that it could have done if they had trusted me and followed my direction.

I still love them a lot, they are wonderful people, and both have taught me so much and helped me grow and I will always be thankful for the relationships we had. And yes maybe it was just the wrong mix.

So what now, well here's the punchline, The one that wasn't bi is now in a MFF realtionship, and the other is actively looking to be a couples third !!!! wtf !!! hence I felt the need to blogg, lol.... am I the only one this happens to. lol

As a good friend said to me recently .... ...sometimes out of destruction comes rebirth, so was it ever really destruction or deconstruction in order to recreate something of depth, true purity and beauty?

Edited to add.... you just wait, now the common denominator and reason for the rivalry has been removed, i.e. me, they'll probably start talking and find that they do like each other and get on really well ! lol

Edited Fri 18 Jun 10, 9:39 PM by LovingDom2

Either that or you awoke something in each of them that took some headtime for each to assimilate and they have now sallied forth to explore this hitherto unwanted dynamic.

We live, we learn. Good luck in the future.

Regards, Maz.

Enjoyer of Niche Pleasures.
Cardiff Munch

Edited 18 Jun 10, 9:53 PM by SirDreadly

some times too with just two people the mix can be wrong and there is nothing you can do about it. If these two were bitter it is no supprise they wouldnt go bi to each other. TBH there with others now, you cant worry about wha there doing.

One thing dating has made me realise is that anyone who has perfect relationships with out any issues is prob lieing.

good luck for next time.

ETA It could have been that they were not happy with being bi and needed some time to sort it out. That two could lead to trouble.

commitment is like ham and eggs. the chicken makes a contribution, the pig makes a commitment.

Edited 18 Jun 10, 9:54 PM by Lord_Gobbimort

subbie xxx

In a previous relationship my Dom was poly. He had another sub who he had been seeing before he met me.

The fact that I didn't know about her at first is the difference of course and once I found out there was a "period of adjustment" whilst I went stark raving mad. Anyway we continued on. I was always jealous of her but rarely brought that up with him. Slagging someone off isn't really the answer. I had the choice to walk away and I didn't. Instead I was given the choice to see others too so I did.

Looking back, the problem was that the situation made me feel insecure. I wanted to know that he really cared about me, that I came first with him etc and he couldn't give me that assurance.

Odd thing is that now she and I get on well. None of us are together and all three of us are friendly. Infact he and I went to her wedding a few weeks ago That was weird but nice.

These days I an in a relationship where I feel secure and loved. Its down to personality and mix. I would actually feel more comfortable now I suspect.....oh, as long as he loved me best

Gobby, hello mate, I wasn't even asking or expecting them to be bi with each other ... just get along at least ! lol And yes I completely agree, my responsibility is over and also what they do is none of my business, though still want them to be safe ofcourse ...

Subbietrouble, they didn't meet each other, well ... they almost did, and that didn't help matters, OMG how I suffered then from both sides ! lol ( another story lol )

CarolinaMoon, you've hit the nail on the head that's something I obviously didn't do properly and I should have spent more effort on making each one feel secure, loved and assured... didn't know how at the time... hence asking how others have done it ...

The next time I'm going to be asking for diaries to be made, so that I can read thoughts that they may not feel comfortable saying directly to me, and address them quietly. As well as ensuring security and assurance.

I can't speak for others, but I'm useless at being brutally honest in a diary too, if I know it will be read. I think one of the best ways can be to let them have a mentor, someone they can whinge to, and the mentor can speak to you about things they think you need to know.

subbie xxx

At the moment neither the Captain nor I have another relationship, but we both did when we first started seeing each other. I think I would struggle if she had another relationship but wouldn't introduce me, I would worry that she felt I was not good enough to meet her new partner.

I don't know if that's relevant to your own situation but it occurred to me that the other person of your thoughts is always way more terrifying than the reality because you have time to imagine them into some sort of goddess that your partner will immediately ditch you for!

As always, each to their own

The challenge is to be yourself, in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else......

skadii, yes I completely agree, meeting would or at least could have dispelled any of those imagined images that could cause the inappropriate imagined inadequacies, both were gorgeous and wonderful, neither had inadequacies, .... but I'm sure that's what they felt, (they were different, and absolutely gorgeous enough for me to choose them, I am very very picky lol)

sadly I didn't even get the chance to arrange it, I said at the start I wanted them to get on and meet, but from the start it was a no go area, so there was obviously something I didn't do correctly in this mix, ( if there ever was a correct way ) which is what I need to learn for the next time