This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| 7 Jun 10, 7:50 AM tazallie UK, 2 yrs   |
I don't think it's a case of either or. They both offer different approaches to the same thing and I would hazard perhaps have the same success and failure rate. It's really about who you are and what you want. I never found anyone I would consider being in a relationship with in the last 7 years in the vanilla world yet within a few months in the BDSM world I had found two men I really liked and am in a very happy relationship with one of them. But equally there will be people who won't find anyone here but will find someone in the vanilla world. Tazallie | |
| 7 Jun 10, 8:00 AM Atrebate UK, 4 yrs |
I agree; do both approaches. In the end, it was from amongst the online kinky people that my girl approached me, but I also had slowly and cautiously been outing myself to vanilla friends, mostly female ones, some of whom introduced me to friends of theirs because they 'thought we might get along'. That seemed the most promising approach at the time. Eggs and baskets spring to mind. "There's no D/s in Team" (Sparks, V., 2009, pers. comm.) | |
| 7 Jun 10, 8:02 AM MisterBear UK(WA), 8 yrs  |
Try finding a Dominant woman on this site who promotes herself as a woman and not a Domme. Take yourself for example, how many of your pics are of you as a normal every day woman, and not as some fantasy figure Domme? Even your profile is focused on the Domme side and not the woman side. If you sell yourself as one thing then don't be surprised if people don't see you as anything else. I always behave. I just don't specify how. | |
| 7 Jun 10, 8:34 AM othyim NL, 3 yrs |
I´d have to say kinky dating DOES work out.
Apart from the fact that you have to kiss a lot of toads before, well you know....  The times when I was single I chose to have an add up at a kinky site, cause vanilla relationships simply just dont work for me, lead to drama. And I hate drama. But, in that add, I deliberately never mentioned my kinks, Thus, I never had a checklist, and I always focussed on the relationship-part in my add. Also, I always made it crystal clear that I´m totally monogamous, and expected the same from a possible partner. Anybody that approached me and started with even vaguely sexual or remotely kinky messages within lets say 2 or 3 emails was out. Cause I want to know the person, not the Domly 2-dimensional cartboard image. I looked for a relationship, not an easy lay, or getting rid of any kinky itchings. I reckoned that the fact that I was at a kinky dating site should be sufficient information at that stadium. With this approach, getting to know eachother, gradually opening up (mutually, tyvm), you will have the obvious disappointments, or, at times, the rather painfull realisation that you are not compattible as partners. Cope with it. Its not that different in vanilla. But when the process of getting to know eachother and opening up goes well, when you like the person and not just the Dom, in my experience it is very likely that you will, eventually, meet someone.
Edited 7 Jun 10, 8:58 AM by othyim | |
| 7 Jun 10, 8:48 AM Ms_Tytania 7 yrs |
Meeting someone who's compatible at so many levels, that is, partner material, is not at all easy. In all scenes, full stop. It feels harder here because sites like this facilitate lots of potential encounters, but that doesn't mean they all should be ideal, it only means there is more quantity, but not quality. Patience, comrades. Cock teaser to the Gentry. | |
| 7 Jun 10, 10:32 AM successfu1 5 yrs |
It's a complicated issue- do you seek to find someone in the kink community that you have a compatibility with but may not mesh on other areas or vice-verse. It depends how vital the kink is, if it's a 'hobby' you do sometimes or a huge and undeniable aspect of your self identy or an are where you have kink close to the vanilla surface that selecting someone nilla who could be steered. It's tricky. Hard not to view things in such a binary way - it's only a sliding scale from school disco hot chick on nightclub to age play or from a rough kiss to pinnng her against a wall. If anyone HAS the answer however... | |
| 7 Jun 10, 11:16 AM kt_432 UK, 2 yrs |
It definately depends on what you're looking for. Meeting a vanilla partner and introducing kink was the best route for me as we are a couple first, and domme/sub second. I wanted to meet someone who I would be compatible with in my everyday life, and although I wanted a d/s relationship of a frequent nature, the relationship on a vanilla level had to match first. Also, I don't enjoy events or munches so my only option would have been online kinky dating which was mostly kink orientated and it didn't feel like a fit to me. I wanted to know the others things about someone first. | |
| 7 Jun 10, 11:31 AM beauvoir UK(B), 2 yrs |
I'm new on this scene and I've often been told to find someone that I like, and allow the sex/BDSM play to come after as it's the mental and emotional connection that matters more than anything. True as that may be, I'm not alone in almost crying with frustration when sex never satisfied me. I've been with men that I've cared about, enjoyed their company, even loved and I ended up betraying them as incompatibility in the bedroom left us bother suffering. I would never, EVER, pressure a man to do something he was uncomfortable with and most of the men I dated are uncomfortable with what I want. Many vanilla man simply cannot raise their hand to a woman in any context. I would never allow them to force it. Perhaps I ought to look for a man I love and then move on from there, but since a LTR is not what I'm looking for, I see no harm in seeking compatibility in the bedroom first and foremost and then seeking to move past that. In fact, with many of the vanilla lovers I've had, when it was obvious that there was obvious chemistry there, we got on very well! A D/s relationship undoubtedly requires trust and honesty, but that is possible to have without the necessarily requirements that a "normal" relationship often comes with.
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| 7 Jun 10, 11:53 AM Marvell UK, 4 yrs |
Would someone be kind enough to hand me that curate's egg over there ? "Overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out." | |
| 7 Jun 10, 12:04 PM tanken UK(NR), 2 yrs |
I agree but sometimes wonder if I have just got too 'fussy' in my old age? 'Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather' - Velvet Underground |
