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| Clodmin |
on Wed 2 Jun 10, 1:23 PM to Clodmin's blog.
Hi all. I just wanted to let you know about a new club night I'm starting up.
As you know, I've been on the scene for well over 20 months now, having made in excess of an online friend and accruing a staggering amount of top quality fetish accessories, a comprehensive list of which can be viewed by clicking on my profile.
I am not a selfish man. I am well aware that, with this vast knowledge and experience, to say nothing of talent, comes a huge responsibility to those beneath me in the meritocratic hierarchy of BDSM.
So, I am delighted to announce the arrival of the brand new scene night, Symmetria! It's new, it's edgy, it's possibly the most exclusive event you're ever likely to be refused permission to attend.
Yay!
This night won't be like any old tat you seem to get on the scene these days. This is a whole new approach. It will reinvent the concept of unnecessarily convoluted intercourse (or BDSM, to give it its full acronym), and for many of me, it will result in a lot more sex.
Now, I don't want to waste anyone's time. If you are fat, old, male, transexual, asymmetrical or poor, then Symmetria! is not the event for you. Perhaps you would be more suitably accommodated elsewhere.
(Why not amuse yourself with the box of duplo provided in the foyer of the glue factory, while you wait for your number to be called?)
Beautiful people, read on.
The club will be set over two floors, with two gorgeously-appointed double bedrooms available upstairs. One of those is mine, and the other one I'll probably use as a cloakroom so please try not to have sex on the coats. And don't look under the bed. There's some stuff there but it's private.
Downstairs, in Symmetria!'s main entertainment area, there will will be a staggering amount of kit for guests to enjoy, ranging from an authentic medieval iron maiden to genuine cast iron spoons. Separate areas will be available for medical, dental and homeopathic play, behind the sofas at the back of the living room. Guests are requested not to urinate on the bookshelf. Some of those comics are irreplaceable.
Refreshments will be provided by the house maid, my lovely wife @Reluctant_Slave24 (some of you may know her from her previous IC handle, @Im_only_doing_this_because_I_love_him).
Don't worry, ladies, she'll be in the kitchen fixing snacks for most of the evening, and won't get in the way of Symmetria! becoming *the* Oxford event for young, symmetrical females aged 18-18.
Entertainment will be provided on the evening. I will be reading a few select passages from my favourite book, 'How to induce a sexual trance in teen-aged females' and handing round portraits of my terrifying cock.
If no-one pisses me off and makes me kick everybody out and sulk in my bedroom, the party will doubtless go on into the wee hours. Guests are advised to bring the appropriate sleeping gear and prophylactics, although some contraceptives will be distributed by my wife on the night.
This month's themes are 'cock hungry' and 'indiscriminately subservient', so guests should come appropriately attired. The dress code for women is nothing. G-strings emblazoned with my face will be handed out at the door. If it's too small for you to fit into, there's a good chance you misread the invitation. £20 admission.
For men, the dress code is nothing. Not in the sense of 'don't wear anything' but more in the sense of 'you're not invited'. If you do turn up, be aware that the admission for single males is several orders of magnitude higher than for women, so be prepared to leave your car in our possession and spend the evening locked in the shed. Not in the good way.
Also please note that there will be someone on the door to vet entrants for age and symmetry, who will ask for identification and place a handheld mirror along the central axis of your face. Right of refusal reserved.
Symmetria! aims to be an inclusive and friendly clique, and we're always keen to hear your infantile suggestions for improvements to our precious night. Feel free to memo me or suggest ideas below.
Invite all your symmetrical friends, because unless the boiler repair man keeps his appointment this afternoon, this is going to be one of the hottest events of the year! I look forward to seeing you all there and dominating you with my impressive cock-to-ball ratio before BDSMing my load all over your fucking tits.
Piss and love.
Symmetria!
| 2 Jun 10, 1:32 PM Miss_Despotic UK(M), 5 yrs    |
Sounds fabulous! Count me in (if you'll have me? ) Edited 2 Jun 10, 1:34 PM by Miss_Despotic | ||
| 2 Jun 10, 1:36 PM Fish_Stew UK(M), 2 yrs |
Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh, lego. | ||
| 2 Jun 10, 1:37 PM Ro_Laren UK(S), 3 yrs |
You sick, depraved bastard! 'We cannot choose what we are, yet what are we but the sum of our choices?' | ||
| 2 Jun 10, 1:37 PM FluffySub UK(NN), 6 yrs      |
Damn. I'm too asymmetrical, you shapist bastard  | ||
| 2 Jun 10, 1:46 PM Clodmin UK(OX), 3 yrs |
It's out of my hands, I'm afraid. You'll need to speak with the bouncer after you've paid entry. He's the one with the mirror. @Everyone, I appreciate that I'll get the usual accusations of 'shapism' etc, but try to look at it from my perspective. It's off-putting. I'm trying to get down to some serious hardcore homeopathy play, and then some scaly, scalene mutant bends over to velcro up his plimsolls and the whole scene is thrown out of balance. Why should someone so perfectly formed as me have to wander around in a room full of mis-shapen weirdos like you? It's like hanging the Mona Lisa above the toilets in a pub. A pub frequented by asymmetrical lepers.
Your name here. Reasonable rates. Apply within. | ||
| 2 Jun 10, 1:49 PM Grasshopper UK(SE), 2 yrs |
And it doesn't get less symmetrical than somebody with only one arm. Oh, well, that's easy. Tucker's Law: If some cunt can fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck it up because that cunt's a cunt. I've got that embroidered on a teatowel at home. | ||
| 2 Jun 10, 10:41 PM Crystal_Eyes UK, 5 yrs  |
£20 you say? How will we know if we fit the bill before paying up and arriving? Is the deposit returnable if we're just not damn symmetrical enough? And do you have a DJ? ------------------------------------------ | ||
| 2 Jun 10, 10:53 PM Clodmin UK(OX), 3 yrs |
If you are worried about being turned away for being too scalene, the best thing to do is ask the bouncer before you pay entry. For around £20 he will give you a free symmetry assessment that could save valuable £s if you don't fit the bill. Which, by the way, you blatantly don't. Good thinking on the music; I will borrow my sister's ipod.
Your name here. Reasonable rates. Apply within. | ||
| 3 Jun 10, 7:52 AM Miss_serena 4 yrs |
Funny ..funny ..funny .. x owned , happy and contented.x | ||
| 3 Jun 10, 7:58 AM Caracal UK(SS), 5 yrs      |
No cakes then, oozing with clotted cream and chocolate, syrupy glutinous baklava or sticky and heavy with treacle and fruit? HooBloodyRay! That rarest of shy things...a cake free event. The nice lady with the whip. |
