Ex's (27)

That's simply untrue. You thinking like that is going to keep you attached. Your attached, this isn't a love story any longer. Look up intermittent reinforcement. You'll see why that kiss has had such an affect.

When someone is right for you, and you them, it isn't painful.

Abnormally Attracted to Sin - Tori Amos

As odd as this may sound, I am still best mates with one of my exes, though I have had to make a conscious effort to put a bit of distance between us. We parted amicably, basically we agreed we love each other but were no longer "in love". The fact he is strictly vanilla and I'm not was also a deciding factor in why we were no longer compatible, but if there is a good friendship there, then I would argue the friendship can be (but is not always) worth maintaining and fighting for.

Recently, whilst out drinking with this ex - purely as a platonic friendship from my perspective - he tried to persuade me to sleep with him again, despite already having a new girlfriend. OK we can all blame the booze, but it was a very difficult situation for me to be in as I had to very assertively tell him that it was blurring boundaries and that we were no longer in that type of a relationship any more: I am a very close friend, and because of that I had to be firm and insist he stopped what he was doing then and there. It would have been very easy to have given in to temptation but I know in my heart I would not forgive either of us had we gone down that route. Sometimes I think the sense of familiarity and comfort you may have if maintaining the friendship can cause a conflict of emotions and blur thoughts a little.

You need to ask yourself is this friendship worth maintaining. If it is, then I personally recommend being firm about boundaries. As you have already stated yourself, you broke up for a reason. If the friendship is genuine, and she is not just clinging to a familiar "comfort blanket" by staying in touch with you, then you need to be clear what is and is not appropriate. This is to avoid giving off mixed signals to her. I know only too well how painful and confusing it feels when an ex seems to behave in a way that suggests it might work again "this time", and feelings come back to the surface that you thought you had buried or dealt with. For your benefit and hers, I really strongly feel you should stop being physically intimate (yes that includes snogging) as it is inevitably a destructive direction to go down.

I can't say I like the concept of trying to be as nasty as possible to put closure on this matter, as emotionally hurting someone is just not the ideal way to behave, and I get the impression you are feeling guilty about doing this to try and dissuade your ex (correct me if I'm wrong).

Is your ex really a genuine friend? If so, put some distance between you and explain the situation openly. Set some boundaries and more importantly stick to them.

However, if you suspect your ex is displaying affection as a comfort thing, then I would question if this is a healthy friendship to maintain. It may well be harder for you but better in the long run to call an end to it and walk away.

Obviously, only you know the full story behind why you and your ex broke up. I can only advise and not instruct, but as I have said, I've been in a similar situation and yes it is possible to stay platonic with exes and maintain a friendship, so long as you are firm in your boundaries with them.

Whatever decision you take, best of luck, and try to not be too hard on yourself.

*hugs*

R.

I play dead it stops the hurting / I play dead and hurting stops
It's sometimes just like sleeping / curling up inside my private tortures
I nestle into pain / hug suffering / caress every ache

There is always that niggling feeling that you got them to fall for you before, why not just do it again? But you start realising it isnt as simple as that. When the relationship ended it just completely obliterated me. Female mates picked up on this and actually said to me that I dont let anyone in anymore.

I think im just about recovering again but cant let myself be sucked in, chewed up and spat out again. Yet there is that trait that makes me want to take the risk to see if there is a different outcome.

Don't agree with that at all. You can love someone and they you and be absolutely perfect for each each other but, for whatever reason, it's impossible for you to be together.

And, trust me, that's really fucking painful.

I think it's sometimes easier to give up and say it's not worth the heartache or hassle of working on a friendship. What you've really got to decide though is if you could really live without that person in your life at all.

Try talking to her, tell her you'd like to try being friends but that she will have to rein in her inappropriate behaviour if she wants the same thing.

Good luck, it does get easier in time, I promise.

Abnormally Attracted to Sin - Tori Amos