Posted by LittleMissEvil on Mon 26 Apr 10, 3:30 AM to LittleMissEvil's blog.
Tags: Manchester (M)
Ok as I sit here wide awake when I should be asleep, something that of late has been happening a lot. My mind starts to wonder about everything. I would say that right now in general I am doing ok, I am enjoying my degree, I have some great friends, and I have a direction in life that I am happy with. I know just where I want to go and I know what I need to do to get there, which I suppose is a rare thing. Yet there is a void, a great big gaping chasm in my life and there has been for a while now.
I look around at friends and people I am at uni with, and I see the one thing I want that I don't seam to ever be able to get. Well I say that, I had it once and I felt good with it, it was a 4 year period that I look back to and although so many of the other things I have now were not there I was happy and content. There have been brief periods of time since then when I have kidded myself that I have had the same thing, but none of those periods ever came close to that.
I sit here thinking that I would gladly swap everything I have just to be able to have that one thing. Friends, family people at uni all of them can find it yet I seemingly can't find it. I try to kid myself in to thinking that it doesn't matter, or that I really don't want it. That if I want sex or something like that I can go online and get it at the drop of a hat. I did that last year, in fact I did it a hell of a lot last year. But all that does is leave you feeling empty and even more alone.
Sometimes it gets me thinking that maybe some of us are just destined to be single for the majority of our life. That's a thought that hurt's especially when you see others happy and in couples. Don't get me wrong I am happy for people who find someone to share their life with. But I suppose the more people you see getting involved with other people the more it eats away at you inside, the fact you are still single.
It makes you wonder why? What have I done wrong? What is so different about me that keep's me single?
Sometimes I would swap everything I have now or will have, to be one of those people who works for their entire life in the same job, who has no real ambition to better themselves and does the same thing every weekend for their entire life, but has someone who loves them and that they love.
Maybe that's the problem. Maybe intelligence and aspiration's scare people. I don't know why it may as to be honest a partner who was smart and had ambition to thrive at everything she did would be a huge turn on for me.
Or maybe I just set the bar to high for what I am after. Maybe the desire for someone similar to me means I am never going to be able to accept someone who doesn't match up to what I want. Maybe I would be better just accepting that I am just one of those people who will remain single and just focus on my work and focus myself entirely on that. Who knows, anyhow I shall leave it here for now as otherwise it will become incoherent ramblings, which I fear it may have already become.
| 26 Apr 10, 5:59 AM CPeccavi 4 yrs |
I have been single most of my adult life and I don't expect that quota to change. The grass is always greener, however, so no, if the technology ever arrives, don't swap everything you've accomplished for that part of your life that's lacking, rejoice in what you have gained for yourself. x I think everyone should like everybody ..... Andy Warhol |
| 26 Apr 10, 9:56 AM Irrepressible_Red UK(M), 5 yrs  |
I was a "serial monogamist" for most of my teenage years, bouncing from one relationship to another, none of them really suiting me very well, but always moving on to the next when they inevitably failed through fear of being alone. I went through a very rough patch at the start of uni where there was nobody around that interested me, or worse when the people I was interested in simply didn't want me. It took me almost two years and a lot of heartache to realise that you'll never be happy with someone until you're happy without someone, until you're happy in your own skin, and that's been my mantra ever since. That along with the bloody irritatingly true saying you only find someone when you're not looking, which never fails to make the people you say it to want to punch you but is true none the less! You are a highly intelligent, enviably driven woman who really knows where she wants to go in her life. This is not something to hide or play down because you think it might scare some little fishie away, it's something to be gosh-darn proud of and celebrate about yourself. Confidence is one of the most attractive traits a person can have. Knowing your own mind may not help you find someone in the short term, but it will help you realise when someone isn't right for you before a situation can turn stale/bad/lead to hurt. In the mean time, be yourself and be proud of who you are. Hope this helps a little bit. |
| 26 Apr 10, 2:28 PM totallycoverme UK(M), 4 yrs |
I can fully relate to what you say and every word that you write here could have very easily been my own words. It's easy to get sex/play/any random relationship but to find something that makes you truely happy in an ongoing sense is well, I've not even had it so I'm not even gonna attempt to quantify how hard it is to find such a thing.
So yeah, you're not alone in your thoughts and I really hope that you find what you seek because you are a nice deserving person who has a lot to offer I have the same fears that you do and it's so frustrating isn't it coz it makes you keep thinking "I don't know why this is and thus I don't know how to increase the probability of finding what I want" So yes, I truely wish you the very best in this respect and can wordify enough how much I'm feeling for what you say here!
Laura It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice |
