Posted by LittleMissEvil on Thu 15 Apr 10, 10:29 AM to LittleMissEvil's blog.
This is best read listening to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-euRuxOAcrs
In the time that I have had away from the 'scene' I have had the time and opportunity to think some things over; to evaluate my life and what I want from it. Looking back over the last 12 to 18 months I could not see many good points from what I did I just had lots of regrets about what I have done.
Prior to then I had always been some what of a very closed off person, to get close to me required me to have a degree of trust that not many people received. This suited me, it meant that I held the upper hand when it came to relationships, as I let people get as close as I felt comfortable with.
However at the end of 2008 on the advice of a few people I took a chance and lowered my guard some what, to let more people get close to me and know who I am properly. Which I suppose you could say 'paid off' as it lead to three relationships. Though retrospectively looking at them, all three were a mistake. One being a vanilla ex that I had a soft spot for but eventually came to realise that it was never going to work out as she used me as and when she wanted something. The other two were people from the 'scene' and without going in to details both retrospectively were wrong for me but for different reasons.
Yet while all these were going on, I also felt as lonely as I had ever felt and although at one point for a few months had 3 relationships on the go, felt as if I was there more to fill their needs rather than to have something mutual. Which leads me on to one of my other big regrets of 2009; which was the degree of sexual promiscuity I had. As foolish as it may sound I had a lot of sex but all for the wrong reasons, I was doing it, literally, with people not because I wanted it but because I wanted to feel wanted. If that makes any sense; and it became a vicious circle of needing to do it more because once it was over the feelings of loneliness came back quicker and quicker.
Now having thought all of this over and contemplating what I consider the best thing to do has left me with only one conclusion as to what I need or have to do; and that is to personally go back those 18 months with my personality. Become that guarded person again and start to feel confident in myself again. Take back all the control I had surrendered and once again not let anyone close who I don't trust explicitly.
This has also to a degree helped spur on a decision I had been mulling over for the past six months or so. Which is that I am ruling out any possible relationship for an indeterminate amount of time, as for me to have a successful one it would require me to give someone a level of trust that I am not comfortable giving. It's something that I have thought through a fair bit and I have come to a place where I have accepted the possibility that I may never be able to give the level of trust you need for a relationship and if that's the case then so be it.
So if you see me out and about, and I seem cold and distant there is nothing wrong and no need to worry, it just means I am back to a place where I feel safe and secure.
| 15 Apr 10, 1:40 PM mia  UK(M), 4 yrs         |
Glad to have you back and as it's the internet i shall give you a hug, cos you can't escape it. *HUG* (I might also try and give you one in real life when i see you next - i'm small, i can get anywhere then run away fast!) mia, x "The most difficult character in comedy is that of the fool, and he must be no simpleton that plays that part." |
| 15 Apr 10, 3:00 PM totallycoverme UK(M), 4 yrs |
your honesty in this blog takes guts and i admire that. i have no doubt that a lot fo what you say will be related to by many others, me being one of them! There are a lot of people who try to persuade you to be more x instead of y (in your case, as you say here, more open than closed) but in a lot of cases, you know you better than anyone else and thus you should listen to what you want! You are one of the first people I met regarding bdsm and it is fascinating to observe how we've both evolved and changed in our scene related journey. I think evolving in our ways of doing things on scene as a result of experience isn't necessarily the "best" thing to do. I would love to be as niave and bouncy and "i'm gonna throw caution to the wind" in the way that I was when I first got on scene over two years ago. So yeah, change isn't always for the best Welcome back, use the scene as you need it and know that a lot of people will be pleased to see you there looking confident and comfortable in yourself and your prescence (i should take a leaf outta my own book there)
Laura It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice |
| 15 Apr 10, 4:10 PM StanBWonderful UK(L), 6 yrs |
Welcome back  *hug* |
