A moment of clarity (5)

Posted by the_unsub on Sun 4 Apr 10, 12:47 AM to the_unsub's blog.

Following a long period of uncertainty regarding who I am and what I am I've found a rare moment of clarity.

I'm now certain that I am aromantic (not interested in pursuing relationships) and quite possibly asexual (I'm not generally interested in sex. Never had it before and not particularly interested in pursuing it), the latter seems somewhat surprising considering my dirty sense of humor but I suppose that comes more from my love of double entendres than anything else.

I've often stressed and worried about ending up alone but this was because finding someone, getting married etc is the "done" thing, it's what I'm "expected" to do - the times when I'm asked "when are you getting a girlfriend?"

The simple fact is that I was never that interested in dating, my few aborted attempts at foraying in to that area were because of this expectation, trying to follow the social norm.

I've started to come to terms with my lack of interest in relationships and I'm happier now. I'm less stressed and don't feel like I have to put on a show. My only worry is that it's something that others will not accept. Generally there's no need to come out of the "asexual closet" except when I need to clarify that I'm perfectly happy as I am. I can foresee having to explain this to my parents eventually to explain that I will always be single and that I'm perfectly happy this way.

Where do I go from here? I still have many questions but I'm finally starting to find answers, things are starting to make sense.

Replies

4 Apr 10, 1:02 AM
MistressBloke
5 yrs

That'll be an interesting discussion around the breakfast table, "Mother I'm asexual"

"You leave those ants and aphyds alone!"

4 Apr 10, 1:37 AM
totallycoverme
UK(M), 4 yrs

If you're happy it's good

there are times when I wouldn't mind being aromantic and asexual because it takes away the scope to have sexual frustration, hurt in relationships and all that sort of bollox

You enjoy them double entendres whether you're sexually active or not! they is funny lol

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

5 Apr 10, 12:25 AM
the_unsub
2 yrs

Pernicious wrote:
I, in some respects, was the same at your age. I felt pressured / obliged to be in a relationship when, in truth, I was quite happy and contented as I was. This led to a string of disasterous encounters which usually ended in me being branded as cold, heartless, insensitive, selfish, frigid....the list could go on.

However, I do like the idea of a relationship and try periodically. But I seem to get so far, panic, make up shit excuses and run. I realise I hurt other people and often myself and genuinely think I can change and pull it off but I know I probably can't. As a result I have adopted the term, "special person in my life" - more than a friend, long term but not full time.

I'm now more accepting and tend not to be so hard on myself. Hopefully you can do the same, in time.

ETA: I'm not sure how much of this has to do with being an introvert, some, maybe all.

Glad to hear you managed to stop being so hard on yourself

I wouldn't say I'm being hard on myself (I'm not sure if I'm coming across that way or if I've just missed the meaning of what you said) I think I'm just struggling to make sense of who and what I am.

I'm struggling to make sense of where my submissive side fits in given the new pieces of the puzzle or if it was even there to begin with.

7 Apr 10, 12:32 PM
Mabesque
UK(LS), 4 yrs

the_unsub wrote:
Where do I go from here?

Anywhere you like Which is the joy of following your own path. I don't know much about either of these identities, but maybe if you look on asexual/aromantic communities there will be answers from people who also have a submissive side? It will probably depend on how you define a relationship - for example, you might seek casual encounters or friendships that include occasional submission, or you might prefer to steer clear altogether.

You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

7 Apr 10, 3:48 PM
the_unsub
2 yrs

Mabesque wrote:
maybe if you look on asexual/aromantic communities there will be answers from people who also have a submissive side?

Thanks for the suggestion, not sure exactly how much info I'll find as I've heard that asexuals are only thought to make up 1% of the population. A niche within a niche it would seem. Being normal is overrated anyway.

--Edit-- Just did some looking around on Aven and it's more commonplace that I thought.

Mabesque wrote:
It will probably depend on how you define a relationship - for example, you might seek casual encounters or friendships that include occasional submission, or you might prefer to steer clear altogether.

Currently I'm leaning towards steering clear of submission, at least until I have a better idea of how I define a relationship. Solving one mystery at a time.

--Edit-- Besides, I don't think I'm feeling particularly submissive at the moment. Perhaps it comes in phases. I know I've always been aromantic but my sex drive seems to have phases. It might be useful to wait and see if there is any link between the two cycles.

Edited 12 Apr 10, 1:19 AM by the_unsub