How important is experience in Femdom? (19)

I agree, so long as the domme respects your limits!

I am pretty much self taught through books, observation and more importantly feedback. I will not indulge in a particular activity if I am not extremely aware of the risks it poses. This however leaves me with areas that I would like to explore but would need guidance. Having an experienced sub is therefore helpful in this area.

My two subs are more experienced than I and I do not consider that to be a hinderance at all. I am in charge, I decide what we do and if I need his help then I tell him so!

Lady Emma

'Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather' - Velvet Underground

I agree with many of the replies. For me it is very much about chemistry and a connection, rather than experience. When I was new, I played with other newbies and explored things together with them - and also played with more experienced people. Both was good and enjoyable and it never mattered to me how experienced someone was.

When I started on the scene, I was young and people knew I was new to it, because of my age then. Most people were friendly and welcoming and offered advise and help when needed, but also gave me the freedom to explore things. Some people however showed quite clearly that they thought I was "worth less" because of my inexperiece, and reacted in a very arrogant way, which I found quite disturbing back then. I suppose these few negative experiences are partly why I decided that I would never want to treat other people - no matter if dominant or submissive - like that.

Experience is not everything that matters and we all started somewhere after all. Also: whenever I am with someone new, it is a new start, a new journey together. No matter how experienced one is, the other person is new to me, so is the dynamic between D and s.

Over the last few years I noticed more and more reactions of people though which made it quite clear that it did matter to them. The question "and how long have you been into this then?" seems to become more and more important to some people.

On the one hand I come across many subs who are looking for someone experienced - but it seems to be the experience they're after, not at all the person, which is very offputting. On the other hand I had a few nice conversations with subs and when the topic of experience arose, they backed off and said they were scared and they want someone more on their level. Argh! I'd judge myself to be extremely newbie friendly, so am always surprised when that happens and it also makes me sad.

In general, I found this to be more an issue with "younger" men, up to maybe mid 30s, whereas "older" men seem to not mind at all either way. Something that sort of puts me in a dilemma sometimes

And now, as munch organiser, I do get quite a few messages of newbies - both dommes and subs - asking if there will be other inexperienced people, as they don't want to be the only newbie. I am wondering if there is anything that can be done to put their mind at rest.

I'll certainly point them in the direction of this discussion, so please keep the answers coming!

currently organising: The @Femdom_Munch - Every last Sunday in Central London!
The @Crystal_Palace_Munch - every first Tuesday in CP!
Come, join us!

I'm not sure I understand this one myself. The only thing I can think is that they have the mistaken belief that an experienced Domme would want to cold cane them right from the word go, or perhaps lead them into a life of total slavery without hope of escape.

Which, of course, is nonsense, because an surely an experiened Domme would know that everyone has their own levels and limits? That going beyond what a sub can expect to take might possibly make them run a mile? It's a shame they can't see that experience also has a distinct upside; that an experienced Domme perhaps has more of a sense of what a sub is capable of taking, even if he doesn't believe it himself?

I know. I was that soldier ...

Beyond that, I really can't see why experience would frighten potential subs off. All I can say is, more fool them, because they're missing out on something really special.

~Twistee~

Everything is better with a twist

Edited 7 Apr 10, 12:06 AM by Twistee

Experience often = confidence and competence for the Domme..

for the submissive = perhaps a greater understanding of the dymamics of true submission..

but whatever the level of experienced or inexperience, respect between Domme and submissive is paramount & vis-a-vis..

Maybe there is a tendency for some submissives to subconsciously rate a Domme's perceived level of experience, against the level of respect they then show.. (in my view this is poor)...

Generally i quietly agree, true interaction between a Domme/s and submissive/s is a journey we embark upon with markers along the way, gaining good and bad experience.. Which hopefully in the end, provides and builds worthwhile sound relationships..

bobby

Edited 7 Apr 10, 3:39 PM by ting_tong

If they are looking for physical play, the person they play with doesn't really matter does it? Of course, it helps if there is chemistry, but the technical expertise, particularly in some of the edgier areas would be more important.

Maybe that is on a D/s level. The D/s side is much more frightening to some. After all, it is a power exchange and surrender - some more deeply than others - quite a different thing to letting someone spank you for a bit.

lady_kayleigh wrote: In general, I found this to be more an issue with "younger" men, up to maybe mid 30s, whereas "older" men seem to not mind at all either way. Something that sort of puts me in a dilemma sometimes

Perhaps the younger men are more wary of "brainwashing" whereas the old men are more confident of their ability to resist our charms? LOL Perhaps the older men are just wise enough to know they don't want to?

It is interesting to "share your journey" with someone. It could be as simple as that - the simple fact that they are both new would give them something in common - being able to laugh over daft things they have done together without feeling stupid. And often people who are very experienced talk about things that are far beyond someone's knowledge -it could be a bit boring for newbies.

I think it is a bit hard to generalise what someone wants to get out of a munch, whether they be oldie or newbie. I do think you are ever-so-nice for trying to match up new people with what they are looking for. I think that the most you can really hope for is that everyone is friendly and people get to know each other enough to want to get to know each other better. The chances that they are going to find their ideal match at that one Munch is pretty slim anyway, I think.

Edited to fix quote marks and to add that if people are wanting to do edgier play, I think it is recommended that at least one of the people are experienced enough that it isn't actually dangerous.

Edited 7 Apr 10, 4:02 PM by Ama_Sidero

It's a bit like driving; I'm not saying people who have driven a car for 25 years will never have an accident, always drive perfectly or always spot a risk ahead of time, but they tend to be able to spot dangerous driving, will have been in certain situations before and may be better able to judge the risks. However, by the same token they can make mistakes easily if they are on auto-pilot or have got into habits that aren't adapted to modern day situations or car mechanics.

“During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act” - George Orwell

Does it mean 'set in their ways'? And does it imply they are experienced with how things will be with you? Does it imply they carry the indelible stamp of past experiences, or is their mind fresh and open to new things? Everything and everyone is unique, after all. One can be very experienced in some ways, but a complete novice in others.

Perhaps a metaphor can be found in rope - it usually can! Take someone new to it tying someone like me, for example, I know sometimes they can feel intimidated. I take it as my job to put them at ease, to relax and have fun. To feel free to go for it, and maybe screw up (who doesn't? Experience is never a guarentee) but also to offer good feedback and help in making the thing work. Sometimes experience tells you to stfu and let things unfold, other times to make a suggestion at the right moment. Myself, I found patience the hardest thing to learn.

Or maybe life experience matters more, anyway.

Why poison your liver when I could eat it for you?
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