This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Wed 31 Mar 10, 5:12 PM QuietlyComfortable 3 yrs |
... how does a submissive do it? I'm in a bit if a, uh, "situation" that is a little tortured, even for BDSM. Essentially, I have very close friend with whom I have also had a sexual D/s relationship in the past. After a long and mutually platonic time apart, we had reached a point where we were both single. A little time later, we ended up talking about the good old days, and one thing lead to another... (you can all see where this is going, can't you?) We had a very long chat about whether we should put this down to a one time slip-up and remain just friends or whether we should start playing regularly. We both (him in particular) have a lot on our plates at the moment (touching on several deep and quite serious issues) so we decided to do the sensible thing and keep it clean. But... this hasn't really happened in practice. I fancy him, he fancies me, we are incredibly good together, but we know that the timing isn't right and ultimately, if we start down this path, we are going to end up hurting (to the point of damaging) each other a great deal. But it is hard to keep this distance danger in mind in the heat of the moment. So how do I resist a Dom who I care about when he has other ideas? I naturally want to submit and he knows me inside out. Any tips for keeping strong? For a short term fix, I was tempted to treat not caving in as a challenge - that I could treat the decision to stay friends as an order. It was still be a D/s dynamic in my head, but not his (which is the most important at this time). Any thoughts? | |
| 31 Mar 10, 5:21 PM shady_lady UK(MK), 3 yrs  |
What a tangled web. It looks to me that there is only 1 solution if you are determined to keep a distance between you despite the obvious attraction - stop seeing each other, stop talking, texting etc. Stop all communication for a period of time and then see how you feel. If you can't do that then stop resisting and find ways round this perceived potential to damage each other at some future point. The only other thing to bear in mind is that the future is a moving feast and what we fear most often doesn't happen, or happens in a quite different way when we get there. Cheers | |
| 31 Mar 10, 6:02 PM Fitznicely UK(B), 2 yrs  |
I'm going to play devil's advocate here: Love is love. The One is The One. You can deny it, run from it, avoid it for years and still yearn. Every big step is scary and has the risk of terrible, terrible hurt. why not just stop running and have each other? You know they say it's always the quiet ones you have to watch? That's me. | |
| 31 Mar 10, 6:08 PM jules9 UK(CH), 3 yrs    |
I've been in a similarish situation, and I could sit here giving you loads of great advice - but as the poster before me has said, love is love - I at least couldn't beat that. It wasn't until he almost broke me that I genuinely found the strength to walk away. It's so much harder when you try and stay friends. If it's possible, and you are seriously worried that this relationship will harm you both, then maybe agree not to see or speak to each other for a set period of time. Good luck! XxX | |
| 31 Mar 10, 6:23 PM TheUnleashed UK(DY), 3 yrs |
I have seen similar situations where ex D/s partners have a hard time keeping things "clean" after a break up and I think it is harder when the one driving is the Dom and the reluctant player is the sub because the balance of power and the skill to press those buttons all seem to lie in the purview of one person. It is worth remembering, however, that the safety in a functioning D/s relationship comes from respect and understanding when a "no" should and does mean "no"...perhaps if you can remind yourself that he might not merit all the trust you offer him it will at least help you focus on staying out of trouble...its only a kernel of help but it might be something | |
| 31 Mar 10, 6:28 PM Fitznicely UK(B), 2 yrs |
Um..."Devil's Advocate"? It occurs to me that it wouldn't be so difficult to come to the decision if there weren't "deeper" emotions at play. There are many people on here who play casually and become wonderful friends because of it. So you believe that playing with this wonderful person long-term will kill the friendship, would you consider that it might not? Love isn't a prerequisite, but why deny the happiness and the opportunity for more? You know they say it's always the quiet ones you have to watch? That's me. | |
| 31 Mar 10, 6:30 PM Stillyet UK(DG), 2 yrs |
Can you find another dom to play with in the short term? Obviously you should tell him why you want to play with him... But if you felt that someone else owned you, and that person demanded exclusiveness, you would find it easier to refuse your friend. ;; Semper in faecibus sumus, sole profundum variat. | |
| 31 Mar 10, 6:31 PM Attitude_Adjuster UK(N), 6 yrs |
And all men kill the thing they love, By all let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword! | |
| 31 Mar 10, 6:35 PM flamesdesire UK(OX), 4 yrs |
What happens when you have met The One......but they cant give you the one thing you most desire....a LTR. Devils advocate is all well and good but you cant always have both. jxx | |
| 31 Mar 10, 6:41 PM ToakReon  UK(RH), 12 yrs |
It's like chocolate and alcohol ... very nice but there comes a time when you have to be able to say "no". If you don't with chocolate you end up fat and unhealthy, if you don't with alcohol you end up drunk with scirosis of the liver, maybe this is just one of those occasions where if it's wrong you have to JUST SAY NO. Yes, it takes willpower - but there's no quick fix in this case just as there's no quick fix when you want anything else that might do you harm. That's why there are drunks and drug addicts around. Sorry - no easy sollution. Just say no. Toak FEMALE, BONDAGE-FRIENDLY MODEL SOUGHT. I am seeking to update my "How To" shibari bondage pictures (see my profile pics, the clothed blonde tied in red and black) with a model more "enthusiastic" about BDSM, and who is happy to be photographed nude. MEMO ME if this is you. | |
| 31 Mar 10, 6:43 PM Phoenyx UK(NW), 4 yrs |
I am in a very similar position to the OP at the moment. My Dom and I have just broken up, and he has moved out of our home and there is no longer going to be a vanilla intimate relationship between us. However, we have an amazing D/s relationship. One that we both deeply want to carry on. It's just a case of working out if this short term enjoyment is 'good for us' when it is not what He wants in the long term. Finding someone that you have an amazing connection with on a D/s level is rare, and it takes time to build up. Often you spend that time and it still goes nowhere, so finding someone you really want to be with that way is very hard to let go of. I dont have any answers for you, if I did I wouldnt be in this mess myself. I just wanted you to know I understand what your going through. 'I guess you go too far, when pianos try to be guitars' |
