Pissed off sub - how does it effect the dynamic? (26)

Subs - in terms of play do you find it hard to submit to a dom/me you are justifiably annoyed with?

Dom/mes - how does it effect your play when your sub ain't in the greatest of moods with you but you know that they have a point?

And what are the repercussions in the wider D/s dynamic?

My tuppence worth:

Yep - talking, letting the dom/me know you are p'd off / the sub know you're sorry is important. But if someone has done something to annoy me _enough_ for it to effect the D/s dynamic then I'm not going to be able to immediately go 'ok - you're sorry. Now - where were we?'.

When I was wee, similar situations with friends and family used to get me accused of sulking. But it's not that. I can take a lot of small irritations but if something goes beyond irritation to actual annoyance which effects the relationship, I need to work through that annoyance or it will just bubble away as resentment.

That could come across to a dom/me as me being belligerent which might, in other circumstances, justify punishment. But getting punished for something that, ultimately, the dom/me did wrong might just breed resentment too. So - I can see dangers for both the sub and the dom/me playing in such a situation.

Subette

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask. - Muse, Undisclosed desires
***
Your mind is like a parachute - it works better when it is open.

Edited Sat 20 Mar 10, 12:07 PM by subette

There have been times when I have been pissed off, it does not help the scene and time we have had to give up on the scene because being pissed off affected it badly.

Like you though when I get like that, it is much easier for me to walk away and think it through, than mash it out there and then. I have a tendency to shut down if something pisses me off that much and wont open up as I should. I was fortunate that I had a Master who could read me like a book and knew the best was to deal with me. Invariably I would have my thinking time and then mail him or talk to him and he was usually right. jxx

We have played when the mood wasn't right and it actually causes more resentment and it isn't an enjoyable so in my opinion there is no point to it at all. Though I will punish regardless of what mood he is in

If something has been done by either one of us which in turn jeopardises the whole relationship I would expect that a time out is called and a conversation should be had to discuss the issues in order reach a speedy resolve... but on that point Im never wrong...

The Cruel Huntress Forum
The Cruel Huntress Yahoo

Rule 1: Mistress/Master is always right

Rule 2: If Mistress/Master is wrong, refer to rule 1.

Seriously, there's absolutely nothing wrong with apologising, making amends, giving time for the dust to settle if needed and moving on. If the sub milks it, whack 'em. Everyone's happy

You know they say it's always the quiet ones you have to watch? That's me.

Edited 20 Mar 10, 11:06 AM by Fitznicely

I think it depends a lot on your mutual dynamic. There are some people where I would push through/override their sulks, with others I'd respect them. And, I think, in any relationship, I hope I'd be able to recognise those times when it was appropriate to push through and those times it was appropriate to protect and nurture.

;; Semper in faecibus sumus, sole profundum variat.
Some of my stories are here. Others are here.

Every relationship will have its "up's and down's", they all need to be worked through and problems need to be resolved rather than ignored and "swept to one side" (sorry... lots of cliches being used here).

Unless your D/s relationship is a 24/7 one there will be vanilla times, too... I'd take some "vanilla time" and work on the relationship rather than concentrating on the D/s.

The D/s can come back into the equation when the issue/problem has been worked through.

"Truth is stranger than fiction."
Q. What are the components of a good dynamic? A. The mutual desire to share ourselves with each other. (If you don't want to share yourself with me, don't offer yourself to me.)

Being told "ok I heard you now lets move on" without any discussion or apology never helps just makes the feeling of frustration multiply, even more so when it happens again.

Sorry I can't help as I haven't yet worked this out myself but will be watching the replies here closely

xx

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.
Dalai Lama

An odd thing. On the one hand - if the problem is that you are "pissed off" as a person, a human being, rather than as a "submissive", then dealing with problem has to be in the same mind set.

Trying to deal with it in the wrong 'persona' won't do it. One may feel that one is submissive all through - but if (for instance) the issue that has caused the rift is due to something that is firmly set in his vanilla life (his ex wife, his car being written off, whatever) then trying to beat out the resentment or anger or irritation simply doesn't work.

Confusingly, something that has caused a rift in the D/s dynamic needs to be dealt with in both spheres. He once - momentarily - ignored a real NO. It took a while for the trust to be re-built, both in terms of play and in the overall relationship.

If, at the time of the row, you don't feel respect for him (as a Dom or as a human being) there is bound to be some crossover. Hence the unsuccessful play described above by others, perhaps?

dammit, life makes me so cross at times, my name should be curvy_top

Thanks for that thread, subette. I've been thinking about this a lot.

I find it incredibly hard to submit if there are problems in the relationship, if there has been a major argument recently or if there's general disagreement about something I really care about.

I very much dislike that about me as I don't only want to submit in the good, but also in the bad times. Pride doesn't allow me to do it tough and in a sense I don't even want to change that. I'm very much torn between 'He respects and understands me and might know what's best' and 'The only person who knows me and what's right for me is myself'

I would like to find a balance in the future that enables me to make my point of view very clear and be pissed off without entirely abandoning my submissive side in that moment in time.

Obviously it's possible to change between vanilla and D/s but for me being totally vanilla in a conflict seems to make it almost impossible to switch back to D/s again. If I do it feels like giving in and I really don't want to do this because I'm stubborn like that

Hab keine Angst, einen großen Schritt zu machen, wenn dies nötig ist. Ein Abgrund lässt sich nicht mit zwei kleinen Sprüngen überqueren (David Lloyd George).

This.

I'm not wired for 24/7, so there was always vanilla time in my past D/s relationships. I would always seek to work out relationship issues at a time when D/s is not on the agenda. Any other way would leave me feeling coerced and manipulated.

~Twistee~

Everything is better with a twist