Not alone ? (14)

Kes this sums up your whole life position.

You are choosing not to trust. You need to start with something very small, although it will feel big to you. Some meaningful act of trust that brings you in from the cold, brings some warmth of human contact into your life and starts an emotionally significant friendship for you, on however modest a scale.

You have an incredible act going on here. You do it largely unconsciously. You post about your feelings of isolation and because of the essentially detached, non blamey way you do it you get a lot of 'sympathy'. Actually, although genuine and well meaning, it isn't sympathy because it is from people who do not appreciate where you are or what you are doing to yourself. It is unintentional collusion and so reinforces your sense of isolation, which of course is why you do it.

You may carry on like that (and carry on with these posts) for the next twenty years or you may act to get some real connection into your life. That will take trust and you will find extremely frightening.

My advice would be: stop posting like this, stop playing and start an emotionally significant, non sexual relationship with a man or a woman. That will be a frightening and a new experience for you. Choose carefully and don't set up failure with your choice.

All this will feel uncertain, unclear and wobbly. That will be a sign of how new and radical a departure it is for you.

You have your carreer, your home and your finances sorted. You now need to put your emotional life into pole position and carefully, deliberately and self consciously see what you can achieve for yourself in that part of your life.

Go back and read the quote at the head of my post: never has a personal emotional truth been more succinctly offered to someone on IC. It is no good debating it in your head. You can do that effortlessly for the rest of your life. It will change nothing. Are you going to risk trusting someone with friendship?