Posted by kesriel on Mon 15 Mar 10, 9:45 AM to kesriel's blog.
i do not believe that i am alone in this….but, at the time, that is exactly what it feels like.
Intense play over a long period of time…..over hours….six or seven, or maybe more, where from the beginning i am spaced deeply, where only gradually and for short periods of time i can even begin to emerge from that space to some sort of place that resembles clear thinking, before being plunged back into that overwhelming sensation overload of space where peripheral vision is non-existent, where vocal communication is impossible and where every touch - whether slicing whip inflicted pain or the merest pressure of fingertips against skin – is magnified to an intensity that screams within my mind, where the only physical closeness is to feel a Friends hug before being sent out blinking against the day-light with the lost confusion of an abandoned child….
Functioning enough on automatic pilot in a sleepless daze to reach the sanctuary of home….to sleep, dreamlessly…..then to finally awaken to this unfed hunger, this tearless weeping, to that gut-wrenching need to feel the reassurance of arms holding me and telling me it's going to be okay.
This is not a sadness, not a “dropping” from that heightened self-inflicted sensitivity of physical movement and the welcome deadening of numbing self-loathing that the endorphin high of space can bring me….this is simply the overwhelming questions that crowd my mind, all asking the same thing…..what is my reality?
There is no sadness, there is no anger or injustice…..just a feeling of loss, of dis-connection, of belonging no-where. The descendance of a warm blanket of calm over weeping raw emotions.
It is not that i feel alone….only that i feel an unbreachable distance between myself and the rest of the world. Not a loneliness, just an awareness of my own solitude.
Without my Friends the only reality i have would be unbearable. Perhaps that is what Friends are for, to connect us, to bring us back from that wasteland, to collect us within the emotional strength of Their arms, hold us close to Their heartbeat, and tell us ALL that it's going to be okay…..and within the beats of shared heartbeats, we can allow ourselves to believe Them.
Maybe...to answer the eternal question of "Why are we here"?....It is simply to be here for each other....
Take care of each other....and allow others to take care of you....
with love...
kes...xxx
| 15 Mar 10, 10:04 AM The_Colonel_Whatwhat 3 yrs  |
Very good advice. For that you have to trust others. That's the tricky bit I came, I saw, I concurred | ||
| 15 Mar 10, 10:08 AM Relaxed_and_Chaotic UK(SE), 3 yrs  |
kes i recognise this...... disconnection, separation from others.....an inability to be in the world with the rest of humanity... as though you are walking in some kind of bubble, communication with other people impossible. To be honest i have worried other mums waiting outside school...so much so that my spaced out expression one day has resulted one of them to avoid me in the playground...think i must have looked drugged and my complete lack of ability to string two words together may not have helped... Haven't played so close to school pick up time since lol! But what it is..... is powerful, scary and at the same time very beautiful... x
"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master." D. H. Lawrence | ||
| 15 Mar 10, 10:32 AM x_Thunder_x UK(E), 9 yrs    |
Hugs, just hugs xxx ^Thunder^ | ||
| 15 Mar 10, 11:19 AM Volcanic_Sparks UK(SS), 6 yrs |
Big hugs you gorgeous woman xxxx I'm not cruel........ My kindness is just VERY misunderstood !!! | ||
| 15 Mar 10, 11:41 AM Stillyet UK(DG), 2 yrs |
Like Thunder says, {{{hugs}}}. What you write speaks very forcibly to me - it reminds me strongly and uncomfortably of my own (now thankfully distant) experience of mental illness. You're not alone. Others of us have experienced that sense of profound anomie, that isolated unreachableness. So, once again, {{{hugs}}}. ;; Semper in faecibus sumus, sole profundum variat. | ||
| 15 Mar 10, 12:24 PM Caracal UK(SS), 5 yrs     |
kesriel, you're not alone but having some solo time after the intensity of the session. Your brain is assimilating what happened and withdrawing slightly. Eat properly, rest as much as you can, drink loads of water and be gentle on yourself. Oh, and you exquisite bundle of womanliness, have another hug from me. The nice lady with the whip. Edited 15 Mar 10, 12:26 PM by Caracal | ||
| 15 Mar 10, 12:29 PM WaterDragon UK(LN), 6 yrs |
OH Kess, Many of us feel that disconnection, the desolation, the aloneness, and you are right we reconnect through the company of frends and the affection they have for us. Hugs, Irene.
Yet Dom as I am _
Still I crave the wind from your sub wings | ||
| 15 Mar 10, 2:05 PM stormywaters PT, 4 yrs |
Kes this sums up your whole life position. You are choosing not to trust. You need to start with something very small, although it will feel big to you. Some meaningful act of trust that brings you in from the cold, brings some warmth of human contact into your life and starts an emotionally significant friendship for you, on however modest a scale. You have an incredible act going on here. You do it largely unconsciously. You post about your feelings of isolation and because of the essentially detached, non blamey way you do it you get a lot of 'sympathy'. Actually, although genuine and well meaning, it isn't sympathy because it is from people who do not appreciate where you are or what you are doing to yourself. It is unintentional collusion and so reinforces your sense of isolation, which of course is why you do it. You may carry on like that (and carry on with these posts) for the next twenty years or you may act to get some real connection into your life. That will take trust and you will find extremely frightening. My advice would be: stop posting like this, stop playing and start an emotionally significant, non sexual relationship with a man or a woman. That will be a frightening and a new experience for you. Choose carefully and don't set up failure with your choice. All this will feel uncertain, unclear and wobbly. That will be a sign of how new and radical a departure it is for you. You have your carreer, your home and your finances sorted. You now need to put your emotional life into pole position and carefully, deliberately and self consciously see what you can achieve for yourself in that part of your life. Go back and read the quote at the head of my post: never has a personal emotional truth been more succinctly offered to someone on IC. It is no good debating it in your head. You can do that effortlessly for the rest of your life. It will change nothing. Are you going to risk trusting someone with friendship? My object all sublime... | ||
| 15 Mar 10, 3:52 PM rebel_angel UK(RM), 4 yrs   |
You have some valid points but just because she is posting her feelings does not mean she isn't trying. Small steps is what is needed here, not a relationship, not doing anything to scare Kes. She knows she has her friends for support. She knows she is doing her best, and she knows things will get better. But we all at some point in our lives have felt that isolation feeling. Hell I've had it in a room filled with my friends! We need to remember this is just a blog, not a chance to get sympathy, anyone who knows Kes will know this... This is just her way of releasing emotion that she may only feel today, but may be better tomorrow. If anything it is like any blog on here... Life is a game, it just depends how you play it. | ||
| 15 Mar 10, 5:04 PM Scribbles UK(RH), 4 yrs |
I think it's important also to have friends away from kink, or kinky friends with whom you do other things too. A fairly long play session outside of a Relationship (I won't call it casual) can be amazing, and powerful, and deeply affecting. I think deep experiences like this are best supported also by a few other satisfying and sustaining projects or involvements. A balanced portfolio  |
