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| LittleMissEvil |
Things have been interesting of late, my mood has been a bit all over the place and I have been to some very dark places as a result of it. Now in the most part it has settled down and things are progressing nicely.
Well anyhow yesterday and today in criminal law at university the topic of rape and consent was the focus of the lectures, and they will be next Monday and Tuesday as well, I have known for the entire year that these would be coming up and thought I was ready for them, I thought I had dealt with that part of my life and I was ready to get a grip on it.
Well Sunday night I started to get anxious about it, and was thinking about skipping it. I have the tutor on my facebook who was giving the lecture on it and when I told her of what had happened she said she would understand if I missed them. But I decided I would be brave and go in to them and deal with it.
Its one thing I have never found hard to do is to talk to people about what happened, though not all the details as that is just something I don't want to tell people about, and it's not something that has ever caused an emotional reaction.
Well Monday came and it started, going over the old 1956 law and the problems faced, and dealing with the black letter law I had no issues it didn't really have any reaction positive or negative. Then it hit me; on one of the slides were the words of a woman who explained what it all felt like to go to court and give evidence
| It was horrible. It's like you are up there on stage. I am very shy and sitting there and having to talk about that, with everyone staring at you, it's vile. I wanted the ground to open up. I had to look at his face. It was horrible having to be in the same room as him … He had everything on his side; it was like rubbing salt in your wounds. It was like a nightmare |
Looking up at those words and hearing them read out just hit me for six, I felt physically sick. Thankfully the lecture ended shortly after that and I could go outside and get some fresh air, the tutor came outside after to ask me if I was ok which I said I was as I don't like people worrying about me like that. But all I wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed and cry, but I forced myself through the rest of the day before coming home.
Now you would have thought I would have learnt from that not to go to today's lecture on it, but I didn't luckily I didn't feel as bad as I did yesterday. But its put me in a very odd place emotionally.
I thought I had dealt with this, I thought I would be fine with it all. Yet now all this time since it happened and the court case being over I thought that I should be fine with it all. Yet obviously I am not why can't it just all go away and leave me alone. Its so unfair how the actions of one person can have such a negative affect on you're life for such a long time, I never thought I could hate someone as its such a strong emotion, but I really do hate the bastard for making me feel like this.
| 10 Mar 10, 9:42 AM FairyGirl UK(YO), 2 yrs   |
Human emotions are funny things  Hugs. "Nothing saves anyone's life, Sir. It just postpones their death." - Posner , The History Boys. |
| 11 Mar 10, 9:39 AM Clawdia UK(CR), 6 yrs  |
It may never go away, but it sounds like you're doing a pretty amazing job at handling it - despite not feeling that way right now...! Some things haunt you forever and will always be in the back of your mind, but they dont have to affect you forever... All the best xxx "...They say that life is tit for tat, and thats the way I live. So I deserve a lot of tat for what I've got to give..." -Chicago- |
