This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| 9 Mar 10, 5:33 PM subette 2 yrs |
Looking back at my OP I would be really interested to know how many of those 32 rules were in place from the word go (i.e. when you actually met your subs) and how many developed over time. It would also be interesting to know how many of these relate directly to how the sub interacts with you and how many affect your subs in wider life? And have you found much difficulty implementing so many rules? Subette I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask. - Muse, Undisclosed desires | |
| 9 Mar 10, 5:34 PM purple_mog UK(YO), 2 yrs  |
I'm fascinated by these discussions - so thank you to the OP who initiated it and those who have contributed  I'm going to try and answer, though my perspective is based on limited experience and perhaps a slightly different dynamic from a 'standard' D/s (if there even is such a thing!). Although I am in a relatively new relationship, I could count on one hand the actual rules that we have agreed, and we do agree on them. There have been no conversations about contract/type of control, 24/7 or not etc because it simply hasn't come up. He makes his preferences perfectly clear (which I appreciate) and I generally already want or am already doing such things, or feel like I would quite like to try whatever it is. There are requests rather than demands, but of course I comply - thats exactly what I adore doing! So, for example, I take more care of my appearance and wear clothes that show of my legs and reduced waist, partly because it pleases him, and because I really want to be complimented! I ask to remove my shoes (not a rule as such but it was suggested) when I'm wearing heels, and ask to be released from cuffs or ties when I wake in the morning. Oddly enough I also ask if I can get out of bed or go to the bathroom - though I now realise I have always sort of done this by saying in a jokey way "is it ok if I go to the bathroom and come right back?". Its rather lovely to have someone listen and answer that question! Oh - one small rule is no talking while gagged - apparently its just annoying, which seems reasonable and I have a pencil and notepad in most rooms now so I can be gagged more often (I really like the feeling). We were over visiting some friends (kink) and I was sitting on the carpet eating as is usual when I was asked if I wanted a chair or if I needed to sit there - and I had to explain that I wasn't doing it because I had to, but because I have always preferred sitting on the floor! I don't do things because I have to, but because I want to :D Frankly for me that means I sometimes wonder if I'm getting a much better deal out of this whole relationship thang! That which yields, is not always weak. — Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart) | |
| 9 Mar 10, 5:41 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs       |
Our most difficult one has been this: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/259606/ Within it, she has never been set up to fail - and rarely punished: encouragement and praise is as much, possibly more, important than punishment anyway. For me, the point of rules is to create an altered normality where my girl fully realises she has taken the decision not to be her own person anymore (0f course, because that is what she wants). Patience is bitter - but its fruit is sweet. | |
| 9 Mar 10, 5:46 PM Grasshopper UK(SE), 2 yrs |
I've only skimmed the thread so far, but I guess I'm not the only one who thinks the idea of applying a blanket set of rules to a sub is a bad thing. Unless you were really content with only covering the broadest of strokes, it seems like the chances of you ending up with a resentful sub are rather high, no? | |
| 9 Mar 10, 5:50 PM subette 2 yrs |
Oooo - tough one! Subette I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask. - Muse, Undisclosed desires | |
| 9 Mar 10, 5:51 PM Mistress_Susannah UK(SE), 7 yrs £ |
Yes. I have quite a few rules when out of scene. The majority are "submissive dependent" (based on the individual) and tend to be instinctive rather than things I've pre planned. They are right for us at the time and often change week to week depending on his development and exactly what I want from him. I don't think "set" rules for submissives are always going to be a bad thing. There are certain forms of ettiquette that are important to me as a Dominant. But if they're unbending for the individual and make no sense within the context of the relationship, they're better off binned rather than me just doing it for control's sake!
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| 9 Mar 10, 5:55 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs |
I think there are as many ways of doing this as there are D/s couples - and every way is right (for that couple). So, no offence taken, I hope, by my post? What I would say, as further explanation, is that I applaud what you have said above about the empowerment your relationship has achieved for you - and hope that my approach achieves the same for my partner - the whole point about what we do is surely to make both feel the absolute best they can be. You said: "And maybe because he IS happy with me the way I am. Possibly also because he respects me as a sensible adult able to control my own life, and he really doesn't want to be with someone who'd need that much direction. " I'd wholeheartedly agree with this - I am not a micromanager and don't expect my girl to need direction - I expect us to agree what shall be achieved and then for her to stride out in that direction with positivity and enthusiasm (and then to surprise me). For the avoidance of doubt, the sun shines out of c_b's television set - I adore her absolutely as she is - but I won't ever stop changing her. Little by little - bit by bit. Best to you. Patience is bitter - but its fruit is sweet. | |
| 9 Mar 10, 6:10 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs |
Absolutely agree. Everyone is different and the rules should differ in order to bring out the best in each. I would hate to cause resentment - but I would aim to create 24/7 "erotic discomfort, in order to focus her on me (and - just as intensely - me on her). So, If Miss S was a lady, then pushing her comfort zone slowly (very, very slowly - the boiling frog principle) in the direction of sluttiness might (emphasise 'might') be an appropriate tactic. The other big sin (I have certainly been guilty) is that of inconsistency. A rule is only a rule if it is always in place and if the standards of enforcement remain the same. Best to you. Patience is bitter - but its fruit is sweet. | |
| 9 Mar 10, 6:15 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs |
Hmm - well, not sure she finds it easy, but we do enjoy pleasing eachother.
I get my life changed too For me, changing someone makes the domination real. Most of the things i change are, I think, welcomed in the context of our dynamic. Some are not - but are accepted because they please me. And, she wants to please me. ETA - this possibly best put's c_b's perspective on this: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/263685/2/...
Patience is bitter - but its fruit is sweet. Edited 9 Mar 10, 6:24 PM by Belasarius | |
| 9 Mar 10, 6:25 PM Mistress_Avralivia UK(RG), 4 yrs £ |
Everyone is different so having all the same rules for everyone would never work. However having things that are real deal-breakers if they can't/won't do them is reasonable, and having standards you expect people to meet generally.
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” |
