dangling the carrot (17)

Kink doesn't have to be the first common denominator, just the easiest one.

Look, I'm no pro at finding, or keeping relationships. But I'm in a fantastic one now and I can tell you the difference between this one and the ones that went before.

We met on a kink site (this one) but the connection we felt was because of our vanilla parity. We're not as perfectly aligned, kinkwise. But we do both understand the other's kink and we were both willing to adjust and readjust until we attained the right overlap. (I need Altissimus to show up with a Venn diagram.) My point is that you can embrace your kink without marrying every specific aspect of it.

To be frank, when I went out looking for men who could ooze their way into filling each and every one of my kink tick boxes it always turned out that was because they were slime. Don't look for perfection. Look for someone who is willing to do the work of loving you just the way you are.

love the brave but avoid cowards, knowing the gratitude of cowards is small ~Praxilla of Sicyon

I can empathise with you. Insomuch as finding someone who is tuned into you and your wants and needs is difficult enough, without adding 'Oh by the way, I like whipping/being whipped, etc' into the mix.

I don't think there is any easy answer; is there no way of you giving her a ring and going out for a drink/walk/drive? Is all communication off limits now, as she sees it as a bridge too far that will sooner or later be dropped into the road?

I have been in long term relationships in the past, and at that time there was no mention or inclination from either them or me for BDSM..I knew nothing about it, nor wanted to. Time moves on and each day I'm thankful I've met and have the privilege of knowing the wonderful lady I'm with now.

This isn't about anyone but you though, and I sincerely hope that your obvious hurt and grief passes, hopefully with a reconciliation with the lady in your thoughts. If not then you will come across, often in the most inocuous circumstances your 'other half'... Please feel free to memo if needed.

Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great Calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind. Aristotle

Now I must admit that suddenly I am thinking "well that's a bit narrow isn't it, why can't people look beyond their own religion and/or culture" but on the other hand, I can see how this is a necessary in how in (probably) the same respect, I really reeeeeeally would prefer to be with someone who understood me as a submissive because it's nto all of who I am but it's a fairly sizable part in terms of how I'd like to be able to click with someone

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

I usually have more trouble finding a woman in the first place than maintaining a relationship. Maybe I am too cautious? I was married for 15 years and we knew each other for over 7 years before that and are still friends after the divorce.

In previous relationships I continued to be friends long after we had split up too.

It has taken longer since my divorce for two main reasons. The first is that I have very little money at present but am hoping that will change.

Secondly, for the first time I am looking to find someone sexually compatible up front so to speak although I have always compromised in the past.

I am not a fatalist so maybe that's why I get frustrated at times.

'Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather' - Velvet Underground

Voodoogirl - from corresponding with both of you, you have a similar sense of humour. Don't make it so difficult - relax and enjoy - he's a silly fellow!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. Bloody Satnav
A strictly mathematic god marks out the universe with rule and line, but I, myself, am bloody odd and cannot fit to His design. (std disclaimer)

I'm sorry to hear that. I know it's scant consolation, but at least it didn't get dragged out for any longer than it actually did.

Only you know how important your kink is to you, but from what you've said, it seems like it's pretty important. That being the case, unless you want a repeat of last time, I think you're probably best off looking for a partner within the kink community, or at least being very up-front about your kink on a vanilla dating site, so that hopefully the only people who will audition will be 100% kink-friendly.

As others have said, there are plenty more candidates for the casting couch, but you just need to be doubly careful that you only pick the ones who display that certain 'X-factor'.

"Never do today what you can do tomorrow"

Hey there

It's good to hear you're still friends with people you split up with. I'm not going to comment on your life as obviously that's personal to you, but when things like that happen to me (them being friends after) I see it as a sign that they're meant to be in my life but not as a partner. Because life is cruel at times unfortunately that is learnt the hard way.

Why do you think money is an obstacle for finding someone? I realise that's a personal question so I'll understand if you don't want to answer it, it's just personally I've never found it to get in the way. Obviously it can make certain things difficult and it can be a struggle at times (we're poor too) but if it's one of the things you lay out when meeting someone, if it's an issue for them then you have to decide if that's someone you want to be with.

Personally I wouldn't want to date someone that put such weight on money. I knew that my partner wasn't well off at all before we got together -- I knew I'd have to sacrifice things and miss out on stuff but it doesn't matter. I don't agree when people say money can't buy happiness because for me, it can. But I do agree when people say that it can't buy you love, you just have to weigh up the situation. I'm not saying be miserable and be with the one you love but I am saying can you do without certain things and still be happy with the one you love. It all depends on the values you have and the values you want someone to have IMHO.

As for the second one, I think that's good. I don't think you should compromise with things like that all. I think there should be compromises with some factors of course, I think it's impossible to find someone that you don't have to compromise with.(not saying it is but I personally think it's impossible) But I've found there are things that you just can't compromise with, I really thought about those things before looking for someone and those are the things I make clear to start with so that there is no confusion.

Obviously it isn't that simple, if you find someone you love that has certain deal breakers it's not as simple. But personally I think in situations like that, love isn't always enough. If you have to compromise on the things that make you as a person, then I think you have to find someone to love that loves you for you and not what you are for them.

God, sorry I'm going on again. I think it's really great that you're deciding not to compromise on the things that make you, you, and I wish you the best of luck in your search.

I know how frustrating it can be and I hope it gets better for you. Personally I would keep 'gently looking' - getting yourself out there to socialise so that you may find the person by accident one day, but not completely relying on chance and also no trying too hard to find them. (I'm sure you know all that and sorry if I sound a bit preachy, please take it with a pinch of salt)

Best to you

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