dangling the carrot (17)

SinPar

-- The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone's concern, and like vampires they suck our life's blood. (Bette Davis)

Almost impossible except for the lucky few

'Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather' - Velvet Underground

It's a cliche, but there really are plenty more fish...

Were the stories she told you about ACTUALLY about BDSM, or was she looking at things like Josef Fritzel, Max Moseley and any reports of crimes that included tying the victim up? Grossly unfair, but surely that's the public's perception of BDSM.

You know they say it's always the quiet ones you have to watch? That's me.

This sounds like a classic case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Maybe when things calm down you could talk to her about this?

If not, remember that you were open and authentic and did your best. You were true to yourself in this relationship and you can be again. Grieve, then let yourself heal. The next time, you'll look a little harder for someone who really gets you.

love the brave but avoid cowards, knowing the gratitude of cowards is small ~Praxilla of Sicyon

It takes far, far more than luck in any dose to sustain a relationship of any kind, or at least in my experience and through others that I've seen anyway.

The only way that I've found luck to play a part in relationships is finding the person in the first place, and even then I've found it's only to do with how easy or difficult it has been in finding them.

Of course there are other ways that luck can come in useful, but as far as 'ingredients' for a relationship go, I certainly think it's an optional one and a light spice at best. (IMO)

Threads are like skirts. They should be long enough to cover the interesting details, but short enough to keep things interesting.

Edited 9 Mar 10, 2:39 PM by Snowpard

I KNOW that I need bdsm in my life and one of my biggest concerns about attempting to widen my potential dating circle would be that "what would be the point in getting involved with someone, being honest from day one about my submissive side and then the relationship ending on account of that": like to me, dating anyone who doesn't have an interest in bdsm from the outset, I fear would be futile (I'm open to being prooved wrong but the thing is, I want someone who WANTS to be sadistic just because and not for the only sake that "I do it because my girlfriend likes it". I don't want to feel that I'm being humoured in such a way at best.

I would say stick to your bdsmlyness and date those who are into it but based on a number of fucked up past experience, I don't know if that's a good answer.

I shall follow this thread with interest!

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

I wonder which is hardest (or not): finding someone or keeping someone.

Like we hear all these posts about finding someone because people can talk about that when they only have to answer to themselves.

But I've just thought, maybe when people find someone, they struggle to keep them but it's not discussed that much because it's hardly the sort of thing that people would want to broadcast.

Hmmm, I suppose I'm just asking myself if it's a case of me thinking the grass is greener when perhaps it might not be

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

It is something I've thought about from time to time but have never really discussed it with anyone, so sorry if my communication is a little rusty!

I think it's down to how you look at it. It would be easy for me to type 'I feel that it's easier to do this, than this' but in what context?

For example, I nearly typed (to start with) that I think it's easier to find someone than it is to keep them. But it's not enough to say that on its own because of the values which I hold to those situations.

For example, I find it easier to find someone because I'm a believer in fate and therefore I think that if you are meant to find people then eventually you will. So, the search itself could be difficult as it can get frustrating, but also you can't just lie back and let fate 'happen' either so that can also be difficult, depending on your situation.

As for keeping someone, I see it more as maintaining a relationship with the other person rather than keeping the other in the relationship. I think it's more difficult to do that as there are so many more variables, complicated ones at that, and because depending on your situation it can be a lifetime of maintaining (probably not the most romantic word I could have used but all the other words sounded worse!)

So that's why I think luck plays a small part in it but can play a big part in the balance. For example, I believe in fate so believe that if you're meant to find someone, you will. Provided you put the work into looking for them, sometimes luck can be the thing that could shorten/ease that search in how events play out. But that doesn't mean you can lean on luck or fate. So say you found your partner really easily, but had a lot of obstacles in the relationship that made it difficult to maintain -- in that case I'd say it was easier finding that particular person than maintaining a relationship with that person (and vice versa).

I think what I'm trying to say is that when I said it's easier to find someone than maintain a relationship I used it as a very general term.

It wasn't very difficult for me to find my partner, but it was difficult to maintain the long distance relationship due to obstacles. When I finally came to live with him, it felt all the more rewarding. And we still have obstacles, overcoming them makes us stronger I feel.

So although I find maintaining the relationship more difficult than finding him, it doesn't make it a bad relationship, or a problematic one -- it's something to work on together. And when it's working like that, it doesn't feel like maintenance and just 'living'

Both take work and neither rely on one factor.

I'm going to wrap it up there as I'm not really sure where I'm going with this! I think I wanted to reply mainly because it can grate a little when I keep hearing people say 'wow, you're so lucky' as though it's the only factor when it absolutely isn't. (This isn't directed at any one person, just ot clarify!)

Threads are like skirts. They should be long enough to cover the interesting details, but short enough to keep things interesting.

Exactly. Kink is important for me but I like to get to know a person first to see if they are compatible, and then break the kink question later when the basic stuff is out of the way.

I find it works best that way because if it turns out that they aren't into what you're in to, at that point it's easy to say thanks but no thanks and generally you have nothing to lose. Sometimes even gain a friend in doing so because you still have plenty in common.

I don't think you're fucked up, but it does sound like you're hurting and I'm not surprised. Give it time, it's good that you're discussing the issue and that you feel better for doing so. You'll come away a stronger person, just try not to see yourself as a fucked up person, just that you feel fucked up at the moment and that you can overcome it.

Threads are like skirts. They should be long enough to cover the interesting details, but short enough to keep things interesting.

Edited 9 Mar 10, 6:34 PM by Snowpard