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Hate: What drives a masochist? (41)

This post is on the Other BDSM web board.

9 Mar 10, 11:41 AM
Cassius
UK, 3 yrs

tazallie wrote:
I can't give an explanation as to why I enjoy pain but I do know it isn't because of any self hatred or loathing.

I like me, all of me, even the bits I would like to change. They are all what make me who I am.

I can say that I love the way pain feels, the way the rest of the world disappears, the only focus I have is the sensation as the pain radiates out, how my focus is shifted to my Master, how I push myself to take more, how I slip into subspace when the endorphins reach the right level, how my Master derives pleasure from giving me delicious pain, how he cares for me afterwards.

As to why pain gives me all of those wonderful feelings and sensations, I really don't know. Perhaps I'm wired to enjoy pain, perhaps Its because I have always lived with near constant pain of one level or another due to illnesses and issues all my life.

All I know is it's part of me and I love it.

My yin to the yan above...... I render her erotic pain because I know it is not going to hurt her;also my rendering excites me sexually and psychologically as a free-standing emotion,and the concepts are woven together as one joint experience. No hate at all, just fulfilment for both. I only deliberately set out to hurt her as a punishment, which is rare,and in only one(traditional)fashion.. This she hates,but truly and submissively accepts,and approves,as can be judged by physical emanations, and although the sensations are physically kin,the atmospheres in which they are accomplished are wholly different.On completion of the punishment,the aftercare is very close. In punishing it is more attached to the Ds dynamic than anything.It is the mindset that differentiates between pain and hurt,from and to us both. Detaching the emotional attachment I have with her, I have given pain to others before we met, and although I took pleasure in rendering it, it was nowhere as deep as that within the relationship.

Practise senseless acts of beauty.

Edited 9 Mar 10, 12:04 PM by Cassius

9 Mar 10, 4:41 PM
penwiggle
UK(CB), 5 yrs

Praxilla wrote:
There is no part of my body that I hate. Even though it's a short body, a fat one and more every day, an aging one, I don't hate it.

I love being a wanton woman. I love how full and heavy and sensitive my breasts are. I love the tender, burning ache when my nipples are fully engorged. I love the way my ass moves and how amazingly sensitive my thighs and back are. I love every ridge, hollow and contour of my cunt and the defiant chagrin of how it feels to be powerless to control how wet I get. Maybe that's exorbitant self-love, but the point to all of that is that I also love the way the pain and pleasure receptors work.

When I'm being hurt, with every burst of pain there is also a sharply delicious sense of pleasure. As the pain increases and my flesh becomes more tender, more raw and sensitive, there's something in me that focuses down on every sensation, leaps upon it and rides it to the crest. Even when the physiological sense of pleasure abandons the scene, my brain is responding with all the glee and self-satisfaction of a cowgirl riding a bunking bronco and staying on it again and again and again. There's no shame, only pride and lust.

Long after the lust is satiated, I love how every welt and stripe and bruise carries not only the imprinted memory of riding the wild pain, but also remembers every tender, rewarding caress that followed it.

Edited because my keyboard as a mind of its own.

I have been an atheist almost as long as I've been alive, so if I'm also pain's novitiate, I come to the altar to drink in rapture not abomination.

WOW! You worded that amazingly!! Thank you. It was a pleasure to read.

You say Ouch like it's a bad word.

9 Mar 10, 4:44 PM
penwiggle
UK(CB), 5 yrs

Praxilla wrote:
Oh - back to say:

When I'm being a sadist, I love three things.

First, I love it if I can make them feel the way I feel when I'm being hurt. The lush agony of fear, the sharp embrace of pain, the self absorption of bearing, the absolution of relinquishment, the ardency of giving and the adulation of reward.

Second, agony tastes like summer rain.

Third, I don't think there's anything as intimate and tender as holding someone in your arms after they've suffered for you. Unless it's them holding you.

I couldn't agree more. Although, I've not ever had someone 'suffer for me'. I'm not a sadist in the purist form of the word. I will play with pain and sensation, but to my subs enjoyment. But, I do know the joy of suffering for another.

You say Ouch like it's a bad word.

9 Mar 10, 4:49 PM
penwiggle
UK(CB), 5 yrs

Stillyet wrote:

penwiggle wrote:
2. If you're a Sadist, what is it about hurting someone else that you love? Do you ever hate yourself, or feel guilty, for hurting someone? Is there a monster inside you that you are trying to tame or control through sadism?

H'mmmm!

OK, from the top: no, I don't hate myself. On the whole I like myself. Sadism is part of who I am, and it's a part I'm not completely comfortable with. But I acknowledge it is part of who I am, and I still like myself.

I'm a damaged person; I survived a great deal of childhood trauma, and I am aware that the emotional scarring of that has left me in some ways less of a person than I might have been. I think if I had not gone through my childhood experiences I would probably be a much more straightforward alpha male. On the other hand I would probably be less sensitive and empathetic, and I think those are good things to be.

It would be easy to claim that my sadism is a consequence of childhood damage. I'm not sure I believe that. My earliest sadistic fantasies go a very long way back - not, for certain, to before the start of my childhood trauma, but certainly a long way before the climax of it.

Some feminists claim that all men are potential rapists; I don't know about that but I do know that I have it in me to be both a rapist and a torturer. In fact, the fact that I am sensitive and empathetic has the potential to make me a more effective, more dangerous rapist or torturer than a less thoughtful and imaginative person would be.

It does trouble me that I like hurting people, and I do find it hard to come to terms with. The failure of a relationship with a sub/masochist partner fifteen years ago took me into a nervous breakdown, because I couldn't then cope with my part in some of our interactions. I've learned from that experience, and there are things I would not do again.

But I will express some degree of sadism in my next relationship; I will only form another relationship with someone who welcomes it. I've tried - very hard - to have a vanilla relationship, and for me it just does not work.

Hi,

Thank you for sharing from such a deep recess of your heart. I was very touched by it.

I have always wondered about the thin line between sadism and abuse, although the line might not be thin for some. I think a similar line could be drawn between rape and sex. Also between someone who drinks and also drives a car vs someone who drinks THEN drives a car. But all that is for another thread.

Thank you again for the insight.

xx Pen

You say Ouch like it's a bad word.

9 Mar 10, 5:03 PM
penwiggle
UK(CB), 5 yrs

Thank you everyone for your posts, I'm glad you are enjoying the thread. Me too.

Or at least what of it I'm able to read. I'm actually craving pain so much at the moment it is hard to concentrate. So I shall be reading your comments in small chunks and replying when I can.

I would like to say that 'hate' is not the sole driving force in my love for pain. Several people, or at least one (sorry, concentration going already) have mentioned other things too - the closeness, the pleasure, control, bondage, power-exchange, subspace... all these and more are also reasons I love pain.

I also love myself for loving pain. I love that I'm a bit of a pain slut and can take a lot. I love pushing my boundaries, and that of the sadist I'm playing with. I love floating and cuddling afterwards. I love the closeness it brings between two people.

But I also love the conflict. The battle I have with myself to take more. The fear, the anxiety, the longing.

Possibly the only things I really dislike about it are subdrop and not getting it enough. Like now. I need it now, but can't get it. Not the way I need it anyway.

I hope some of this makes sense. I can't really tell today.

Pen

You say Ouch like it's a bad word.

9 Mar 10, 5:33 PM
valiant1
UK(ST), 7 yrs

As an atheist, religious aspects don't directly influence my feelings and attitudes to BDSM, except from their influence on society and culture at large.

I had a supportive childhood, am reasonably happy "in my skin", have never hated myself or wished to self harm. I have however, always been fascinated by gender roles, control, authority and submission, and it was this that brought me to BDSM. I was originally interested in the eroticism of submission, and accepted pain as a method of demonstrating my submission. I then learnt from experience not only can I find the submission erotic but that I can get a considerable physical buzz from the pain (presumably from endorphin release etc). Equally, having experienced these sensations, I can enjoy the eroticism of inflicting them on others. I imagine it's the chemicals released in the bloodstream, and the learnt associations of punishment and reward that bring us back here.

9 Mar 10, 5:42 PM
purple_mog
UK(YO), 2 yrs

Praxilla wrote:
if I'm also pain's novitiate, I come to the altar to drink in rapture not abomination.

oh my - how beautifully expressed. I love reading your writing!

Back to the questions themselves (thanks Pen for a wonderful thoughtful thread), I'm not sure where my sadism/masochism tendencies came from - but I clearly remember from a *very* early age that my fantasies when touching myself often involved violence - receiving or giving. And I mean from the age of 6years or so.

I have indulged in self-hatred to a rather deep extent but only minor physical self-harming, yet this has never felt related to my other experiences of pain? Most of my self-harm if you can describe it that way, has been emotional, and emotional play does nothing but scare me now?

I adore the sensations when receiving - not just because it pleases the giver though I'm not sure how much of that I can separate out! As for giving - I feel as though I work very hard to be kind, generous and tolerant in my everyday life, so there is something decadent about being partially freed to cause pain and enjoy the reactions...

Not sure I've actually answered the question - but thank you for making me think about it!

That which yields, is not always weak. � Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart)

9 Mar 10, 6:03 PM
penwiggle
UK(CB), 5 yrs

purple_mog wrote:
....

- I feel as though I work very hard to be kind, generous and tolerant in my everyday life, so there is something decadent about being partially freed to cause pain and enjoy the reactions...

Not sure I've actually answered the question - but thank you for making me think about it!

Isn't it amazing how freeing BDSM is? And let's not just limit it to kink, but in embracing your sexuality and desires in a SSC atmosphere.

If you share my general view of organised religion, it is all about control. Control what people do, what they think, what they eat, how they have sex. Now, I'm not implying all of that is or was bad at one point or another in human history. But in my experience (and I stress IN MY EXPERIENCE) religion is not about freeing an individual, but rather controlling them.

And if sexuality and our fleshly desires free us from the inhibitions of society, then it makes sense that organised religion is generally against that.

Sorry, I don't mean to steer this thread down a rant on religion. But my early years were largely formed by it. It has severally impacted my life, and influences me even now, even as an atheist.

Accepting myself as a transsexual in my late 20s, and then accepting my sexuality, my kinky desires, my love for bondage and pain - for me is all about being free. About breaking the bonds that religion once held over me. So perhaps that is the demon I fight against when I play.

Thanks Mog for your input

Penwiggle

You say Ouch like it's a bad word.

9 Mar 10, 7:40 PM
OrionAndi
2 yrs

(From Orion)

It's hard to answer your questions without penning a novel. Being the Dom, I get a thrill from the way Andromeda winces and moans when in pain. It's also a kind of self-test so that while I act like an utter bastard during the scene I'd never really hurt her. 'Cos I love her. Discipline is one thing, SELF-discipline is paramount.

Funnily enough, she spanked my arse today and actually I loved it for two reasons: The sensations of caresses afterwards where amazing, but more importantly she's exploring a side of herself that she's never been able to before and it makes me feel honoured that she has the trust in me to go to these new heights.

I don't feel guilty about "torturing" her since it's a mutual thrill and as I said I'd never *hurt* her (if you get what I mean).

9 Mar 10, 9:24 PM
dangerousdonkey
2 yrs

Such a great thread penwiggle.

I guess sometimes I hate my sex drive for making me like this but generally I love being different!

I guess the hate I feel when being given pain is for letting this happen to me. Funny how I never turn this into hate for my Dom for doing it to me.

I like the intimacy of the pain, feeling His presence so strongly, the closeness afterwards, the excitement he gets, the pace of it all, the places I go to, the edges I feel, my increased breathing, the tears he ignores, me pushing myself, the bruises afterwards

Crass to say it but it something about being more alive, more connected to someone, close enough to let them hurt you.

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