This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Sun 7 Mar 10, 11:55 AM ukreva UK(PL), 2 yrs |
I was just speaking with my dominant partner and was discussing the fact that he had been a lot more reserved lately. He explained that I had been asking for affection and verbal reassurance a lot (we are temporarily long distance) and he is trying to teach me that whether I get these things or not is in his control, that it is okay to ask but that I might not always get. It isn't that I won't get affection or that he has stopped loving me but that nothing has changed and that he is the one who has control of these things, not me. My job isn't to worry about how things are going but to do what I am told. The hope is that this process will teach me on time to let go and will weaken the strong impulse of my brain to catastrophise and inject anxiety over everything.
I very much wanted to go into this total D/s relationship and thought I knew so much about it but there are always constant surprises I'm not unhappy with any of this, I'm really glad to know that he loves me whether he is saying it all the time or not, and I'm really glad too to have something specific to work on in relation to my submission rather than worrying something has gone wrong with us.
He says it is fine to ask for what I need but that I won't always get it! This is okay It takes an incredible amount of trust to do this - many UK people I've dated have acted like everything was fine the moment before it is not - but I'm glad to have a chance to try. Relevant thoughts and experiences are welcome, as well as any insight into how to improve my psychological submission. | ||
| 7 Mar 10, 11:59 AM vixylix 2 yrs |
Watching this thread with great interest. I can relate to this totally and I too am in constant need of reassurance and want and need. Hope I discover a few tips from this. | ||
| 7 Mar 10, 12:17 PM ukreva UK(PL), 2 yrs |
Yeah I guess also that writing this down helps me remember I'm committing to it. We all have scripts in our head about how D/s will go but then when we get there... Wham! | ||
| 7 Mar 10, 12:18 PM Fitznicely UK(B), 2 yrs  |
This is a question of point-of-view. From your point of view, he's not being so effusive, and along with him being away, you're finding your insecurity gland squarely hit, time and time again. I don't know him, obviously, but if it were me - and it has been, on many occasions - you're in his heart, and he's not thinking of letting you go, so increased reassurances seem, to him, overkill. That he's recognised your insecurity and is taking steps to "cure" it is a good thing, as you say. Follow his lead - that is, after all, what you agreed to do in the first place. I'm not sure if I can give any advice that would help, apart from asking you to separate all the men in your past who may have dented your confidence in maintaining a relationship while apart, and this man, who isn't them and who shouldn't be treated like one of them. You know they say it's always the quiet ones you have to watch? That's me. | ||
| 7 Mar 10, 1:14 PM Thistle US, 4 yrs |
I'm guessing I may be a lone voice of opposition, but you've asked for thoughts, and I've never been too shy about offering mine. There's something that really crawls up my spine about d/s being used as therapy. I understand that having cravings met and fears faced can be therapeutic. But when it comes to deeper issues of self-esteem, insecurity, et al, I think that sort of therapy belongs in the hands of a licensed and qualified professional. I also don't think it's fair or necessary to withhold affection. I don't think affection should be parsed out. I think it should be given both freely and when needed. I may be submissive, but I'm damned if I'm going to accept love in spoonfuls. It's either there and it's mine, or it's not. I need to know which it is. Finally, if your gut is telling you that something in this dynamic is echoing previous break-ups, you need to tell your partner exactly what he's doing to make it feel that way. He's got to understand why you feel uneasy and if he's compassionate and more concerned about your confidence in him than he is in flexing his dom muscle, he'll make a few adjustments so that you can feel safe. If he's committed to you, he's committed to you warts, baggage and all. I'm fully in favor of throwing yourself wholeheartedly into submission, but I'm also in favor of keeping a little part of yourself back as an anchor to stabilize you - just in case. Relationships can fail and there's nothing wrong with a little self-protection until you're really sure. ETA: Dominants can be wrong, you know. And it's up to you to let him know if what he's doing makes you feel pain that isn't good pain. love the brave but avoid cowards, knowing the gratitude of cowards is small ~Praxilla of Sicyon Edited 7 Mar 10, 1:17 PM by Thistle | ||
| 7 Mar 10, 1:25 PM insanity_sane 4 yrs  |
I am in full agreement here, if reassurance and support is needed then its should be given freely, denying this to me would be a form of punishment. Is it so wrong to express your emotion so freely. If you like mind games this is truely one of the best kind, playing withemotions however is dangerous and can and does often backfire. Just my view, doesnt mean i am right.
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| 7 Mar 10, 1:39 PM ukreva UK(PL), 2 yrs |
Don't worry, I'll be getting a therapist for the therapy  | ||
| 7 Mar 10, 1:42 PM ukreva UK(PL), 2 yrs |
Very good points here by the way, am on way to work but will answer more fully later. | ||
| 7 Mar 10, 1:58 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
Depends what is happening. If you're very into him, not living together and you don't hear from him for 7 days because he's busuy, not that into you or with a secret wife and family then it's not good. If he just likes you a lot but can't be texting you every hour then that's fine and it's also fine if he doesn't want a dynamic where you in effect say Fetch and he goes off and comes back with the contact or affection you want. May be he could give you tasks to do so you're thinking of him but not having to have constant contact with him when he's busy. | ||
| 7 Mar 10, 2:00 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs      |
I would not be in a D/s relationship with anyone whom I did not hold in high esteem and for whom I had a strong affection. I would ensure she understood that this still held between us wherever we were and I would not stint on ensuring she understood her place in my heart. however, the very fact of being apart would likely make me an unforgiving master, demanding precise submission to our agreed rules and protocols. I could not bear to be out of sight and out of mind. Her continued obedience, against a background of my absence, would melt my heart and I could not fail to tell her so. Patience is bitter - but its fruit is sweet. | ||
| 7 Mar 10, 2:08 PM RiverDance UK(SL), 4 yrs |
Well, for what its worth, thats my view as well!! Simply because there is a D/s element involved, that dosnt, in my book, mean that affection and reassurance are or should be withheld when needed. In fact if they are genuinely needed then affection and reassurance should come in buckefuls - after all you care and 'love' this person dont you?? Dont you? Listen to all, plucking a feather from every passing goose, but follow no one absolutely.... |
