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| MisterBear |
on Sat 6 Mar 10, 12:56 PM to MisterBear's blog.
Ok, a round up of some of the jokes I've received over the past few months or so. I've tried to translate them all into English but there might still be bits of text speak in there. Enjoy!
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I was enjoying a bit of anal with the wife when she turned to me & said "Hmm mmm mmhmphmm mm hmmph!"
Don't you just love Gaffer tape?
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Did you hear about the Irish Exorcism?
A mother had to call the Devil in, to get the priest out of her son!
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If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chances of having a stroke.
But if you buy her the whole bottle, she will probably suck it for you as well.
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My wife said that I only want sex when I'm drunk.
That's just not true, I also want a kebab.
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Geordie is on The Weakest Link.
Ann Robinson asked him "What does acoustic mean?"
He thought for a moment and replied "It's something for hitting cattle with''
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As an aeroplane is about to crash a woman jumps up and announces if I am going to die I want to die feeling like a woman. She strips and asks if there is someone on the plane man enough to make her feel like a woman. A man stands up, removes his shirt and says iron this...
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Someone asked me the other day; 'What's your pet hate?'
I said; ' I've noticed it doesn't really like things shoved up its arse.'
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I loved going on a train before all the terrorist shit, when you could look at an unattended bag & your only thought was - I'm having that!
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Three blondes are walking in the woods and they wander upon some tracks. The 1st says 'these are deer tracks' the 2nd says 'no they're badger tracks' the 3rd says 'no, these are fox tracks'. Sadly whilst arguing they were all killed by the train.
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We were so poor in our house when we were young that, on Christmas morning if you didn't wake up with an erection, you had nothing to play with.
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Someone sent me a text. All it said was
'A' 'G' 'N' 'B'
I don't know about you but I think its bang out of order!
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A guy goes into a pub and asks for 3 double whiskies, the barman says are you ok? No he said I just found out my son is gay!
The next day he goes in and asks for 6 double whiskies, are you ok asks the barman again? No I just found out my other son is gay too!
The next day he goes in and asks for 9 double whiskies and the barman says my god doesn't anyone in your family like fanny?
Yes he replies my fucking wife!
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FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman you can trust & who would never lie.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you.
5. It's absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other.
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40% of people play with themselves in the shower?
The other 60% prefer to sing in the shower.
Do you know what song they sing?
No?
Didn't think you would!
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What does a good Lancashire lass do with her cunt before having great sex?
She drops him off at Old Trafford and drives to Yorkshire!
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Got thrown out of the pub quiz the other day. The question was 'which famous castle suffered from smoke damage in the eighties?
Apparently 'Roy' isn't the correct answer !
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WOMEN eh!
Boob-jobs, nose-jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, Botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples, pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, legs waxed, lips tattooed, tits tattooed, arms tattooed, legs tattooed, lengthy diets, strenuous exercise, child birth...
and THEN,they won't take it up the arse 'cos:
'IT HURTS!'
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Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries 2 take her home but they fall & he ends up on top of her.
The landlord says 'Oi mate you cant do that in here'.
The rev replies 'You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps'.
Landlord says 'Well if you're that far in you may as well finish'.
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently, the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did!
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!:
Does your wife or girlfriend have any unwanted gold jewellery? Rings, Earings, Bracelets?
If so.... Give her a fucking slap! The Ungrateful bitch!!
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A woman playing golf, teed off and watched in horror as her ball hit a man playing the next hole. He clasped his hands 2gether at his groin, fell 2 the ground and rolled around in agony.
The woman rushed 2 the man offering 2 relieve his pain as she was a physio therapist.
The man said 'No, I'll be fine'.
But she insisted. She gently took his hands away, undid his trousers and put her hands inside. She massaged tenderly for several moments and asked ' how does that feel?'
He replied 'It feels great but I still think my thumb's broken'
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Stevie Wonder - 7 Children
David Blunkett - 5 Children (allegedly)
Ray Charles - 12 Children
I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.
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A man in London sees a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes 'removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing & then rub in oil after waxing'.
Man asks about job at Job Centre & is told to go to Plymouth. He asks if that's where job is?
Job Centre says 'No that's the back of the queue'
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A local MP visiting an old folks home remarks to a 90 year old lady how well she looks.
"Have you ever been bed ridden?" he asks.
"I have, many times" she replies, "But I prefer to be fucked up the arse on the sofa!"
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A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore rectum.
He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper 'Nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?'
The shopkeeper replies, 'Aye, lad, we do. Does tha want a Magnum or a Cornetto?'
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A man's wife hits him across the head.
He says "Wot's that for?"
She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".
Quick as a flash he says "That's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly cow" - she apologises.
A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan!
He says, "What the fuck was that for?"
She replies, "Your fucking horse phoned!"
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Two Essex girls in a pub, in walks an attractive man with dandruff.
First Essex girl says "He needs head and shoulders"
Second Essex girl says "How do you give shoulders"
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Man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane and asks is he a guide dog?
No I'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this, and says to the dog 'Search'
The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap.
'Heroin' the guy says & makes a note of the passenger.
The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap.
'Coke' the guy says.
The dog comes back again & shits all over the seat.
'What the fuck is that?' The man asks.
Guy replies 'He's found a fucking bomb.'
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A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with 1 hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. she's a Swiss army wife.
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Boy lost job in chip shop. Dad goes to find out why.
Owner says "I found him with his dick in the potato peeler."
Dad says "May I see the potato peeler?"
The owner replies "No I fired him as well!"
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The wife's just left me, she took my Bob Marley collection and the satellite TV.
I'm gutted.
No woman no sky!
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Man and wife having a stroll in the zoo. Gorilla starts to get a hard on as he sees the wife.
Husband says, "Lift your skirt and tease him."
Ape goes mental.
"Now get your tits out!"
Ape goes berserk!
Husband opens the cage and throws his wife in. "Now tell him you've got a fucking headache!"
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Woman in court charged with stealing a tin of peaches.
Judge asks "how many peaches were in the tin?"
To which she replies "there were 4."
He tells her that she will serve 1 month for each peach.
As she is being lead away her husband shouts from the public gallery "AND SHE STOLE A TIN OF PEAS!"
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Man wakes his Wife up & asks her ''Would you like some Coffee darling? Or would you prefer Sex?"
"I'm not fussed" she replied. "Either way its going to be fucking instant."
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Went on eBay last night looking for a Dictaphone
.............. They sent me your number!
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A husband and wife are sitting down watching TV when he turns to his wife and says, "Babe, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time,"
she replies, "You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates."
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Paddy pulls alongside a lorry, '0i driver, yer losing yer load'
Driver says 'Fuck off!'
5 miles further along, '0i yer losing yer load!'
'Will you Fuck off!'
5 miles further along Paddy yells 'Im not joking, honest u are losin your load'
Driver says 'Will you Fuck off you thick twat: I'm Gritting!!
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A man walks into a shop and ponders the chocolate bars on the counter. He eventually makes up his mind and says, 'Ill have a Twirl and a Boost, please.'
The shopkeeper spins round, points at the bloke and says, 'You look fabulous today!'
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Never confuse laxatives with Viagra.........
It makes you crap in bed.
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Two women on their way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes herself with her knickers, and the other uses a wreath.
Their two husbands were in the pub the next day. One says, "I'd better watch my wife. She came home last night with no knickers on."
The other man says, "That's fuck all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying, We'll never forget you. From all the boys at the fire station.
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Just bought some Sainsbury sausages. There's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front. On the back it says 'prick with fork'.
Cant argue with that!
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Why do men get confused between sex and a game of hide and seek?
Cos in both cases, after 1 minute they shout "coming . . . ready or not!"
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Three men in an intelligence test were asked this question.
"A man and woman are in bed nude, with the woman lying on her side. The man is also lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"
The first said, "There IS no answer"
The second man said "There is no way to know the answer with the information we were given"
The third man said "I think I have it narrowed down to two, Willie Nailor or Willie Turner."
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Woman takes her duck to the vet.
"Sorry it's dead." he tells her.
I don't believe it she replies.
Vet calls in a Labrador dog who sniffs the duck, shakes it's head sadly and walks out.
In comes a cat who licks the duck, lowers it's head and sheds a tear.
Vet says to woman "That will be £1000."
"That's outrageous." she replies.
Vet responds "It would have been only £200 but you have had a lab report and a cat scan!"
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Paddy stood by a bar getting pissed trying to work out how the fuck he's only got 3 brothers while his sister's got 4.
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This girl takes her dress to the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned.
The young lad behind the counter is a bit deaf and says 'Come again?'
The girl blushes and says 'No, it's yoghurt this time.'
Edited Sat 6 Mar 10, 1:14 PM by MisterBear
| 6 Mar 10, 2:26 PM Achilleus UK(M), 2 yrs |
Ha ha...thanks for the entertainment  | |
| 6 Mar 10, 3:14 PM xCallyx UK, 5 yrs |
that was great, thank you for making me smile and groan so much  The bottom half of GC INC | |
| 6 Mar 10, 4:46 PM Corwin UK(L), 10 yrs |
Excellent, some good "laugh out loud" ones there. Cheers for the laughs.
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| 6 Mar 10, 5:19 PM perra_diablo UK, 3 yrs |
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| 6 Mar 10, 6:55 PM wanderlust UK(EN), 5 yrs |
aw loads of inspiration for cheering up my sister, thanks! | |
| 7 Mar 10, 12:51 AM FairyGirl UK(YO), 2 yrs   |
My favourites, for future reference! Thanks for the late night giggles. "Nothing saves anyone's life, Sir. It just postpones their death." - Posner , The History Boys. |
