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Advice for entering a new D/s relationship (48)

This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.

littlenic wrote:
I am no good at commenting on safety - or vulnerability.

But I'm more than happy to confess that early on I did a few odd things that I wouldn't do now. I was so overwhelmed and excited with finding there are dominant guys out there I ignored warning signs and, at times, my own gut instincts.

I didn't get hurt, I didn't get used, I didn't get damaged. Or at least, I choose not to use those words or emotions. I may have felt a bit of a twat afterwards, though, for not listening to myself. However, I learned some valuable lessons about what I will and won't do, what is and isn't right for me.

And I wonder if sometimes a bit of emotional pain is a step that you have to pass through to learn those lessons.

There's some great advice on this thread, which is lovely to see. I still think one of the most important things to carry with you in life is the need to listen to your gut instincts, and act on them. And if you ignore that, for whatever reason - well, there's little point getting upset at the other person, and the best value that can come out of it is learning more about yourself and promising yourself you won't make that mistake again.

I'm new to BDSM but luckily I'm in my early 40s i.e. older and wiser. The advice of trusting one's gut instinct rings true now. After many years, I've come to respect and trust my gut instinct. But I remember that in my early 20s I had no such awareness and took some stupid risks. If someone had told me to trust my gut instinct, I would not have understood what they meant or how to do it. Naivety, a trusting nature and blind optimism("bad things only happen to others", "I feel indestructible") are the biggest threats to the safety of young subs and some older ones who still haven't learnt. I hope this thread will be read by many and the advice taken to heart.

On the other hand, following my gut instinct has been so far disheartening because, after many, many contacts by memo, telephone and a few meets (and you can imagine the number of memos I've received when I joined IC as a new sub), very few doms behaved in a manner that made me feel at ease. In a way, although it's not something I would do, I can understand why some subs rush into things. It feels I've been sitting on the fence for quite a long time and it's not a comfortable position.

6 Mar 10, 9:30 PM
relaxed1
UK(BR), 6 yrs

The best advice I could give to anyone is to talk, talk and then talk some more. Aside from the obvious advantages in getting to know someone well before meeting them, it also sets the tone. Open and frank communication has to be the most important thing of all in terms of both knowing one another and avoiding misunderstandings.

Whilst you are getting to know a person, it's especially important for both to expect that communication will flow freely. It's unrealistic for a sub to assume that any dom will intuitively understand her, or for any dom to expect that a sub will instantly want to throw herself at his feet. It doesn't happen in the vanilla world, so why should D/s be any different?

Whilst you may know, ab initio, about someone's preferences, likes and dislikes, this doesn't mean that you fully understand the extent of them, or their expectations.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars" - Oscar Wilde
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." - Evelyn Beatrice Hall

6 Mar 10, 10:31 PM
Commander_Kwaaab
UK(SW), 7 yrs

Bstd_Mstr wrote:
I HATE to say this but, imo, a lot is due to the submissive NOT knowing their standing within D/s. So many subs "new" to the scene think that if a Dominant says "DO", then that's their responsibility to do. They don't realise that their submission is something that they GIVE to the Dominant who fits their criteria, AND after a decent "contact period".......... submits to.

Submissives NEED to realise (( Especially "new" ones )) that their submission is a "gift" given to the ONE that THEY want to be with and NEVER "demanded" from ANY Dom/me.

Any Dom/me who says "Call Me Sir / Mistress" upon 1st contact should be ignored and considered a "Dumbiant" imo, 1st contact is about conversation and compatability, in other words ..... one to one POLITE "chit chat" Almost "vanilla" at this point because you don't know if each other is going to be compatible with regards "Needs" IF you "get on" ..... then explore whatever your needs are and see where that leads. IF both parties agree to explore a D/s relationship ........ that's when dacorum and etiquette should be enforced.

I DO appreciate that there are submissives out there that NEED to apply etiquette upon 1st contact ie call Dominants "Sir" or "Mistress" I personally like this, BUT ....... It is NOT taken by Me that they are submitting to Me, it's just the way that they have been taught as well as being a mark of respect. I would still talk to them as if it were a casual meeting, and be polite. After all ..... they're not MY submissive ..........YET !! lol

That's what I said; albeit less eloquently and without making my point!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. Bloody Satnav
A strictly mathematic god marks out the universe with rule and line, but I, myself, am bloody odd and cannot fit to His design. (std disclaimer)

6 Mar 10, 11:16 PM
miss_two_in_one
UK(BN), 2 yrs

I always tell a close friend if I'm meeting someone new & give them the contact no. he's given me. Fortunately he knows about my predilection but even if they don't, just say you're going on a date. Then I would make it very clear to the Dom that someone knows we're meeting. It's a shame, but you have to take care of yourself, whether in this environment or a vanilla one.

I was Snow White...but I drifted

7 Mar 10, 12:51 AM
zebedee
UK(PR), 12 yrs

There's been some excellent responses which convey many of my own thoughts already. So I'll try to say something a little different.

JennyM wrote:

Eclectic_shock wrote:
The temptation was to respond that it is the same in the scene as it is in vanilla, but of course the scene (Whatever it may mean or be) has obfuscating elements to it. That is to say that the coercian/force/power exchange thing can muddy the waters and cause a twisting of one individual's perception about a relationship. <snip>

I see what you're saying, but I also think that whether you identify as submissive or dominant, you have to face your responsibilities to look after yourself. You still have total choice as to whether you submit or not... submissives aren't a weaker being as a whole.

I have seen a couple of people that have come into the scene and been, for want of a better term, been quite 'air-headed' about it all. Their initial perception of the whole was coloured by the nicer people they met first. And, despite them seemingly taking time out to first watch and learn, attend the odd club and munch, they then went on to become involved with somebody I'd very loosley term as a 'dominant' who was pretty much off the scene radar. Only further in did it dawn on them what the person was like. By which time they were in their personal company. Fortunately both managed to jump ship before things got worse.

In both cases their need to indulge their fantasies over-rode everything else. Asking them about the experiences it became clear that they'd been aware of earlier warning signs but wanted to ignore them. Explaining the logical progression of how a safe-call should work was largely on deaf ears as they failed to assimilate all the steps. Okay so 99.9% of the time you won't need it hopefully, but for it to be effective in that 0.1% of the time those steps are important.

So sometimes it takes two, even if only one is aware of it.

Back to Eclectic_shock's comment and something very similar to what Twistee says in his final paragraph:

There's been many posts on IC of people in troubled relationships and asking for advice. Often confused by the mixture. I always feel it's a good idea in times like those to strip out the bdsm elements and see what's left. Does it still work? Do you respect that person? I'd argue that even in a play only relationship that its never just 'play only', and that bdsm is a layer that only works on top of other working layers. If bdsm is the only layer somebody takes into consideration then that's a problem.

I have a saying that has helped people weigh up what was going on and where things were at. It's helped me many times.

'Ignore what the mouth says, look what the hands do.'

Mouths sometimes speak rubbish, especially to maintain a situation. But the hands and actions rarely lie.

On a technical note: Obtaining a UK landline telephone number is sometimes not representative of a person's approximate location. It is now possible to obtain a UK area code but for it to route anywhere in the world.

Did you know?......That at Michael Jackson's autopsy, it was discovered that his feet were on backwards.

7 Mar 10, 4:56 PM
subette
2 yrs

Eclectic_shock wrote:

Submissives NEED to realise (( Especially "new" ones )) that their submission is a "gift" given to the ONE that THEY want to be with and NEVER "demanded" from ANY Dom/me.

That's what I said; albeit less eloquently and without making my point!

Whilst you may have a point about the importance of understanding the role of a submissive, from the additional info that the OP has given it is pretty clear that the blame on this one lies with the so-called dom.

It doesn't matter how niave or new anyone is, there is never an excuse to treat someone like that.

Subette

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask. - Muse, Undisclosed desires

7 Mar 10, 8:38 PM
little_temptress
4 yrs

Praxilla wrote:
If I was limited to offering just one piece of advice, I think it would be this ~

Don't let anyone fool you into thinking you've got something to prove.

The definition of a "good submissive" is one who is happy with what s/he does.

But, as I'm not limited, first, I'd say to refer to passion8's excellent list.

Next, while you are getting to know the dominant, no matter how exciting it is to be sharing your desires with someone, don't tell them your deepest or most extreme fantasies. This can create an attitude of expectation that you're ready to take more than you really are. Keep your interests light.

Make sure your partner knows that you are new and make sure s/he is able to reassure you that s/he'll start out slowly with you. You can always go harder later, but it's impossible to take back or undo overly harsh treatment.

Unless you know someone very well and know some of the other people who know him/her, don't invite them to your home. Play in a hotel room the first time and make him/her register their name on the room.

Before you get started, ask to see and handle and perhaps test the toys that will be used. Retain the right to declare anything that makes you uneasy off limits.

Don't allow yourself to be fully bound, or even bound at all the first time you play.

Much as I typically spit on safe words, for first or early forays into submission, it can be wonderfully comfortable to have one. Better still, go with the traffic light system.

Finally, don't allow anyone who hasn't spent real time with you to collar you, claim ownership of you, share you or attempt to control your life or your time. If you want those things, give them time to develop. Think baby steps.

I think this is post has some excellent advice and some I should have followed in the past...

tempy

girls come and start chatting @the_girly_couch

7 Mar 10, 9:34 PM
twistit69
UK(CW), 3 yrs

Eclectic_shock wrote:

Submissives NEED to realise (( Especially "new" ones )) that their submission is a "gift" given to the ONE that THEY want to be with and NEVER "demanded" from ANY Dom/me.

That's what I said; albeit less eloquently and without making my point!

That pretty much sums it up.

I'm pretty new here myself and to the scene although couples want to jump into the kink as quickly as possible taking your time to develop a relationship outside kink may address problems before you start. Ok I may get shouted down for this but its how i do things and it works for me. As stated over and over again submission is a gift not a god given right and it has to be earned. Running a healthy bit of vanilla before and during a relationship keeps the playing field level. Not done me any harm but then again as dom that bit is not in the contract..