Advice for entering a new D/s relationship (48)

She is new to the scene, and was taken advantage of (I feel) by a man from this site.

What would your best advice for someone new to D/s on how to proceed safely?

What precautions do you take or have you taken to ensure that the person you are going to be seeing is all they say they are?

Just thought it might be nice for those with experience to help out those new to BDSM and who may be vulnerable to domdoms!

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”

Mistress_Avralivia wrote: Good advice Not sure how many will take it, but even if one does, then it is worth posting it. lush_london wrote: I know it is a little contentious to have munches that are restricted to certain sections of the community, but in the case of female subs who are new to the scene and live in or close to London or Manchester, my advice would be to go to either the London Ladies Munch or the Manchester Ladies Munch. And not to enter into a relationship until they have been around for a little while. There are some so-called Doms who are fairly predatory - they launch themselves at women with new profiles and take advantage of the them in the way that you have described.

I tend to point newbies at the Putney Munch (something we talked about there last night). It's welcoming, friendly and you meet people who have lots of experience. You don't necessarily get all the right advice just from other women.

Rule 1 for me is to talk to people, read up on the subject and watch before diving head first into meeting strangers who are into control or inflicting pain. I know I've made mistakes and I'm a nice guy .

ETA: corrected quotes, not sure what I did there

I don't know what's right and what's real any more

Edited 6 Mar 10, 12:46 AM by Sirebel

Before progressing to a meet, a good exploration of their posts, weblogs and network will give you a sense of whether they are known to others, as experienced as they claim - or whether the things they are telling you are backed up with some previous history. Of course, no posts, profile content or network should not necessarily ring alarm bells but in my own experience, those who have made an effort to post (or at least completed their profile) have provided a better match.

If you have a telephone conversation it is helpful to have the landline number of the other person. Pay as you go mobile phones are not readily traceable if things go badly wrong whereas landlines are.

If you are due to visit someone's house for the first time and want to be sure that they live where they claim, a letter sent to that address containing a code word that the Dom should email back is a great and simple way to confirm the address.

And then obvious precautions such as safecalls or meeting in a public place first are very worthwhile - just as they are in a vanilla setting.

A couple of rules of thumb that work for me:

- If they want to rush into a play session before any rapport or trust has been built, it rings alarm bells.

- A caring Dom will want you to have thought about your safety and should encourage you to do so. Conversely, a Dom who is reluctant or resistant to making you feel safe would cause me concern.

- Trust your instincts. You should not be made to feel worried, anxious or uncomfortable about your safety - and if you do, discuss it further with the Dom to see what response you get.

- Don't feel bad that you want to be sure. If the Dom doesn't like things that way, he's not for you.

Passion x

This is not just any scene, This is an S&M scene xx

Edited 6 Mar 10, 12:38 AM by passion8

I hope your friend is okay, she's in good hands if she has you to look after her.

K x

fear and lust bind me like rope I lose control as You take it from me

You just dont know unfortunately and sometimes youll have to go through shite like this to find a good guy or female.

I feel for the person who memo'd you as from what ive seen and on sites there are alot of people vulnerable to manipulative and predatory individuals both male and female.

My advise get to know people, and i mean get to know them, dont get lost in all the attention, excitement etc.. and that means take time before commiting to anything, that way you are still in control until you are ready to hand that part of you over.

Thing is you could be with someone for a long time and then it all goes tits up.

Im sure youll advise ssaid person with your wisdom and charm.

"Its Cheeky Time" OllieVW

So now im taking my time and if a Dom would feel like its taking too long.. well his loss, not mine..

I take my time and if a Dom really respect me in all ways he will be willing to give me that time, and is willing to build on the trust that both sub and Dom must have ..

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Don't let anyone fool you into thinking you've got something to prove.

The definition of a "good submissive" is one who is happy with what s/he does.

But, as I'm not limited, first, I'd say to refer to passion8's excellent list.

Next, while you are getting to know the dominant, no matter how exciting it is to be sharing your desires with someone, don't tell them your deepest or most extreme fantasies. This can create an attitude of expectation that you're ready to take more than you really are. Keep your interests light.

Make sure your partner knows that you are new and make sure s/he is able to reassure you that s/he'll start out slowly with you. You can always go harder later, but it's impossible to take back or undo overly harsh treatment.

Unless you know someone very well and know some of the other people who know him/her, don't invite them to your home. Play in a hotel room the first time and make him/her register their name on the room.

Before you get started, ask to see and handle and perhaps test the toys that will be used. Retain the right to declare anything that makes you uneasy off limits.

Don't allow yourself to be fully bound, or even bound at all the first time you play.

Much as I typically spit on safe words, for first or early forays into submission, it can be wonderfully comfortable to have one. Better still, go with the traffic light system.

Finally, don't allow anyone who hasn't spent real time with you to collar you, claim ownership of you, share you or attempt to control your life or your time. If you want those things, give them time to develop. Think baby steps.

love the brave but avoid cowards, knowing the gratitude of cowards is small ~Praxilla of Sicyon

Totally unrelated, but don't start me off.

Ooops, too late, you have.

One good friend of mine, new to the scene, was twice driven over the edge by one fuck-wit who's still on the loose every week on the northern scene. Lives west of pennines, but (sadly) still ventures east into Yorkshire and Midlands.

Sadly condoned by others on scene. Not first offence and a good few do know what he's done. Yet say nothing, seem happy to play on regardless.

If my friend makes it back onto IC and back onto scene, maybe a 'heart-rending' update on here might just start to put things right..?

Naww, forget it. Too much class. The weasel's not worth it. Karma, though, never forgets. Nor does LS.

Respect.

The silky-smooth soothing voice of reason and logic. (You WILL feel much better and speak more sense while very securely tied-up...)

Edited 6 Mar 10, 2:35 AM by SirLashleyS

2. Always start from a position of equality. If someone tries to 'dom' you and demand things from you right from the outset, then just turn around and keep walking.

"I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!" ~ W. Bailey

^^ This. As a sub.