Expectations from first contacts (32)

I used to also have a profile on a nilla dating site with some v subtle references to kink and interestingly the people who spotted them also had profiles on IC but somehow because we met through a nilla site the normal rules of nilla dating seemed to apply and we didn't discuss intimate details for a while which was great as far as I'm concerned.

I know a lot of people are happy to discuss their sexual preferences etc as soon as they meet someone or at munches etc but I like to get to know someone before I reveal that side of myself and in my experience there does seem to be an expectation by people to reveal all.

Yeah, this. Definitely this.

But as with all situations (whether BDSM or not), if you don't feel comfortable, then just tell them.

I can understand why people might do it (from a compatibility point of view perhaps), and I think some people genuinely think it's the done thing to be candid about their sex lives because they think they're 'special' in some way.

Well, they are 'special', but in a completely different context.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx

The above comment is a sign (in my most humble opinion) that the Dom in question is either a Dom-wanna-be, or doesn't respect you. It offends me when people do this too.

But, back to your main questions.

When I go to a munch, I don't go to talk about the weather, or cars, or where is a nice place to eat. I go to meet with kinky people to talk about kinky things. When I meet someone new at a munch, sure, I'll entertain a little small talk, but will soon turn the conversation to kinky things.

I take a similar approach when chatting to someone new on IC or a date. Sure, there needs to be a basis in vanilla stuff, and if someone jumps too quickly into sex and kink, then it is off putting. But one of the perks of meeting people on a kinky site is that the conversation will eventually turn to kinky things. Otherwise I'd be dating on a vanilla site.

But I also agree that going straight into sex talk or kink talk without getting to know the person on a vanilla level first, is a huge turn off. It would also turn me off on a vanilla site if all anyone wanted to know is if I like wearing lingerie and what size my boobs are.

Does that help?

Pen

You say Ouch like it's a bad word.

Part of the issue for me is that I'm just not comfortable talking about intimate things until I know someone v well. So I don't really talk about my personal kinks at places like munches altho I'm happy to listen to other people.

Some people really enjoy being asked direct and kinky questions soon, that or they at least don't mind. I hate it. Good clear sign of the wrong person for you, I'd agree.

There are all sorts of people using IC. Some of the more unusual are in a minority but they are worth seeking out or waiting for. Good luck

(Edited to add: putting a little more on your profile about what you're like as a person and your other interests might help to encourage a response from more rounded people.)

Edited 5 Mar 10, 10:27 AM by Scribbles

In this thread on the Novice_R_US group ... Advice for newbie subs there are links to two existing posts in IC directly addressing expectations, contact management and personal safety arrangements for subs.

Also, remember that you don't have to fight off repeat memos from people that you don't want to have contacting you because every profile of someone else that you can view has a button labelled "Block/Memos Chat" for you to press to stop being bothered by them. Especially if you've already told them, politely, by response memo that you're not interested.

<edited> to add ...

Under "Your settings" ... you can "Manage your Bookmarks and Block List". The Block List shows every profile you have blocked and provides a button, per profile, labelled "Allow memos/chat" to reverse the block.

"Fork handles?" "No, not 'fork handles' ... four candles."

Edited 5 Mar 10, 11:47 AM by Top_Class

Thank you Pen. I understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't have a problem going to a munch and talking about sex and kink in general, without going into personal specifics. Maybe when I have more experience, it'll change. I like to meet likeminded people, rather than just make online contacts, and learn more about BDSM through live interactions rather than the IC boards.

As for talking about kinks in a dating scenario, ideally I'd like to start discussing this if there's still a mutual interest after a first meeting. That means that, for me, the stage of memos and telephone conversations (I don't chat online) is about getting to know the vanilla side of the person. 8 times out of 10 it doesn't go any further and there is no meeting, mostly for the reasons cited in my first post: most doms are not interested in vanilla topics. In the same way that I do not send my picture until after the first telephone conversation if I'm still interested, I won't talk kinks until the 2nd meeting. My way of doing things seems to surprise, frustrate and even piss off a lot of people which is why I wonder if I'm on the right site. I can't see myself changing because that's what feels right for me and makes me feel on solid ground in this new environment.

I'd be interested to know what you think actually. Would you feel annoyed by all the above?

Thank you RosaRose. It's good to know I'm not the only one grappling with this. But it seems we're a minority.

of course, this is a site dedicated to kink and unusual sexuality, but frankly, if someone can't be bothered or isn't intrested in you as a person, why even bother talking with them, let alone letting them into your life.

some people get really impatient really quickly, the old 'timewaster' syndrome. well, you are better off without them. if people think you are wasting their time by behaving like a social human, then sod them.

the same goes for crappy oneliners that assume you'd want to meet them with no chat or photos or anything,(i've sent a few one liners in my time, but simple compliments, with no expectations attatched) and also for the dreaded , "asl" which dosen't really happen here, but does on other chatrooms.

age,sex,location... if thats the basis for a decent relationship of Any sort, then i'm a monkeys' uncle. ook :P

Thank you for the good advice of contacting people whose posts or blogs I like. I'll definitely do that. You're right I need to complete my profile. The previous one was very vanilla, with details of hobbies and interests, to attract responses from more rounded people as you put it. Then I got fed up of it all, deleted it and took a step back. It's only now that I'm coming back on IC.