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| totallycoverme |
I know I know I know this sounds really self absorbed and fucked up but I'm freaking out that people (as in men I get involved with in some way beyond friendship)shit on me because I'm ugly.
I've just watched "Make Me Perfect" and I was thinking "But you're not ugly at all love, very much the opposite infact! PLEASE don't go under the knife please!" But then I look at how confident they are afterwards and it does make me think.
The weird thing is that I can't find anything about me that's *that* physically horrible. I do have a funny walk and appallingly foul acne scarring on my chest. It's propper bleugh and I always feel I want to apologise for it. But yeah, I'm just thinking what more can I do? Am I ugly in a way that people just don't have the bollocks to tell me? I don't understand though: genetically I've got absolutely everything on my side and I can't find *that* much that I really don't like but all the same I'm thinking "well is there something wrong?!"
But then again, the sort of people who do hint at such bullshit tend to be the most unlikely candidates themselves. I stand by what I say when I tell yas that I've never seen a physically ugly person in my life but in terms of health and personal grooming, a lot of the people who've given me reason to believe that I'm ugly can hardly talk themselves.
I don't know what the fuck is going on?! It seems that someone gets involved with me and then maybe they're finding something out about me that actually they can't stand. I'm a very loyal person but maybe people find that clingy?!
The sensible answer would be "Don't let people shit on you and go with your instincts" Because I really don't think there's much I can/should do to change *who* and *what* I am...like I think maybe my best bet would be for me to ask myself bigger questions about *who* and *what* the other person is/is about when considering whether to get involved or not. Hmmm, yet the paranoia that I am faulty in a way that I'm too blind to see and thus change still remains!
I can't remember if I mentioned this before on here but the last time I went to lash, I came home and cried and had some horrible horrible thoughts because I kept thinking back to how I was the ugliest woman there and that I didn't deserve to be around people and that I was a seriously faulty blotch to the point that I was putting people off having a good time by being so fucking foul 
This is all without getting undressed in anyway you'll understand, that would just be the straw that broke the camels back.
This is sick! This is so fucking sick! I'm able bodied. I'm able minded. I've got a lot going for me. So why can't I stop thinking about this shit.
Today I walked past a group of girls about my age at a bus stop and I thought about how nice they looked and I just wanted to scream at them "it's fucking sluts who get done up like you who result in women like me being treated like a waste of space!"....(Understand that I don't have the financial means to come across in a way that I would like...my God I wish I saved my money on not ever meeting this person in some respects, could have spent it on summat nice, meh I digress!)
I'm not really *that* angry and bitter on a day to day basis (well, I really do hope that!) but what I'm feeling at the moment is so raw that I'm finding myself having to wake myself up to even be able to cross a road affectively (that's not me saying I want to hurl myself infront of traffic, no bloody way! That's me saying that a total lack of aftercare and the way the whole thing went has left me in a zombie like state! It kicked of on Friday night. It's Thursday tomorrow! What?! The?! Fuck?!)
I'm cautious that I don't want to bore you nice ic people with all my shit because we've all got problems innit but geeeez the extent to which I'm struggling with this is doing my head in. The Dom concerned (well, not literally) hasn't been online on ic for 4-5 days now. I text him just asking him that I needed to know that he's done nothing stupid. No reply. I'm maybe a twat for caring because he can get his jollies from any other website, it's not like he's not on many! But all the same, I would just like to know that he's not gone AWOL as in AWOL. It's scaring me to think that and maybe he's logged off from ic and reading this as a guest and accumulating great entertainment and self flattery from this (that wouldn't shock me actually) but all the same, how can someone be so non-human. I felt one seriously heavy pang in my head just pondering that just then!
This will sound strange as fuck but I'm trying to assess what I can do in the short term to balance my head in a way that I feel more safe and able to function on a day to day basis right now. Part of me is asking (bearing in mind that the vocal support I've had from people has been fantastic and without that, I've no doubt I've had stayed in bed all week going mad!) myself if I just need to hug someone for an hour. Just a long silent hug or maybe, just maybe I want someone to punish me for being so stupid and then the aftercare that they gave from that would accomodate. I know that sounds so fucking bonkers and fucked up but I'm just so blummin baffled right now.
Like I know getting over this in the grand scheme of things will be a long term project but all the same I could really use just one long physically loving thing right now (and anyone who reads that as me saying that I want to go on the rebound is immensely wrong so I do hope I make sense in what I say here!)
Like I'm punishing me maybe with my trains of thought right now. I dunno, maybe I want a distraction that only the aftercare of another person can provide!
I do hope that people don't read my blogs and cringe. I can see why they might. Heck, some people might even laugh (in which case, fuck you for not doing something better with your time!) but all the same, communicating is the most I can do right now because as I say, I don't know how I'd have coped without all the support I'm getting from people right now.
I don't thrive on bad feelings, drama and negativity. I assure you that I would love my next batch of weblogs to be about something far more jolly than this!
Well, thanks again people, it's appreciated muchly! I suppose a good question would be to ask how, if you guys have been neglected after a very neglectful scene, what did you do? how did you get your head around it? what did you do with yourself physically? Like I have many goood things in life that do distract me very nicely but not as much as I'd like so yeah, any feedback in this respect is massively welcome.
Stay safe people, watch out for the nutjobs! Can't stress that enough right now!
Laura 
xx
| 3 Mar 10, 10:59 PM Cleric UK(M), 11 yrs    |
You're not ugly in any way shape or form. Now stop talking shite.
Christ, a therapist would have charged you a fortune for that. Manchester FAB Munch | |
| 3 Mar 10, 11:06 PM totallycoverme UK(M), 4 yrs |
unless their best mate was a plastic surgeon
seriously though, thanks It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice | |
| 3 Mar 10, 11:26 PM Eternallee 3 yrs |
The dom concerned can read all the weblogs and boards with out logging on. He probably knows exactly how you feel and that his non appearance is worrying to you. You did write it in the first blog about the threesome, so he has obvioulsy thought, that if he stays away long enough, you will call him to see if he is alright and then he will twist everything, to make you come crawling back. I have had experience of this in an abusive relationship, whereby, i was told that he wasn't speaking to me and it was my fault and if i couldn't figure out what i had done wrong then he wasn't going to explain it to me. A complete and utter headfuck which had me grovelling and begging for him to forgive me, i would do anything for him blah, blah, blah. I had never done anything to upset him, he just wanted to get me in a weak position and succeeded. A few months later he locked me in a coal bunker, knowing full well i am claustrophobic and scared of the dark and arachnophobic. Thats what kind of prick this guy is. He broke your trust(I have read all your blogs about him) from the start pushing your hard limits with no regard for your emotional well being. Believe me, you are far better without him and don't get dragged into his mind games. Be strong, you are worth so much more. Edited for spelling and puntuation! Edited 3 Mar 10, 11:29 PM by Eternallee | |
| 3 Mar 10, 11:35 PM Telesto UK, 8 yrs  |
what she said! you are not going to get closure from that tosser. NOR is he going to magically turn into a decent human being on the strength of what you wrote. He will do it again. Don't go there.
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| 3 Mar 10, 11:56 PM Kali_Ma UK(B), 5 yrs |
You have had a huge knock to your confidence and self esteem, from how you are talking about yourself I strongly recommend you seek some professional help with those thoughts you are having. You are not weak, or sick (or ugly!), but you just need a nudge in the right direction to get you back on track. Go speak to your Doc and see if you can get some help that way... we'll see you fighting back and kicking ass again soon I'm sure! Kali x
It's pronounced 'Car-Lee' *G* | |
| 4 Mar 10, 12:20 AM NickiB UK(BS), 2 yrs |
Beauty, first and foremost, comes from inside yourself? 'Pretty' people can be very ugly really, as you will discover in life. Concentrate on liking yourself - then move that out to liking others. That quality alone will make you attractive. Nicki | |
| 4 Mar 10, 4:26 AM x_poison_x UK(G), 4 yrs |
Have to agree with Kali on this one. I read back through some of your recent blogs and no its not an 'ugly person' thing, in my limited and humble opinion, and i stress i mean no offence - i think its a too much too soon thing. You met this guy for the first time naked in his house in january and he pushed past several hard limits of yours including oral sex, sex in general, anal in the very first night. Another blog then mentions the knife play you've done a month later. And now a 3 sum that didnt go well and that has caused the downward spiral. I truely admire and envy how your able to express such emotion and detail within your blogs and fear this reply will in no way match their eloquence. But i think you need to take some time out - all of a sudden this one person has had a major impact in your life, emotions and feelings you've never had before are running riot and you are frequently expressing your lack of control and understanding about how you feel and what you want. Added to this your general lack of self esteem and self confidence and it has the potential to be a rather severe downward spiral - i would suggest talking to someone and perhaps seeing the doctor for some advice. xxx
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, scotch in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ "WOO HOO what a ride!"" | |
| 4 Mar 10, 7:09 AM kaoskitten 7 yrs |
Come over to ours, kitten will make dinner and you can have hugs x bop_it Bind me, gag me, beat me and make me yours - kk (I have - bop_it | |
| 4 Mar 10, 7:53 AM skadii UK(W), 5 yrs |
That might be where you went wrong. Seriously, those sort of programmes make me angry, with their message that you have to look a certain way to be acceptable, and that the answer to low self-esteem is to be 'pretty'. Fuck that shit. | |
| 4 Mar 10, 8:59 AM astrid_the_spy UK(G), 8 yrs |
I just want to make a few points. You say that you compare yourself to other people and have felt like "you are the ugliest person in the room". Have you ever considered you are not the only person in the room feeling this way? When you look at other women and think they are better looking than you they might very well be looking at you and thinking similar things. Just because someone's outward appearance makes them seem better than you doesn't mean they feel it or are any happier. Being 21 is a terrible age. It will get better. You wrote about a really bad experience you had. That was NOT YOUR FAULT. It was not about how you look, or who you are. You met a wrong one and what happened to you was an abuse of your trust. When people treat you badly or unfairly they are not doing so because of the way you look. They do it because they are not nice or worthy people. They don't deserve your time or attention. If you don't have self confidence then fake it. Act the way someone who does have high feelings of self worth would act. It's not even slightly easy but "fake it, until you make it" is the best way to develop self confidence. Sometimes when I write I can be a bit blunt, and I hope this post hasn't come across that way, because I genuinely feel for you. I remember feeling like you did quite a few years ago now and it was unbelievably painful at the time. It will get better though.
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lol