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| totallycoverme |
There used to be a time when I laughed at the emphasis placed on aftercare. I remember my first ever club night so well where after the play, people were rushing round me with blankets and fizzy drinks and hugs (you legends, this is all after playing with just one person that night) and at the time I thought, "what?! I don't get it, are they cramming drink down me because they think I'm diabetic. Aww they must be hugging me because I'm really popular. I do love this hippy type bdsm people."
But no, aftercare is so so so valuable. I've been lucky in how the support network I have around me made me pray to the man upstairs this morning to say thankyou. Seriously people, the support and niceness and things has been second to none.
I suppose it's only now I'm realising how I feel very weirded out in not having been comforted by the very Dom who caused the hurt. He's still AWOL/MIA and everyones told me that he won't give an explanation so chasing it is futile.
Like I want someone to rub my head better. Like I'll hear the smallest sound or see the smallest sight and it'll get me thinking back to what happened. Or I'll be doing something totally unrelated and the thoughts will still eb there.
I find that I'm being very productive at the moment: too productive maybe. I knwo I need to give myself time to sulk and grieve and scream and all that jazz but right now I just find myself being best off on auto pilot. I don't struggle too much to get to sleep but I do wake up very suddenly in a way that is making me very tired like a zombie and so then again the thoughts back to the whole thing reoccur.
I find myself particularly hilarious in some moments. I managed to be the funny kid when I was back at home/school. It was a coping mechanism. Humour is very powerful. Like I genuinely managed (and am currently) to find hilarity in the most bonkers of things and I don't know if they *are* funny or if I'm just off my head. Maybe it's best not to ask too many more questions right now.
I have some amazing friends of my own age and gender but also, the ones who have been most horrible towards me in my time have also feel into the same category. I MUST NOT start tarring particular people with the same brush. Like I know this girl is vulnerable and all that but seriously, I can't relate to how someone would want to join a scene as a means of making another woman feel like complete and utter shit or also, even if she was less involved with that side of the scene, why would someone want to do casual play where they're treated as a trophey and then fucked off. It baffles me.
I don't understand what it is to not be nice to people. I couldn't do it. Like if someone looks like they're not ok, I ask them about that. I even ask the people on shop tills if it's been a long day and "chin up, hometime will come soon". Crikey! Like I just can't relate to what it is to even be so blind and unaware to others feelings in a way that you could treat them so bad.
So yeah, aftercare is very very valuable and something not to be knocked. I thought it was something exaggerated upon a little to be honest but now I've experienced what it is to not even get a morsel of it after what I am sure was the most upsetting scene of my life just, woah! What! The! Fuck?!
I've been very honest in my talking to people about what happened. Nothing has been fabricated or edited in anyway because this is about helping me rather than slating others. But yeah, with my honest account of what has happened, not ONE person has told me that "hmmm maybe you should give the guy a chance, maybe it wasn't his fault". And that's been right across the board from vanilla people, bdsm people, those who know me very well and those who don't.
He's not been online for 3 days now. That is very very very rare for him (yeah there's a part of me that's chasing after him. Very ironic and bleugh isn't it?!) Maybe he's shocked? Maybe he's traumatised? Maybe he and her have got on the next plane to Rio? (See what tricks my imagination are playing on me, despite I have no doubt that he or she can't run their own lives let alone any bigger operation).
Enough winging. I posted this to say thankyou for the support and for fooks sake people, I will never, ever EVER! think of aftercare as something that only *some* people need/should do again! It's very valuable, nay, I demand that it's necessary.
I am starting to think there are two categories of people who do bdsm (loosely speaking):
Those who can't relate to themselves and others in a way that is healthy and productive and thus their relationships function in an equally poor way. They may or may not use bdsm as a way of getting *close* but *not that close* to people through bdsm, perhaps in the same way that people might execute their time being fuck buddies with someone.
Those who see bdsm as an extension of who they are in the grand scheme of things and can relate to themselves and others in a way that is healthy and productive to the extent that any relationships entered into involve good communication, love, care and a genuine sense of unquestionable compassion. They see bdsm as an important assett that would exist in the long term relationship that they perhaps aspire to having with another person.
For what it's worth, I'm very sure that I fall into the latter category and that is something that I very proudly identify with. I DO want a healthy relationship and I DO want bdsm to be a very important part of that. Thus, it is important for me now to identify peoples characteristics and assess which "category" they best fit in order to have more chance of separating the chocolate from the shit.
I've gone off on a tangent but yeah, I think this is all important stuff and worth noting.
Now, I think when I met this guy, I did question whether he was respecting me on account of pushing my hard limits but I really did enjoy that at the time so it's now very hard for me to identify what, if anything my instincts were telling me (is it? I'm too fucked to think too much into it at the moment). But yeah, I would hope that this formula might be a good one to apply to potential partners and by crikey I'm not in a rush to apply this to anyone else for a good while yet:
Potential partner + Metaphorical inspection with a fine tooth combe = Better informed ability to assess any potential state of suitability.
Righty doke. My head aches now. But yeah, thanks again people! The best thing I can do now is learn from this, granted, I do think I need to slow down to allow myself to grieve so the bollox doesn't come out in other ways. Hmm, I've got plenty of hugs schedualed in and I think a good long sleep sounds like a good immediate plan!
Laura 
xx
| 2 Mar 10, 10:09 PM Kali_Ma UK(B), 5 yrs |
Hang tough bird! *hugs* It's pronounced 'Car-Lee' *G* |
| 3 Mar 10, 12:35 AM Navare UK(B), 9 yrs  |
Hold fast be strong and don't let it turn inward you'll come out stronger and wiser and with more taste... N.x http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/Impulsion_group |
| 3 Mar 10, 1:00 AM T5Tart  UK(MK), 5 yrs  |
*hugs* I know where you are coming from
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~Marilyn Monroe. |
| 3 Mar 10, 6:59 AM kaoskitten 7 yrs |
good to see your working things through slowly, keep doing that and you won't go far wrong. He will stay as he is and continue his ways, you will move forward and have the healthy D.s relationship you aspire too, you will make someone a beautiful sub. Many hugs bop it & kitten xx Bind me, gag me, beat me and make me yours - kk (I have - bop_it |
| 3 Mar 10, 11:55 AM Prunesquallor UK(RG), 7 yrs |
It also helps to have a trusted friend, particularly someone who is successful in relationships, meet any potential partners and tell you what their gut instincts were |
| 5 Mar 10, 12:14 PM The_Counsellor UK(WA), 5 yrs |
Laura, This was tough learning for you! Yes after care is very important and so is pre care. That separates real relating and caring topping/Domming, from selfish, getting a kick, or trying to solve own personality problem bdsm. I'm glad you had reservations and have noticed that. What did you feel when you had them? It's often hard to be clear about an intuitive feeling in the moment. It gets surer with practice and attention. Pushing your limits is exciting. Trying new territory is fun. As a rule of thumb I suggest you need a very good reason to do that with someone you don't know well. Not only can't you be sure what kind of person they are, but also longer term relating and deeper knowledge can give edge play an extra edge. I admire your frankness, and ability to be reflective, and honest about your experiences. There are not 2 kinds of people there is a continuum. You need a way to identify where people are on it, and decide where is the quality control limit for you. Given that some of your earlier posts suggest that you are struggling with your self image and self esteem, find a level, and then up it a few notches, because, I feel, you deserve more than you are asking for. The Counsellor Kink Friendly Counselling and Therapy Let me help you to be the best you that you can be |
