get lost. (4)

Posted by kesriel on Mon 1 Mar 10, 10:03 PM to kesriel's blog.

i want....to get lost.

i want to stop thinking, stop analysing, stop worrying, stop fretting......i want to clear my mind of all the petty mindless things that clutter it up every moment of every day.....i want to stop agonising over my work, my home, finances, silly immaterial concerns that drag across the grey layers of each day....

i want....to get lost.

i want to stop hating my self, my body, my being...i want to stop clutching so heartbreakingly tightly to the iron willed self control i feel that i must have over myself...i want to stop denying my self.

i want....to get lost.

to lose myself....to let go...to feel with my mind and soul and body....to loosen this crushing control and to feel touch....and to revel within it...to desire it....to not only admit that desire to myself but not to feel that annihilating guilt for doing so....to lose myself so utterly within it....to feel it overwhelm me and not fight against it......to feel it bury me within its smoothering folds of warmth that caress my mind and body...

i want to get lost.....in that darkness...where conscious thought ends....and wanton sensations begin....

it has happened....rarely, very rarely....but it has happened....and when it has....i have dragged that willing Companion into the darkness with me....as i have taken so have i given....i have shared the sensations and magnified them back tenfold....i have drifted within the void of thought....i have floated within the scented warmth of space where nothing exists except the amplified sensations of tangled bliss....of muted screams....and deafening heartbeats.....

i want....to get lost

i need....to lose myself

because only then can i allow myself to look in the mirror without distorted vision....and see that i am already lost.

Replies

1 Mar 10, 10:59 PM
tony999
UK, 5 yrs

Moment of Surrender

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

1 Mar 10, 11:43 PM
rebel_angel
UK(RM), 3 yrs

You maybe lost my friend, but we always find you. *Hugs*

Life is a game, it just depends how you play it.
They will not force us, They will stop degrading us, They will not control us, We will be victorious.
The thread of fabrication will unravel with the hands of time.

3 Mar 10, 9:46 PM
trixi69
UK(SO), 5 yrs

fireflame wrote:
I want to share this with you Kesriel.

When I was in hospital, feeling very low, disfigured and sorry for myself, I met this wonderful woman called Mary. She was alot younger than me, but looked alot older, having had a harsh life. She'd already had a leg amputated up to the knee, which started with a blackened toe..which spread and wouldn't heal. Her extremities were dying. One night, standing out in the cold..she was anxious and worried. The doctors had noticed her fingers were blackening and she was losing sensation. They said they would have to amputate them..both hands. Her anxiety wasn't about looks or beauty. She simply said "How the hell am I supposed to push this wheelchair if they take my hands?" Her smile lit up the world, Kesriel, and I was humbled. Sometimes self critisism is an indulgence, but only we can stop it ourselves.

It is amazing how people cope. There is a sign in my local butcher's that has been there all my life (and i'm sure a lot longer) which i think about whenever i am down. It reads "i had no shoes and i complained - and then i saw a man who had no feet".

i know you have low moments kessie my darling, but you have some amazing friends so find yourself in them; learn from them; listen to them and be happy that you have your health and friendships. They really are worth more than anything else in the world.

Love you xx

4 Mar 10, 4:53 PM
SirOpenSource
UK(E), 6 yrs

Hello,

After reading your blog below I was struck with a feeling that quite overwhelmed me. What sense of emotion you protest about appeared, because of its honesty to be inately beautiful.

On reading it I was immediately taken back to a very troublesome time I had when the only song that meant anything to me was 'A world without love' sung by Peter & Gordin. I guess we all go through experiences we wish not to but we emerge stronger and wiser for them.

With the kindest regards

SOS

kesriel wrote:
i want....to get lost.

i want....to get lost.

i want to get lost.....in that darkness...where conscious thought ends....and wanton sensations begin....

i want....to get lost

i need....to lose myself

because only then can i allow myself to look in the mirror without distorted vision....and see that i am already lost.

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. - Mahatma Gandhi
www.Londonmunch.co.uk
Londonmunch@hotmail.com - Enquiries