Bottom vs sub (6)

When i first discovered my kink, I indentified as a sub. But, as time went on, I felt that, like you said, something didn't sit right. After learning more about the lifestyle and myself I discovered that I only want to play when I'm in the mood, and have no desire to serve all the time, hence 'bottom' being a more appropriate title. I think that there is a difference in the terms, but its different strokes for different folks!

What a confusing kinky world we live in

X

"Tell me something that'll change me, I'm gonna love you with my hands tied. Show me your teeth."

Edited 27 Feb 10, 4:53 PM by kinky_kitty

I started out thinking I was submissive. I've since gone almost full circle and now identify more as bottom (well, top/bottom switch really).

I think it can be really quite complicated if you think about it too much. I, like you, am not really submissive in everyday life. Yes, I like to make people I care about happy and it makes me feel good to do things for them but I don't even think of that as being submissive. I think that when you get involved in BDSM, it can almost take over how you view everything and everyone. So normal everyday character traits become either dominant or submissive and if you happen to have a couple of the traits that are associated with one of these labels, you automatically assume that that's what you must be. It's taken me a long time to realise that I just like to see people happy and avoid confrontation wherever possible (unless it's something I feel pretty strongly about or would be detrimental to my children or myself).

Having said that, I am very sexually submissive and always have been (another reason that I assumed at the beginning I was submisive) but as much as I love and crave the sexual control, it's more of a fun, play, almost rolplay thing. A bit of a release more than anything else (and I know exactly why I'm sexually submissive and why that works so well for me). I just couldn't do 24/7 D/s. I'm not into service and don't want my every thought, feeling and action controlled by someone else. I have far too muchc to say for myself to back down and let someone else make decisions on everything (or almost everything)

I've actualy learned to try not to define 'what I am' because it can all get so complicated. If someone asks I say I'm switch. But actualy if it's broken down I suppose I'm a sexaully submissive top/bottom switch with sadistic tendancies. A bit of a mouthful, that, while very discriptive, doesn't really say any more than SM or top/bottom switch does.

I do think it's only natural to think about these things though, particularly when you're reflecting on things that haven't worked in the past and trying to figure out why. That's exactly how I got to where i am now. Ollie and I have tried loads of different things and now know (more or less) what works and what doesn't. We try to keep it pretty simple now. We are what we are and we like what we like. It doesn't fall into any particular category or traditional BDSM dynamic type and it really doesn't have to.

@Strictly_SnM discussion group
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgZ4s7ThoG8
-:Marquis DeSade:- There are thorns everywhere, but along the path of vice, roses bloom above them.

Edited 27 Feb 10, 7:35 PM by Incandescence

I'm a little too selfish of my own wants and needs to consider someone else's as more important than mine !

I tend to just call myself a masochist these days, it seems simpler than trying to explain that although sexually submissive, I don't generally submit (besides I really don't like being called a bottom!)

A sweet disorder in the dress, kindles in clothes a wantonness...

I suppose that because I'm the reflective type and am generally curious about the way I behave, how I react to things, people, events etc I do spend quite a lot of time thinking about the role bdsm has in my life, where it fits, where I fit with it etc etc This is probably normal when you discover something new and exciting that you want to immerse yourself in.

Words like top, bottom, submissive etc can be useful in that in my head they are associated with certain types of being, acting etc and part of the exploring process is trying each one on for fit...and then observing where it does and doesn't. And like most things in life it turns out to be a bit of this and a bit of that.

Like you Lima I am sexually submissive, certainly have a strong sadistic streak, but also like pain (in the right way and places!), mostly like to recieve and be the one getting all the attention but often want to be the one delivering....so that comes out in the mixing bowl as a delicious bit of everything (or a dog's dinner as my mum might put it!!).

I have to say it's rather wonderful to discover that I am a whole hotchpotch of different things, that I don't have to restrict myself to anything in particular and that I can enjoy and revel in all of those different aspects of myself

I'm a very independent, strong-willed and competent human being. I like being both submissive and masochistic in the bedroom. I find that my relationship to pain is enhanced when I fully submit to my dominant. I also find that pain drives my submission deeper.

When I first started to explore all of this, I thought I would only ever be a bottom, or a bedroom submissive. But over time, I became more interested in submission. I vacillated between wanting 24/7 submission with all the slavery bells and whistles and just wanting to define certain areas where I would submit. But each time I tried any of it with someone, it somehow all went wrong. I still don't know how much of that was my fault and how much was theirs. I do know that I was meeting a 'worse' sort of man when I was out there looking for 24/7 submission. That's not to classify all such dominants as bad eggs. Perhaps it says more about the choices I made.

But when I did happen onto a good guy, I found that the relationship evolved somewhat differently than either of us imagined or discussed in the beginning. Then, to further complicate things, I switch - and I've found that a lot of doms are interested in exploring the bottom, at least from time to time (though few will admit it in public.) So, how do you define a relationship where you're submissive to your partner, but top him from time to time - at his request? For me, each relationship developed its own synergy and the labels became not only unimportant but also inadequate within the context of the interactions between us.

Now, for the first time in my life, I'm with a man who is able to completely allow me to be my independent, strong-willed, competent self, who gives me everything I want, and yet still inspires and accepts my submission to him. He doesn't overpower me with his will, my needs are met, and yet, obedience is a part of our dynamic. I can't really explain it any better than that without getting too personal. But what I am trying to say is that the labels and the definitions can be fluid. The important thing is the understanding, trust and acceptance that characterize a strong relationship. I think a good relationship is one that allows both people to not only freely be who they are, but also causes them to flourish in their own self-discovery and self-knowledge.

Did that even make sense?

love the brave but avoid cowards, knowing the gratitude of cowards is small ~Praxilla of Sicyon

Particularly liked this

This is like the holy grail of relationships!

And it's reassuring to know that other people also make 'interesting' choices in people before the right one appears.