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| The_Counsellor |
I talk to a lot of people about feelings of anxiety concerning sexual and fetish desires. Feeling anxious, and worrying about being "normal" or "abnormal", "weird" and "sane" seems to be very common. It's a shame that so many people's sexuality is troubled by such feelings.
I'm talking about some very common and harmless fetishes. If however, you fantasise about something that could seriously harm you or another, I strongly recommend you are anxious enough about it, to seek help, to talk about, and manage those feelings.
It's not good to see such anxiety over desires such as: for spanking, to have a powerful lover take control and carry us off into an altered state, dress as the opposite sex, or to play with handcuffs or bondage rope. It seems some fashion in what's socially acceptable in BDSM practices operates here. Some fetishes become more mainstream acceptable, and those social/moral fashions change. This creates a lot of anxiety and guilt in people who have fetish and BDSM desires.
Desires like this are often formed in early life through a significant event. The event may well take place before awakening of sexual awareness. Whether the event is before or after sexual awakening, the event, and the desire it triggers, may well lie dormant in the psyche for many years before being activated or triggered. It is not uncommon to be suddenly overwhelmed with powerful, erotic feelings in your 40's or 50's. When exploring these feelings it is not uncommon to find that an event which triggered these feelings occurred before age 10 or in teenage years.
Many people begin to experience desires, and try to suppress them due to guilt and shame. One thing that is certain is that it will not go away. Feelings may wax and wane over time. They are far too embedded in the subconscious to disappear. Trying not to fantasise tends to make the fantasies only more common and more powerful and often leads to obsession. That does not mean that the fantasies have to be acted out.
Many people, because of their choice to be monogamous with a partner who does not share the fetish, choose not to act out the fantasy. However this choice is not comfortable if associated with guilt and attempts to suppress the fantasy.
The best way to manage a fantasy, acted out or not, is to accept the desire as "normal" and "healthy", keep a balanced life with lots of other activities and interests and enjoy the pleasure that comes from the fetish in ways that are congruent with your values.
If you are troubled by guilt or anxiety about your desire, or by obsessive feelings about it, talk about the problem. Find a trustworthy friend, or someone on the scene, or a counsellor such as myself. There is no need to suffer. You are most likely perfectly normal, sane and emotionally healthy and with some adjustment can enjoy your sexuality without emotional pain.
| 26 Feb 10, 7:56 AM katie_may UK, 7 yrs  |
i have a badge that says "im not weird im gifted" daughter bought me it when i first started to gather information about bdsm i went through a huge guilt trip, especially when i explained it to my then boyfriend, he looked at me, and acted like i had given him the plague eventually i gave guilt a kick up the backside, it was starting to cripple me internally so i had to i figured if it was a desire within me, then it was worthy of my attention, at least to consider, and sod what society preaches guilt does far too much damage for a false feeling! guilt belongs to, when you do something really, really wrong and know you shouldn't have anything under that should just be a lesson learned
show me something different xkx |
