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Am I a Dom or really a sub. (46)

This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.

17 Feb 10, 7:45 AM
ClassAct2005
UK(N), 7 yrs

Yes, if it's a dom with a sub.I suppose that's the question. She lets you do things. She is aware of your kink. Plenty of girlfriends allow that. If she's sub she'll like things I suggest and obviously if someone has past trauma then even if you're dominant you're careful over that and avoid certain things. If she's not, then she might well tolerate some physical things but might not like my kind of suggestions which to me seem very sexy.

Good luck with it.

RiverDance wrote:

ClassAct2005 wrote:
Try being dominant in general in the relationship, tell her what to eat when you're out, what to wear, be in charge (if she's into that). Then may be ditch the rope etc adn if she asks just say I[m not doing that tonigh and you're going to do exactyl what I say. If she protests gag her and spank her (if you're in that sort of relationship). In other words do it for real, not as a game and do fewer complex things.

This is so true, its all about you and to introduce it into your day to day relationship is both the icing on the cake and reinforces the D/s dynamic between you - be you and take what you want and you can still care for her and her wellbeing.

17 Feb 10, 12:42 PM
tallulahme
UK, 2 yrs

If you didn't care then you would be an abuser not a Dom,

Good for you for caring and seeking advice.

T x

17 Feb 10, 2:35 PM
merrynb99
UK(SL), 6 yrs

My impression is that it could be one of two things:

1. You're so busy pleasing her, you've forgotten to just do stuff to please yourself. Stop putting her needs first (in the best possible sense, you know what I mean!) and go to it, man!

2. You're wanting a "fight-back" kind of sub, who struggles and fights and wriggles in the knots before collapsing into submission. Sometimes a submissive who just lies there and floats off can leave a dom feeling ... well, kind of unfulfilled

Would your girlfriend be offended if you opted for a casual non-sexual encounter with a rope bunny who likes to fight back? Just an experiment to see how that makes you feel ...

A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika (D. Parker)

17 Feb 10, 5:32 PM
El_Presidente
UK(G), 4 yrs

In light of your second post, I'm just thinking maybe it would help if you separated the kinky stuff from the sex stuff, just for the time being.

It sounds like she's hung up on sex rather than kink, so maybe you could have your play in a kink sense, but define some boundaries (e.g. no penetration, or she gets to keep her pants on) so that you can 'let go' a bit more, and hopefully she can start to enjoy it for its own sake. Afterwards, you could still do th sex bit, but just be very gentle with her at that point. Eventually, hopefully, you'd then be able to re-combine the two.

Just a thought.

"I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!" ~ W. Bailey

17 Feb 10, 6:58 PM
miss_two_in_one
UK(BN), 2 yrs

I've not long explored my Domme side and I was and still am nervous about it and sometimes it works a treat and others it falls a bit flat but I'm learning and enjoying myself immensely. But, I tend to take the greatest pleasure in seeing him enjoying our play. My first concern is that he's ok and between us we got a huge amount of delight out of it. So, don't fret too much, 'cause it sounds like you're on the right lines

17 Feb 10, 7:11 PM
Incandescence
UK, 3 yrs

ropeydarron wrote:

I think lima_pink_tigress may have hit upon the heart of it:

Your absolutely right, my g/f was vanilla when we met and I introduced her to this life. And I think you nailed it when you said I'm trying to make sure she enjoys it.

I know this life doesn't mean as much to her as it does to me, so I'm careful not to force the issue.

That's understandable and actually very commendable, Dom or not. I'd continue to do that and try to guage what she really likes and build on slowly.

ropeydarron wrote:

I'm following the slow and soft approach. But holding myself back is frustrating me sexually. The amount of kinky porn I look at has risen considerably, It's like I need to get my fix elsewhere.

I know the first thing your all gonna holler at me is 'talk to her!'

There in lies another problem <snip>

And talking about sex is hard, she clams up. It really does become like pulling teeth when we talk about Kinky stuff. I know she want's to talk but she finds it really hard to understand what she wants to say and even harder to get it out. Needless to say I am understanding and sensitive. I don't want to push as it is really sensitive for her.

I can completely understnad this and empathise with her. I find it painfully difficult ot talk about sex - particularly when it involves me and what I want and like. The first time a partner started to talk about it (and funnily enough it was my first BDSM partner) afterwards (the old post match analysis) I was totally dumbstruck. I couldn't believe he expected me to tell him what I thought, how I felt etc, probably because I didn't expect a man to care what, if anything, had worked for me. But it got easier and actually helped a lot.

So, quite apart from the fact that she finds it difficult and probably embarrassing to talk about sex, it could be that it's a whole new concept to her that a man would pay any interest to what she does and doesn't like/want.

Perhaps you could ask her to write you a short story containing a couple of her fantasies. Nothing too in depth and certainly not the type of fantasies that she woulndn't want to/be entirely comfortable with make(ing) real. Then try introducing a couple of these very slowly a bit at a time and if she can't talk about afterwards, again ask her to write about it, how it made her feel, what she did and didn't enjoy. She may even be more comfortable with you speaking to her about these things once she's already put them on paper and you've read them.

ropeydarron wrote:

So here's what I 'think' being a submissive means for her. It allows her not to think or worry about what's happening as she is not in control of it, it's not her responsibility anymore, it's mine. And boy do I feel it.

And this time (I think) you've hit the nail on the head. I completely identify with that. It's very liberating to be able to free yourself from the responsibility of something that you find pleasureable but are slightly uncomfortable admitting to wanting or actually asking for. I don't have any hang ups as such about sex but my upbringing has shaped my attitude towards it and makes it very difficult for me to admit, even to myself, that this is what I want and enjoy, and more importantly to realise that's it's ok to want it and to enjoy it. It sounds as though she is experiencing the same.

I think that all you can do to try and help that is to ensourage her to talk (or write) about her feelings, wants, desires and to reassure her that no matter what, you will never judge or think any less of her. It won't solve the problem overnight, but it will go a long way to relaxing her and helping her on what is a very long and arduous road to realising that enjoying sex is actually ok.

ropeydarron wrote:

I know she has these hang ups so I'm always conscious of them. I can't seem to let go enough to actually 'be' a Dom and do what I want. If this is the only way she can enjoy sex, then I want to make sure that she does actually enjoy it.

We've been living together long enough now that I know she trust's me and is happy to join in with my kinky desires- a lot in fact. but I think the problem is now me, I've conditioned myself to be almost paranoid about her during play that it's getting in the way.

Does she have a safeword? I'm guessing yes. Therefore you're not going to do anything that she really doesn't want to do or that will harm her. She won't let you.

You're obviously very switched on to her and considerate of her feelings. You'll know when it's right to crank it up a notch. Just take it very slowly.

Have you thought about asking her to watch some D/s type movies with you? Something not too heavy - maybe 9 1/2 weeks which is very tame and pretty erotic without being hard porn. The secretary is also a good one which incorporates a bit of humour and again not porn(y). This might help to relax her and encourage her to talk abotu what's in them. I find it much easier to talk about things that don't pertain directly to me.

You could also ask her to watch some soft 'vanilla' porn with you just to try to loosen her up a bit more and get her discussing things more openly.

I would also say that I think what El_Pres said about seperating BDSM from intercourse could be beneficial. Less of a link with trauma/worry/emabrrassment and more with sensation and sensuality might help take the pressure off and allow you to push a bit further with the kink as a seperate entity.

good luck. I really hope you find something that works and makes you both happy.

If you're gonna fiddle, you have to be prepared to get wet!