This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Fri 12 Feb 10, 10:14 PM ropeydarron UK, 6 yrs  |
Ok I'm feeling very confused right now and either need a little clarification or re-assurance or something. I think I'm clearly a Dom, I have fantasies about tying girls up and playing with then and being in charge and what not but... I have a real hard time doing all that with my girlfriend. She knows of my kink, in fact she actively wants to participate in it with me. She lets me tie her and command her and play with her and all the fun stuff I've wanted to do since I was a teen. The only problem it I can't enjoy it! I'm too preoccupied with making sure she's ok, that nothing is wrong, that she's not having any problems, that the ropes aren't too tight etc, etc, etc. I just don't seem to be able to 'enjoy her', if you get what I mean. I leave a scene feeling very down, unfulfilled and unsatisfied. I'm pretty sure I'm not a sub, I have absolutely no fantasies about that at all. But I'm so focussed on pleasing my sub when I have her I just don't feel pleased myself. I don't know what to do. I care about this girl a lot (as in 'the one' a lot). but these feelings are messing with my head. Maybe the question shouldn't be am I a sub but am I just a rubbish Dom? | |
| 12 Feb 10, 10:22 PM BerryBlack UK(N), 4 yrs  |
It sounds to me like you might just need to relax and not worry about it too much. With more experience of doing things, you'll grow in confidence that you're doing them well and that your sub's all right and enjoying it too, so then you'll enjoy it more. I think that could be part of it, anyway. I've sometimes felt like I'm not very good at being Domme too and a lot of it's down to how often I've played with someone because it's taken a few times of playing before it's come naturally. | |
| 12 Feb 10, 10:24 PM El_Presidente UK(G), 4 yrs   |
You don't sound rubbish at all! I think your attitude bodes very well for a safe, healthy kink relationship. It sounds like the only reason you're not enjoying it at the moment is that you're probably just lacking a little confidence in your abilities. With a little practice and positive feedback, I should imagine those feelings will quickly subside. Also, you haven't really indicated how much your girlfriend actually enjoys the play. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case, but if you feel like she's just humouring you, then that's probably not going to do much for your confidence. On the other hand, if you can see that she's absolutely loving it, then that will help you to relax into your role. | |
| 12 Feb 10, 10:25 PM WideEyedMinx UK(N), 2 yrs |
It means that you will be a perfect dom for your sub, one who takes and abuses her, yet cares for her .. just relax and enjoy it !! That sort of top is the best sort in my opinion. Have fun 
It's a beautiful world, just enjoy it. | |
| 12 Feb 10, 10:29 PM Eclectic_shock UK(SW), 7 yrs |
You got to it at the end and the issue is how you regard the "proper" behaviour of a "dom". It's about perceptions. I personally spend a lot of time ensuring that Bushy is comfy BUT actually...it's about communication - what does she want? ...stand by, discussing it... Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Bloody Satnav | |
| 12 Feb 10, 10:37 PM Eclectic_shock UK(SW), 7 yrs |
Think the girly's have covered it.^ Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Bloody Satnav | |
| 12 Feb 10, 10:40 PM lima_pink_tigress 3 yrs |
I think it's only natural to be concerned about the safety and wellbeing of someone you care about when you have them in a compromising, *helpless* position and are 'doing stuff' to them. I know I am. And the fact that you take her safety and happiness into account too is IMO a good thing. Quite often the things that we fantasise about are not the same in real life. You've had years of practice to perfect your fantasies and with the best will in the world, I find they're never exactly the same in real life. the other point that I picked up on is that your girlfriend "is aware of your kink" and "lets" you tie her up and do stuff to her. That would suggest to me that she is/was 'vanilla'. maybe you're overly concerned about doing something that she doesn't like and trying to make sure she enjoys it so that she'll want to do it again - understandable. I'd say as others have said. Relax, dont' try so hard and be natural and it should all fall into place. Good luck In order to know virtue, we must first aquaint ourselves with vice - Marquis De Sade Edited 12 Feb 10, 10:51 PM by lima_pink_tigress | |
| 12 Feb 10, 10:46 PM KinkyRoly UK(OX), 3 yrs |
The alternative is to loudly yell at her to 'Suffer Bitch' and do nothing to ease her discomfort. Ok she'll probably leave you and you'll be left without a play partner, but you'll then be a genuine Uber Dom and able to pontificate in on-line discussions. On the other hand, you could stay exactly as you are, as a loving, caring Dom with a real-life play partner who values and respects you. You'll both discover more together and you will soon get to know when things aren't right, so you won't need to check so overtly on her well being. As you get to know her limits and your limitations, things will work so much better anyway and your skills will develop. I'm always inclined to err on the side of caution when I play with a new person and while a few have mentioned afterwards that I could have gone further/harder, they have always been happy to come back for more. | |
| 12 Feb 10, 10:56 PM The_Perfect_Sadist UK(PO), 4 yrs |
And your point is . . . ?
There is more than one way to skin a cat but there is only one try per cat | |
| 12 Feb 10, 11:10 PM x_zero_x UK(DD), 10 yrs |
what i was gonna say when i saw the title and indeed, after reading your post, would only echo what others have said. However let me tell you this, i am sub, have been all my life, there is an ex of mine out there who i had tied to a park bench in the wee small hours, that, on command, went into the toilet at work several times one day and masturbated herself, almost to the point of orgasm, then stopped and various other tasks during our time together. Does that sound like the acts of a sub? No, that was just what was right for that relationship. i am currently involved, one way or another, with a girl right now (not quite sure to what level myself, lol) but she is fairly vanilla, she has Domme and Sadistic tendencies and there are things i want to do with her but, most of our activities in the bedroom and out are pretty vanilla. Basically, do what works for you both! "The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~Friedrich Nietzsche | |
| 12 Feb 10, 11:10 PM KinkyRoly UK(OX), 3 yrs |
My point is in the second paragraph. |
