Choked (with loss) (5)

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Posted by poutanaki on Fri 12 Feb 10, 1:06 AM to poutanaki's blog.

Choked.

So this is what grief feels like. When you let it out.

It's almost two years since my sister died, and this is the first time since then that I am letting myself feel grief, without trying to lock it away, without hiding from it.

I feel that my epiphany last year has changed me, I think I gave myself the permission then to feel. To let go of the anger and the guilt and the pain... to just feel loss.

It washed through me then, and it does again now, I feel steeped in it.

I hoped last night I would dream her, because then I might hear her voice, then it might feel real. I woke up this morning feeling crushed, because she isn't here and I miss her so much.

This evening on my own I've cried and cried, but that's ok. If anything, if anyone deserved these tears then she did.

I can mourn now for all that she was and all that I've lost. I'm not afraid to feel this anymore.

Replies

12 Feb 10, 1:14 AM
PiercedKnight
UK(WC), 2 yrs

poutanaki wrote:
Choked.

I've just read your blog and become speechless with and in thought.

I have nothing to say that I could offer you as a stranger. I just want you to know that I have nothing to say to offer you.

Instead, I'd like to offer you and your sister's memory, my silent empathy.

"I'm just a bloody normal bloke. A normal bloke who likes a bit of torture" Mark 'Chopper' Read
"Do you think there's a fetish for STD's? Sick cunts!" Indeed, quite literally. H&S Police
"If you hit me like that again, I will vomit and possibly shit a kidney. Just so you know, dear" Miss A Fan

12 Feb 10, 8:30 AM
Masters_Delight
UK(WD), 4 yrs

*hugs*

I'm so fucking fabulous, i piss glitter.

12 Feb 10, 12:58 PM
StanBWonderful
UK(L), 6 yrs

Oh sweety, if only I had the words to make it better for you.

Just remember that there are people in the world who know you, love you and feel for you when you hurt.

*hugs you*

12 Feb 10, 4:42 PM
res4sub
6 yrs

big hugs to you, I hope the memories that you have with her keep you going through this hard time.

If you want to talk, you can always message me

rhi xxx

'Would it be a bad thing if I just strangled you with these right now?'
'As long as you look at me, whilst youre strangling me, I'd be fine with that!'

12 Feb 10, 5:52 PM
Relaxed_and_Chaotic
UK(SE), 3 yrs

i know and understand the sheer hurt and momentous anguish that a close loss means.... i am glad you are allowing yourself to feel these things, because only after you do can you begin to heal.

My heart goes out to you x

"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master." D. H. Lawrence
www.greenwichmunch.co.uk