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Casual play partners.. (12)

Posted by felis_silvestris on Tue 9 Feb 10, 8:40 PM to felis_silvestris's blog.

ok so it seems that in this lifestyle one has to accept the fact that casual play partners are often the only way to get what we need...

I'll admit, it doesn't appeal to me. Play is a very intense, personal experience and my interests are linked closely to sex.

It's so f*cking difficult trying to find a someone I have chemistry with to begin with, then there's everything else in the mix! So I accept the fact that the word 'casual' has to come into it to begin with, in fact that's how it all starts but I'd prefer it to be with 1 person and not go from 1 person to another and so on.....

So.. I find that one casual play partner... I'm very flexible, in fact, couldn't be more flexible if I try. I go to him and not exactly next door neighbours either. I also wait until HE wants to play or when it's convenient for him. Very bloody obliging if you ask me.. but our interests are so similar, worth that really.

And then... without a word of warning... he deletes his profile (not on here by the way).

Ok so now I'm left with submissive feelings towards someone who has taken me places i've never been before and who I hoped could take me to more places... who's a complete out and out bastard!....

I hate firstly being a woman.. secondly being a submissive woman.. and thirdly having no control over things like this. Quite the dichotomy...

I quite often want to turn my back on this new found me and this moment is just one of those....

Oh and this blog will probably self destruct at some point.

Signed: Jaded and cynical in Manchester.

Edited Tue 9 Feb 10, 9:43 PM by felis_silvestris

Replies

9 Feb 10, 9:54 PM
felis_silvestris
UK(M), 3 yrs

Ok.. I've allowed replies on this because I am receiving memos which wasn't my intention.

I think what isn't considered in a situation such as this is the emotional damage that can be caused to someone who has shared themselves with someone not just physically but emotionally and mentally..

Quite often (in fact mostly) no two people feel the same at the same time obviously so these things are going to, and do happen. But when D/s is part of the mix there is a sense of responsibility surely? Or should be... it is quite something to develop feelings of subservience to someone, to open yourself up to them in ways you never have before.. then to have that severed without any form of communication, is harsh.

Someone suggests not opening myself up to someone.. how do I do this when I have decided to submit? Do I just submit the physical and not the emotional?

Someone sent me this link recently and I read it with great interest... I relate to this in lots of ways, in particular the character I have developed over the years and also in terms of those that I am naturally drawn to. To me, quite often, the feeling of subservience is not something I can choose and when it is there, it is very apparent to the person it is aimed towards.

http://www.steel-door.com/High_End_Submissive.ht...

On reflection.. some people are just born TW*TS!!

If I take you from behind, push myself into your mind When you least expect it, will you try to reject it? Give it up, do as I say; Give it up and let me have my way..

Edited 9 Feb 10, 10:05 PM by felis_silvestris

9 Feb 10, 10:42 PM
Grownup_Frankie
UK, 4 yrs

Is it something you can avoid?

Is it something you can 'fix'?

What kind of animal are you?

Do you have spots? Or stripes?

Can you do anything about what kind of animal you are?

Can you BE any other kind of animal?

And vice a versa.

(probably)

*smile*

9 Feb 10, 11:03 PM
Scribbles
UK(RH), 4 yrs

Yes. I soooooooo agree with you about the emotional side. I played with someone who was completely supportive and helpful, but I still got knocked sideways by it for a while afterwards. I think there's a real emotional art to enjoying casual play and keeping your sanity. I hope you find a more suitable partner. It took me ages to find someone, and I take each day as it comes - might be short-lived. But it did happen. I hope later on you will be able to remember more the positive things from the experience.

9 Feb 10, 11:05 PM
Scribbles
UK(RH), 4 yrs

There was a thread in which rose-in-chains posted a very helpful reply, I'll find a link -

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/262900/2/... - and the whole thread I found very good.

Edited 9 Feb 10, 11:06 PM by Scribbles

9 Feb 10, 11:06 PM
Grownup_Frankie
UK, 4 yrs

Or in other words - you know I have personally asked Mother Universe to send you Mr Right, and you know I have faith in Her...but even I don't know what to do about the fact that your ideal Mr Right might be Mr Wrong.

Is it possible for an animal to change its spots or its stripes?

Would it be the same animal?

There may be no solution other than acceptance - or radical surgery!

9 Feb 10, 11:12 PM
felis_silvestris
UK(M), 3 yrs

Scribbles wrote:
There was a thread in which rose-in-chains posted a very helpful reply, I'll find a link -

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/262900/2/... - and the whole thread I found very good.

I'm going to paste her reply in here, I hope she doesn't mine. Primarily because this describes, startlingly accurately exactly the place where I am and where I don't want to go but seems I must... Thank you

As someone who hasn't been in a 'relationship' for some time, I can say that sometimes it's bloody hard to deal and its why I play only with people who I know are first my friends before they're my play partners. Although, because I'm not in a relationship, the play can be characterised more as SM than D/s, I still get into that natural zone where I want to please, where I feel, for those moments, possessed by the Dom/top.

The intensity of the violence, or the pain, or the psychological fear, generally means that I feel an emotional connection that isn't real, that is only mixed up in the play. Sometimes that connection can linger, and whilst I know it's not real, the feeling still feels real... (not putting this very well..) It can make the next day/days hard to deal with, the stark reality of being alone, not getting the same levels of after-care, not feeling the right to intrude on their life which you are not part of, but its where its important for me to know that the person who made me feel that way, is a friend. I couldn't go through what playing does to me with someone who I didn't think would be in my life on some other level.

Recently I've been discovering that I *can* be quite comfortable with playing with no emotional attachments. It's been quite a liberating journey and for the first time (ever) I don't feel so insecure in myself. But, there are still moments when I am hurting the next day when I want to snuggle up to the person that hurt me, but of course he's not there.. I need to be very aware of the tell-tale signs of dropping at those times (and I do wonder if sub-drop is more of a risk for those outside of relationships as a result, although that's for a different thread...)

I hope that kind of makes sense...

Edited to add: I think as well it is why I don't play with only one person... My ranch* gives me the comfort of keeping that emotional barrier separate; whilst I want to want to be monogamous (from a play perspective), the ranch helps me stay detached and protects my emotions - and also protects the Dom/mely ones from the unwanted attentions of an insecure sub...

If I take you from behind, push myself into your mind When you least expect it, will you try to reject it? Give it up, do as I say; Give it up and let me have my way..

9 Feb 10, 11:17 PM
Grownup_Frankie
UK, 4 yrs

I know I'm not communicating well tonight - its 'old soul' energy feeding me lines, even I don't know what I mean sometimes!

This is what I mean:

You HAVE to open yourself up, don't you? Or else whats the point?

You are going to have to keep taking the risk of being hurt, or you are going to have to change yourself utterly.

But you know what you risk - and you know what you risk it for. You know what you will gain.

Edited 9 Feb 10, 11:18 PM by Grownup_Frankie

9 Feb 10, 11:26 PM
ThePhilanthropist
4 yrs

Hi,

you're not alone in this situation... You seem to have done all the right things... It didn't work out this time. One day you'll probably know why, right now the answers are hidden somewhere, all the pieces of the jigsaw being scattered around...

Life is never as good or as bad as one might expect... It's only life...

Remember, above the clouds, the sun shines...

Peace

I'm only a filthy philanderer...

9 Feb 10, 11:29 PM
felis_silvestris
UK(M), 3 yrs

Grownup_Frankie wrote:
I know I'm not communicating well tonight - its 'old soul' energy feeding me lines, even I don't know what I mean sometimes!

This is what I mean:

You HAVE to open yourself up, don't you? Or else whats the point?

You are going to have to keep taking the risk of being hurt, or you are going to have to change yourself utterly.

But you know what you risk - and you know what you risk it for. You know what you will gain.

I understand you completely darling... there were just too many No's in my answer to you for me to be able to handle putting it into words... without well.. tears. (Oh so NOW I can cry!!!)....

If I take you from behind, push myself into your mind When you least expect it, will you try to reject it? Give it up, do as I say; Give it up and let me have my way..

10 Feb 10, 12:57 AM
Grownup_Frankie
UK, 4 yrs

Hey honey.

I still have faith that Mother Universe will place you in the path of a Tiger that has grace as well as strength.

Lick your wounds, pussycat.

*smile*

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