14 Feb 10, 8:36 AM
Sorceror
UK(HU), 9 yrs
 |
irishjoe wrote:
femdom D/s and mutual respect
Hi,
I am currently playing with someone who is a wonderful Domme. We are purely play partners as she has said she would not like a relationship with me and that play is fun. Please note that i am not really into having casual play partners and this is my first time. i feel though as i am submitting more and more and she is testing my limits more and more that she is losing respect for me as a person outside of play. i know it is hard to find someone compatible enough to be with in BDSM particular femdom but surely i should not be made feel like shit for caring for someone. It is hard for me not to get attached to someone i am submitting too (as i do not submit to just any Domme). Sometime i hate this lifestyle as although vanilla is boring at least it is more straightforward. This Domme breaths hot and cold all the time, one minute texting me out of nowhere telling me that she wants to do this and that and the next telling me to f off for contacting her so regularly...(once a day...how are you doing text...is that too much?)
Anyways i just wanted to get your views on mutual respect in a femdom relationship. i am not talking about equality as the power exchange has been agreed but more about respect of another human being.
Anyways i dont know where her recent coldness to me has come from. Last time we met we had a great time and we were talking non stop for a few days after that all of a sudden out of nowhere she drops all communications and wants to be with her mates. i dont know what i did wrong. Sometimes i think i submitted too easily but then thats what i thought was expected of me. This is f-ing with my head and although the play is great i am getting itchy feet to try and find and serve a more consistent Domme....
Am i mad or just another bloke that does not understand girls be they domme, switch or sub?
Thanks
|
If Freud couldn't understand women you're being very optimistic to try.
My general rule of ALL relationships with women - never be 100% available. You always need to leave them wanting that little bit more than they're getting. Why ? Because over availability is death to a relationship - as soon as they feel that you are under their feet all the time and stifling them the relationship nosedives. I have however made errors in the past by under cutting - it's a tricky balance. Aim for about 90 - 95% of what SHE wants.
Your problem is that you want far more of her than she wants of you. And the more you push it the more you'll alienate her. Plus there's a Domme shortage so at the moment she has the upper hand across the board.
First - you have the RIGHT to keep looking for someone else. You want a relationship, she just wants a play partner. If you DO find someone however as soon as ANYTHING sexual happens you need to disclose to both parties - and with the new person BEFORE anything sexual happens. Dinner - non - disclosable. Chaste kiss on the cheek on leaving - non - disclosable. Snogging - disclosable.
Second - you HAVE to re-establish some balance in the relationship. DON'T text her until she texts you first. When you get a text don't reply immediately if it doesn't need an immediate answer - make her wait. When she asks to see you if it's feasible try to put back the time half an hour from what she suggests on some grounds. Don't just turn up late though - that's rude.
But you need to balance this out. When you do reply to the text put some effort into the response - BUT NO EMOTIONS. At this stage you DO NOT tell her anything about your feelings for her at all. If it's appropriate bring her gifts that she'll appreciate when you do see her. Again - don't make a big issue over them - no "I spent hours looking for the right one..." just "I saw this, thought you might like it...". Put some real effort into your sessions to please her.
IF this works out you'll have her posting on a board in no time asking how she can make her relationship with her sub work. He's great when he's around but he just doesn't seem emotionally connected to her any more. You will have some measure of control.
Good luck.
S.x.
P.S. Warning - women are unpredictable. This SHOULD work and is likely to be a lot more effective than you moping around after her all the time like a wet week in Blackpool. But there are no guarantees. |
14 Feb 10, 1:15 PM
cough_cough
UK(W), 4 yrs
£
|
Sorceror wrote:
If Freud couldn't understand women you're being very optimistic to try.
My general rule of ALL relationships with women - never be 100% available. You always need to leave them wanting that little bit more than they're getting. Why ? Because over availability is death to a relationship - as soon as they feel that you are under their feet all the time and stifling them the relationship nosedives. I have however made errors in the past by under cutting - it's a tricky balance. Aim for about 90 - 95% of what SHE wants.
Your problem is that you want far more of her than she wants of you. And the more you push it the more you'll alienate her. Plus there's a Domme shortage so at the moment she has the upper hand across the board.
First - you have the RIGHT to keep looking for someone else. You want a relationship, she just wants a play partner. If you DO find someone however as soon as ANYTHING sexual happens you need to disclose to both parties - and with the new person BEFORE anything sexual happens. Dinner - non - disclosable. Chaste kiss on the cheek on leaving - non - disclosable. Snogging - disclosable.
Second - you HAVE to re-establish some balance in the relationship. DON'T text her until she texts you first. When you get a text don't reply immediately if it doesn't need an immediate answer - make her wait. When she asks to see you if it's feasible try to put back the time half an hour from what she suggests on some grounds. Don't just turn up late though - that's rude.
But you need to balance this out. When you do reply to the text put some effort into the response - BUT NO EMOTIONS. At this stage you DO NOT tell her anything about your feelings for her at all. If it's appropriate bring her gifts that she'll appreciate when you do see her. Again - don't make a big issue over them - no "I spent hours looking for the right one..." just "I saw this, thought you might like it...". Put some real effort into your sessions to please her.
IF this works out you'll have her posting on a board in no time asking how she can make her relationship with her sub work. He's great when he's around but he just doesn't seem emotionally connected to her any more. You will have some measure of control.
Good luck.
S.x.
P.S. Warning - women are unpredictable. This SHOULD work and is likely to be a lot more effective than you moping around after her all the time like a wet week in Blackpool. But there are no guarantees.
|
I am laughing, this is so funny........ how come you know us women so well, or a certain type of women, like ME.....LOL
I would certainly agree and reiterate to the original poster that being too available is not a good idea. It's a bit like 'hide and seek', hide a while and let her seek......
Give her a little bit of a challenge. Why is it that some men are so 'easy' (shaking my head). I like a challenge and I know that as a woman I am not alone on this.
And yes, don't go all emotional..... let her wonder a bit about you, let her do a bit of work figuring out what is going on.
When she can't have enough of you, states you are the man for her and seems to be loosing her control, her poise...... then you can give her a little, but just a little....... regarding what she means to you.
"It's not what people say, but what they DO that counts"
Edited 14 Feb 10, 1:27 PM by cough_cough
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14 Feb 10, 1:41 PM
chartreuse
UK(BA), 6 yrs
 |
There are some answers here that I agree with and some that I don't.
If it has been made clear what is expected, don't play games; if it isn't clear... ask for clarification. It shouldn't be a game (unless both have agreed that it is).
The trouble with some intimate relationships is that some people think it means something to the other person (even though they've been told it doesn't) and... the other person thinks it's just enjoyable periods of time spent with each other and nothing more than that.
If someone says they don't want a relationship don't try to change their mind or manipulate them... that will usually have the reverse effect to the one that is desired (at least, it would with me). Texts can be an intrusion and bothersome... unless specifically told to send them.
Friends... even very good ones, don't always text each other on a daily basis, yet they remain very good friends. "Truth is stranger than fiction."
Q. What are the components of a good dynamic? A. The mutual desire to share ourselves with each other. (If you don't want to share yourself with me, don't offer yourself to me.)
@The_Problem_Page
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14 Feb 10, 3:22 PM
SheilaBlyge
UK(S), 4 yrs
|
Sorceror wrote:
irishjoe wrote:
femdom D/s and mutual respect
Hi,
I am currently playing with someone who is a wonderful Domme. We are purely play partners as she has said she would not like a relationship with me and that play is fun. Please note that i am not really into having casual play partners and this is my first time. i feel though as i am submitting more and more and she is testing my limits more and more that she is losing respect for me as a person outside of play. i know it is hard to find someone compatible enough to be with in BDSM particular femdom but surely i should not be made feel like shit for caring for someone. It is hard for me not to get attached to someone i am submitting too (as i do not submit to just any Domme). Sometime i hate this lifestyle as although vanilla is boring at least it is more straightforward. This Domme breaths hot and cold all the time, one minute texting me out of nowhere telling me that she wants to do this and that and the next telling me to f off for contacting her so regularly...(once a day...how are you doing text...is that too much?)
Anyways i just wanted to get your views on mutual respect in a femdom relationship. i am not talking about equality as the power exchange has been agreed but more about respect of another human being.
Anyways i dont know where her recent coldness to me has come from. Last time we met we had a great time and we were talking non stop for a few days after that all of a sudden out of nowhere she drops all communications and wants to be with her mates. i dont know what i did wrong. Sometimes i think i submitted too easily but then thats what i thought was expected of me. This is f-ing with my head and although the play is great i am getting itchy feet to try and find and serve a more consistent Domme....
Am i mad or just another bloke that does not understand girls be they domme, switch or sub?
Thanks
|
If Freud couldn't understand women you're being very optimistic to try.
My general rule of ALL relationships with women - never be 100% available. You always need to leave them wanting that little bit more than they're getting. Why ? Because over availability is death to a relationship - as soon as they feel that you are under their feet all the time and stifling them the relationship nosedives. I have however made errors in the past by under cutting - it's a tricky balance. Aim for about 90 - 95% of what SHE wants.
Your problem is that you want far more of her than she wants of you. And the more you push it the more you'll alienate her. Plus there's a Domme shortage so at the moment she has the upper hand across the board.
First - you have the RIGHT to keep looking for someone else. You want a relationship, she just wants a play partner. If you DO find someone however as soon as ANYTHING sexual happens you need to disclose to both parties - and with the new person BEFORE anything sexual happens. Dinner - non - disclosable. Chaste kiss on the cheek on leaving - non - disclosable. Snogging - disclosable.
Second - you HAVE to re-establish some balance in the relationship. DON'T text her until she texts you first. When you get a text don't reply immediately if it doesn't need an immediate answer - make her wait. When she asks to see you if it's feasible try to put back the time half an hour from what she suggests on some grounds. Don't just turn up late though - that's rude.
But you need to balance this out. When you do reply to the text put some effort into the response - BUT NO EMOTIONS. At this stage you DO NOT tell her anything about your feelings for her at all. If it's appropriate bring her gifts that she'll appreciate when you do see her. Again - don't make a big issue over them - no "I spent hours looking for the right one..." just "I saw this, thought you might like it...". Put some real effort into your sessions to please her.
IF this works out you'll have her posting on a board in no time asking how she can make her relationship with her sub work. He's great when he's around but he just doesn't seem emotionally connected to her any more. You will have some measure of control.
Good luck.
S.x.
P.S. Warning - women are unpredictable. This SHOULD work and is likely to be a lot more effective than you moping around after her all the time like a wet week in Blackpool. But there are no guarantees.
|
Ooooh, Sorcerer dished up all his trade secrets!
But on a serious note, this kind of approach would only work with me if I was ALREADY totally head over heels for someone. Anything else, and I'll just shut down and say 'meh, he's obviously not that into me, not worth any more emotional investment'. Friends at best.
And looking at the OP, I don't think the Domme in question does sound sufficiently 'into' tho OP in an emotional sense to start playing these sorts of games.
It's hard, but I think that you just have to continue enjoying the play sessions and 'accept' (mentally even if not emotionally) that this is the most you will ever get from that relationship.
I would stop playing with someone totally if I felt they were starting to feel more attachment to me than I felt for them. All sorts of issues about 'leading someone on' or 'disappointing someone' start to rear their ugly head and I get very, VERY uncomfortable. |
14 Feb 10, 8:53 PM
irishjoe
IE, 6 yrs
|
Thanks for all the great advice! Especially plinth for feet and sorcerer. It is a difficult situation as she has said she wanted to be more then play partners but then she didnt really pursue it. I used to be good at this, dont be too available, comment on something not usually commented on but decided i did not want to play games anymore and given the nature of the relationship (well what i thought it was) promised myself to be as honest as possible with her. Even though its D/s and as her sub she said she wanted me to be available whenever she wanted, i can see how being too available can be a turn off...but then what hope is there for a sub just doing what their dominant wants?!
Anyways i hope this thread has helped others also and thanks to everyone that contributed.
i have decided to play with others for now and have told her this also. She said ok, since we are just playing...guess that really nails it home. She is not the 'one' i thought she was. D/s can have a much more bonding experience then a vanilla one and guess it is lesson learnt. I better look out for it next time.
|
14 Feb 10, 9:36 PM
Sorceror
UK(HU), 9 yrs
|
irishjoe wrote:
Thanks for all the great advice! Especially plinth for feet and sorcerer. It is a difficult situation as she has said she wanted to be more then play partners but then she didnt really pursue it. I used to be good at this, dont be too available, comment on something not usually commented on but decided i did not want to play games anymore and given the nature of the relationship (well what i thought it was) promised myself to be as honest as possible with her. Even though its D/s and as her sub she said she wanted me to be available whenever she wanted, i can see how being too available can be a turn off...but then what hope is there for a sub just doing what their dominant wants?!
Anyways i hope this thread has helped others also and thanks to everyone that contributed.
i have decided to play with others for now and have told her this also. She said ok, since we are just playing...guess that really nails it home. She is not the 'one' i thought she was. D/s can have a much more bonding experience then a vanilla one and guess it is lesson learnt. I better look out for it next time.
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but then what hope is there for a sub just doing what their dominant wants?!
This lament works just as well if you replace sub with man and dominant with woman.
"I have decided to play with others for now and have told her this also".
You have these others lined up and waiting ? If not strategically this might not be ideal. Remember Domme shortage out there. Your ideal might not be there...
Dealing with upset women...
The rules change constantly and mistakes can have spectacular results.
In the face of "trouble brewing": -
1) Clean something
2) Repair something
3) Do something constructive in the garden.
(Do not hoover the lounge whilst she is watching Eastenders). Most women can be pacified by the sight of their man doing something constructive for their benefit.
What about if you hit a full hurricane out of the blue (it won't actually be out of the blue, nearby women will have spotted it days or weeks earlier, our radar isn't as good as their's) ?
Limited choices. You can try to discuss it with her and get the full force of her anger. Or you can leave her to simmer and get the full force of her anger for being insensitive and not discussing it. There is not a win scenario in this case - strap on the Kevlar, hunker down, and take it.
Rehearse these phrases: -
"I'm very sorry"
"Yes, it was awful"
"I'll try to make sure it never happens again"
"that must have been dreadful for you"
NEVER try to defend yourself on any grounds remotely linked to logic. It is ALL YOUR FAULT and you are VERY SORRY. With good fortune and a fair wind the storm will eventually blow over and normal relationship services will be restored. The length of time this takes will depend on your actual culpability - if she was upset because another woman suggested she was overweight (don't argue - it was ALL YOUR FAULT and you are VERY SORRY) you will get your campaign medal for being a good boy quite quickly. If you have been shagging your colleague's ex girlfriend who happens to be a model - prepare for a long cold winter whatever she is saying to Max Clifford.
S.x.
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14 Feb 10, 9:38 PM
Sorceror
UK(HU), 9 yrs
|
Ooooh, Sorcerer dished up all his trade secrets!
Not ALL of them....
S.x.
|
14 Feb 10, 9:44 PM
Sorceror
UK(HU), 9 yrs
|
MsHourglass wrote:
Sorceror wrote:
If Freud couldn't understand women you're being very optimistic to try.
My general rule of ALL relationships with women - never be 100% available. You always need to leave them wanting that little bit more than they're getting. Why ? Because over availability is death to a relationship - as soon as they feel that you are under their feet all the time and stifling them the relationship nosedives. I have however made errors in the past by under cutting - it's a tricky balance. Aim for about 90 - 95% of what SHE wants.
Your problem is that you want far more of her than she wants of you. And the more you push it the more you'll alienate her. Plus there's a Domme shortage so at the moment she has the upper hand across the board.
First - you have the RIGHT to keep looking for someone else. You want a relationship, she just wants a play partner. If you DO find someone however as soon as ANYTHING sexual happens you need to disclose to both parties - and with the new person BEFORE anything sexual happens. Dinner - non - disclosable. Chaste kiss on the cheek on leaving - non - disclosable. Snogging - disclosable.
Second - you HAVE to re-establish some balance in the relationship. DON'T text her until she texts you first. When you get a text don't reply immediately if it doesn't need an immediate answer - make her wait. When she asks to see you if it's feasible try to put back the time half an hour from what she suggests on some grounds. Don't just turn up late though - that's rude.
But you need to balance this out. When you do reply to the text put some effort into the response - BUT NO EMOTIONS. At this stage you DO NOT tell her anything about your feelings for her at all. If it's appropriate bring her gifts that she'll appreciate when you do see her. Again - don't make a big issue over them - no "I spent hours looking for the right one..." just "I saw this, thought you might like it...". Put some real effort into your sessions to please her.
IF this works out you'll have her posting on a board in no time asking how she can make her relationship with her sub work. He's great when he's around but he just doesn't seem emotionally connected to her any more. You will have some measure of control.
Good luck.
S.x.
P.S. Warning - women are unpredictable. This SHOULD work and is likely to be a lot more effective than you moping around after her all the time like a wet week in Blackpool. But there are no guarantees.
|
I am laughing, this is so funny........ how come you know us women so well, or a certain type of women, like ME.....LOL
I would certainly agree and reiterate to the original poster that being too available is not a good idea. It's a bit like 'hide and seek', hide a while and let her seek......
Give her a little bit of a challenge. Why is it that some men are so 'easy' (shaking my head). I like a challenge and I know that as a woman I am not alone on this.
And yes, don't go all emotional..... let her wonder a bit about you, let her do a bit of work figuring out what is going on.
When she can't have enough of you, states you are the man for her and seems to be loosing her control, her poise...... then you can give her a little, but just a little....... regarding what she means to you.
|
Why is it that some men are so easy ?
Errmm ...
A) You're very attractive
B) You're a Domme
C) You say you're single
D) We're men.
Oop North t'only men who don't chase women lahk musikals, "Locashion, Locashion, Locashion", and spend more on hand cream than thee sen.
If you want a challenge: -
1) Put on 5 stone and grow a moustache, or
2) Demand an engagement ring prior to the second date.
S.x.
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14 Feb 10, 11:15 PM
worldlookingin
UK(SE), 4 yrs
|
Maybe she is Bipolar! |
14 Feb 10, 11:50 PM
CommanderBondage
3 yrs
|
irishjoe wrote:
Thanks for all the great advice! Especially plinth for feet and sorcerer. It is a difficult situation as she has said she wanted to be more then play partners but then she didnt really pursue it. I used to be good at this, dont be too available, comment on something not usually commented on but decided i did not want to play games anymore and given the nature of the relationship (well what i thought it was) promised myself to be as honest as possible with her. Even though its D/s and as her sub she said she wanted me to be available whenever she wanted, i can see how being too available can be a turn off...but then what hope is there for a sub just doing what their dominant wants?!
Anyways i hope this thread has helped others also and thanks to everyone that contributed.
i have decided to play with others for now and have told her this also. She said ok, since we are just playing...guess that really nails it home. She is not the 'one' i thought she was. D/s can have a much more bonding experience then a vanilla one and guess it is lesson learnt. I better look out for it next time.
|
Having read this thread very carefully, what stands out to me is the apparent lack of negotiation on limits boundaries and expectations BEFORE any play commenced.
No wonder misunderstandings have arisen.
Maybe if you had been given a contract by this Lady setting out your role you wouldn't be in this mess and you would be happily enjoying what was agreed and expected of you?
Next time negotiate more thoroughly and set out in the form of a contract what both parties expect out of the relationship. After all you are not only entrusting emotional states of mind to the Dom/me, but physical ones as well!
You can never be too careful.........lesson learnt?
The Commander
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